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Yes, folks, it’s time to indulge in that most tiresome of traditions
– the Year End Awards. Typically this repugnant ritual is simply
another way for lazy columnists to fill up their page quota … but
mainly it’s a way for those most noxious of all shills (they
sometimes refer to themselves as “critics”) who write for mainstream
papers and magazines to hype their favorite product and kiss a little
booty at the same time. Since I have no interest in hyping
anything (except myself), hopefully you’ll find my Awards
somewhat more … ah, entertaining. Oh yeah, if I mistakenly put
something in here that happened last year … or even the year before,
the deal is, I sort of lost track of what year it was somewhere around
1975 (all I know for sure is, it just keeps getting worse). So cut me
some slack, OK? Allright enough yammer. Let’s go!

MOVIES, MUSIC AND OTHER ESSENTIALLY UNIMPORTANT THINGS

If you never did these things again, it wouldn’t matter: went
to the movies, watched TV

Worst actress: Meryl Streep

Worst actor: Brad Pitt

Still a terrible actor despite numerous acting lessons: Chuck
Norris

Recording artists with one name who can’t sing: Bjork, Beck

Let’s hope these people don’t make comebacks: Arsenio Hall,
Roseanne Barr, New Kids On The Block

Most obnoxious actor/comedian: Robin Williams

Worst Robert DeNiro Imitator: Robert DeNiro

Worst capped teeth: Al Pacino

Most consistent producer of schlock TV: Aaron Spelling

Please don’t let this guy host the Academy Awards again:
Billy Crystal

Does the space between this guy’s teeth keep getting bigger, or
is it just my imagination?
: David Letterman

Bad musician turned bad actor: Harry Connick Jr.

How many bad LP’s can this guy put out before we realize he’s
history?
: Bob Dylan

Newest excuse for rock stars to “help the world”: Tibetan
Freedom Concert

Most fashionable “cause” amongst the Hollywood elite: Native
American Indians

Why does this sow still keep selling records?: Madonna

Put ‘em out to pasture already: Aerosmith

Biggest bully movie star with fading career: Steven Seagal

One-hundred percent mafia infestation: Rap music industry

Scariest actor: Jim Carrey

Most unoriginal new recording artist: Marilyn Manson (yawn)

Thank god this jerk seems to have disappeared: Pauly Shore

Most noxious (and least funny) comedian: Dennis Miller

Worst TV Producer: Ed Zwick

Oh no … they’re touring again: The Grateful Dead

Worst country music artist: Garth Brooks

Weirdest mouth on an actress: Frances McDormand

Most self -serving director: James Cameron

Worst Movie of the Year: Titanic

Biggest hack director: Oliver Stone (first place); Quentin
Tarantino (runner-up).

Most gratuitous bare chest cover shot: Nicholas Cage (Us
Magazine)

Stupidest TV show: X-Files

Best hairlip on an actor: Joacquin Phoenix

Remakes to avoid: Psycho; The Avengers; Rear Window

Hollywood’s most unlikely new romance: Liz Taylor and Rod
Steiger

Several redundant questions asked by (former) songwriter Bob
Dylan
: “How many roads must a man walk down?” How man years can so
people exist?” “How does it feel? ”

STUFF THAT BUGS ME AWARDS

The thing that bugs me most when I go to someone’s house: hair
in the bathroom sink; anything less than a half-roll of toilet paper

Most irritating trend that refuses to die: personalized
licence plates; “My kid goes to_________ school” bumper stickers (who
cares?
)

Most disgusting trend in bookstores: People (mostly fat) who
sit in the middle of the aisle

Most repugnant new ad campaign: “Got milk?”

Most offensive offense by mothers: bringing their children
with them to movies, libraries (or anywhere for that matter)

Bad idea: books on tape

Worse idea: books on computer

WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE STILL AROUND AWARD?

Kiss, Mariah Carey, Billy Idol, John McEnroe, U2, Barbara Walters,
The Beastie Boys, Hunter Thompson, Cindy Lauper, David Crosby, George
Winston, Jerry Lewis, Shirley McLaine, Dick Clark, Rupert Murdoch, all
Elvis imitators, Cher, Ivana Trump, Tom Arnold, Ed McMahon, David
Letterman, Don Henley, Dr. Ferdie Pacheco, Willie Nelson, Hulk Hogan,
Bret Easton Ellis, Richard Dreyfuss, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Andy Rooney,
Barbara Streisand

THE BIG “D” AWARD

Deaths I was saddest about: Bob Kane (creator of Batman),
Sonny Bono, Professor James W. Tuttleton (author of “Manners In
America”), Roy Rogers, Frank Sinatra (I don’t care if he was a mobster,
he was the best)

Deaths I tried to care about, but didn’t: Princess Di

Deaths I did not particularly mind: Tupak Shakur, Gianni
Versace, Dr. Frederick Lenz (aka Zen Master Rama)

TOTALLY OVER-RATED AWARDS

Tori Amos, Leonardo DeCaprio, Brad Pitt, Eric Clapton, homemade
soup, “health”food, teenagers, sex, having children, “L.A. Law,” Jakob
Dylan, Allanis Morisette … and all the rest of the “new” women singers
(hey, Joan Baez did the same schtick 30 years ago … and she could
actually sing!)

THE (AHEM) “LITERATI” AWARDS

So what if it took him 14 years to write it … who wants to read
the bloody thing?
: Tom Wolfe’s new novel

Nobody could be this prolific (as in … this cat uses
ghostwriters)
: Steven King

Most widely misread author: God

Most meaningless phrase used by (so-called) journalists: “Our
sources”

Most self-serving magazine editor: Steven Brill

Most self-serving former magazine editor: Tina Brown

Most overrated non-publishing author: J.D. Salinger

My favorite columnist (besides myself): Joe Sobran

Terrible books by politicians: “1945″ by Newt Gingrich;
“Nightlaunch” by Jake Garn; “The Double Man” by Gary Hart and William S.
Cohen; “Mackerel by Moonlight” by William F. Weld (former governor of
Massachusetts)

Worst screenwriter: (tie) Joe Esterhas, David Mamet (also
worst playwright)

Best Book by A Conservative: “Slouching Towards Gomorrah” by
Robert Bork

Most unlikely newspaper column written by ex-singer and failed
actor
: Art Garfunkel (Rolling Stone)

PEOPLE WHO ARE IN NEED A PUBLIC SPANKING (OR PERHAPS BEHEADING)
AWARDS

Gloria Allred, Leslie Abramson, Barbara Streisand, Daryl Gates,
Johnny Cochran, Sally Struthers, Robert Bly, Judge Judy, Sam Donaldson,
Nora Ephron, Shirley McLaine, Michael Eisner, Roseanne Barr, Patsy
Ramsey, Judge Lance Ito, cranky postal clerks, many New York Jews

NAUSEATING NEW AGE STUFF AWARDS

Newest and most disgusting self-help book category: books by
depressed people

Most tiresome New Age fad: UFO abductions

Biggest New Age Sheister Of The Year: Dr. Deepak Chopra

PROOF THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER AWARDS

The massive “coming out” of trans-genders;
the fact that Michael Jackson is still in existence; the never-ending
number of New Age books on Goddess consciousness, feminist warriors, et
al.

HAIR, BODY PARTS, ETC, AWARDS

Worst hairdo: Tori Spelling

Worst breast implants: Tori Spelling

Most hair on back: Robin Williams

Worst hairdo on TV anchor: Ted Koppel

Worst three o’clock shadow: New Gingrich

Worst comb-over: William F. Buckley Jr.

Needs new image: Dennis Praeger

Most sickening fashion craze: dreadlocks on white guys

Worst rug on a newscaster: Sam Donaldson

Worst mustache: Matt Dillon

Worst eyebrows: Sam Donaldson

Worst sideburns: Matt Drudge

Worst lips: Sandra Bernhardt

Worst armpits: Tina Turner

NOSTRIL AWARDS (A BRAND NEW CATEGORY THIS YEAR!)

Largest nostrils: (three-way tie:) Jeff Goldblum, Dionne
Warwick, Charo)

Most sincere nostrils: Sally Fields

Most insincere nostrils: Alan Dershowitz

Most profound nostrils: Dr. Joyce Brothers

Tiniest nostrils: (tie) Michael J. Fox, Paul Simon

Hairiest nostrils: Ed Asner

Most obnoxious nostrils: Madonna

Ugliest nostrils: Tina Turner

Scariest nostrils: Blackula

Most egotistical nostrils: Eddie Murphy; (runner-up) Bill
Cosby

Noisiest nostrils: Some girl behind me at the movies last
week

Best nostril emoting by an over-the-hill actress: Ali McGraw

COOL PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS AWARDS

My favorite misanthrope: Florence King

My favorite (deceased) curmudgeon: G.K. Chesterton

My favorite (living) curmudgeon : me

Coolest web site: The Grudge Report

My favorite weapon: .38 (.45′s jam)

Best country singer in world: Merle Haggard

Best expose of “gay” (hah!) lifestyle: “Inside San
Francisco’s Gay Underworld,” by Lee Grady (Charisma magazine)

Coolest quote by a curmudgeon: “Imagination does not breed
insanity; reason does. Poets do not go mad. Chess players do.”

Most welcome musical comeback: John Fogerty

My favorite cooking show: Two Fat Ladies (Cable Food Network)

Best method of self-defense: KRAV MAGA (based on Israeli
combat training)

Black comedian who’s actually funny: Chris Rock

Coolest feminist: Susan Faludi

Coolest comeback: Vinyl records

My favorite religious song: “They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like
Jesus Anymore” (Kinky Friedman)

UNCOOL PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS AWARDS

Worst Thing That’s Happened To Free Speech: The Internet (now
every jerk that can type has a forum to speak his mind)

Most overrated martial artist: Jackie Chan

Magazine with the most massive amount of those little cards that
fall out when you’re trying to read it in the bookstore
: Rolling
Stone

TV shyster of the year: Kenny Kingston (Psychic Hotline)

Another self serving book by a (yawn) ex-drug addict:
“Permanent Midnight” by Jerry Stahl

You’re lookin’ yer age, guys: George Harrison, Hugh Hefner

Biggest “health” scam: Ginko-biloba, melatonin

Most exploited new book fad: “Chicken Soup For The
______(fill in blank)

Most disgusting trend found in magazine ads and billboards:
One token Latino, one token Negro, one token Oriental (etc.) per ad

Second most disgusting ad trend: People with bandages on
their noses (c/o Ponds)

The who cares award: What “Gen Xr’s have to say (about
anything)

Ugliest hair (or lack thereof) fad: shaved heads …
especially if the guy (or girl) has stickout ears

Most unctuous female talk show host: Dr Laura Schlessinger

Second most disgusting fashion craze: cigars

People who make my skin crawl for no apparent reason: George
Clooney, Jerry Seinfeld

Why would anyone live in these places?: New York, Los
Angeles, anywhere in Europe

Biggest piece of garbage from Apple: IMAC

Biggest hype of the year: Viagra

Worst pornographic TV network: Fox Television

I don’t understand why guys find these women attractive:
Pamela Anderson, Shannen Doherty

Saddest makeover of a once cool town: Las Vegas

Badly in need of image makeover: Matt Drudge (get a new hat,
son)

Most unctuous defense attorney: (tie) Johnnie Cochran, Leslie
Abramson

Most over-rated (and overpriced) drink: Snapple

HMO where you’re most likely to die from getting the wrong
operation
: Kaiser Permanente

Worst newspaper in LA: The LA Times

Most repugnant new fad amongst the youth: Goth, vampirism

Most egotistical people per capita: San Francisco, Paris,
Montecito

Most overrated antidepressant: Prozac

Most noxious radio show host: Rod Lurie

Most corrupt police dept: LAPD

Richest ghost-written author: R.L. Stine

Smelliest people per capita: France, Germany

Most unreadable magazine: Wired

I don’t care what they say … they still make their burgers out
of kangaroo meat
: Jack In The Box

Biggest pimp of the year: Larry Flynt

Bigtime shills: Ed McMahon, Ricardo Montalban

Gay Narcissus Of the Year: Andrew Sullivan

Most boring sport in the world: baseball, football
(runner-up)

Isn’t this guy too old for this gig?:(L.A. Times pop music
critic, Robert Hilburn)

Worst artwork on a hit comic strip: South Park

Most unlikely person to the bring about the downfall of a
President
: Monica Lewinsky

Aren’t we tired of this show yet?:The Simpsons

Don’t Bother getting your news here: CNN, MSNBC, any network
news station

Bad columnist; bad actor: Ben Stein

FEMINISTS, GAYS, AND OTHER REPROBATE SWINE AWARDS

Homosexual Mafia: Micheael Esiner, Barry Diller, David Geffen

Most sexual deviants per capita working for major entertainment
firm
: The Walt Disney Company

Areas in which men are superior to women: spitting, picking
their teeth, scratching their tuchuses, looking stupid

Areas in which women are superior to men: Acting helpless,
spending your money, bending over on purpose, looking incredibly
beautiful, acting dumb, acting smart

TANGIBLE PROOF OF CULTURAL DUMB-DOWN AWARD

Jerry Springer, wrestling, The Spice Girls, comeback of bongo drums,
rap, hip hop, MTV

CYBER-HOOEY AWARDS

Best computers: Macintosh (no contest!)

Worst computers: PC’s

Worst PC clones: Dell

Worst Web Design: all porn sites

Worst operating system: Windows ’98

Dumbest cybermyth: That you can put up a website and start
making a lot of money

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD IMMEDIATELY GET THE DEATH PENALTY

People who smoke in public places, gardeners that use those blower
things, anybody who wears their pants so low that their butt hangs out,
anybody caught speaking “ebonics,” anyone who plays a ghetto blaster
over the volume level of “1,” any woman caught smoking a cigar,
Jonbenet’ Ramsey’s parents, O.J. Simpson, Robert Kardashian, all drug
users, taggers, Holocaust revisionists, Kip Kinkel, and all the other
kids who murdered innocent kids on school campuses across the U.S. (I
don’t care if they’re underage … I say put em on “ol’ Smokey…”)

DEMONIZED

Possibilities for the Anti-Christ: Bill Gates, Michael
Jackson, George Michael, Maddona, Clive Barker, Rupert Murdoch, Dr. Gene
Scott, Hillary Clinton

THE WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THESE GUYS AWARDS?

Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Buddy Myles, Ben Vereen, Lionel Ritchie, Billy
Barty, Guru Maharaj Ji, Freddy Fender, Twiggy, Ed Barbar, Captain
Beefheart

THE I MISS THESE GUYS AWARDS

David Jannsen, Hopalong Cassidy, Zorro, Guy Madison, Joe Karbo, my
dad, Stevie Ray Vaughn

MISCELLANEOUS EFFLUVIA

Oxymorons: youth culture, rap culture

Most unpleasant documentary I’ve watched this year: “Breasts”

Everybody’s Doin’ It Award: taking anti-depressants

The I got bored of it award: Clinton scandal

The try doing this sometime Award: Nothing

Why Do I still watch this TV show?: Married With Children
(Kelly!)

Don’t worry, it’s comin’ Award: O.J. Simpson

Is it my imagination or is this guy shrinking?: Sylvester
Stallone

Needs pie in the face Award: Jan Crouch

I Liked her better with braces Award: Chelsea Clinton

You’re right not to trust these guys Award: cops, the
government

White People Shouldn’t Do It Award: Dance

The it’s over before you know it Award: Your life

The how does this guy stay so skinny Award: Mick Jagger

Most misquoted person in history: Jesus Christ

Most immediate way to see that people are nothing but poor,
unarmed bipeds
: seeing them naked

Proof that the Sixties are not dead: Bill and Hillary; Alanis
Morissette, Deadheads

Sid Vicious Award: Sidney Blumenthal

Why do people still buy this rag?: Playboy (Come on! They
still airbrush the photos!)

Who buys these things?: Women’s magazines

Most over-used buzz word: cyber _______(fill in the blank)

Biggest waste of time: working out (you’re just gonna die
anyway, so why bother?)

Congrats, pal … you’re still alive Award: Keith Richards

Why won’t this horrible fad go away?: backwards baseball caps

Why do people do these things Award: mountain climbing, jogging,
bicycling (with helmets yet!), kayaking

Just think … 35 years ago the Top Ten artists included: The
Beach Boys, Johnny Rivers, Gerry and the Pacemakers The 4 Seasons, The
Dave Clark Five (and if you think that sucks … check out the list
today!

Too-hip drugs: Xanax, Prozac, Vicodin

What’s wrong with this guy’s face?: Bill Maher

Waste of time: going to college

Dying brand of journalism: investigative reportage

Things I don’t care about: the Academy Awards, the Grammy
Awards, the Emmy Awards, art museums, sports, videogames, gay rights,
movies about teenagers, your opinion

Things that other people don’t actually care about but often
pretend to for a variety of reasons
: The plight of Negroes in
distant lands, the stuff in art galleries, sperm whales, poetry, the
Statue of Liberty, your cousin’s bar mitzvah, your grandmother’s
funeral, starving people, when somebody walking in front of you falls
down for no reason.

Well that’s it, folks. Until next time. Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
Bah … humbug!!

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