Lately the world is such an interesting place. Take religion. I see
where the Vatican is seeking a kinder gentler Satan. Subtler. More
sophisticated. They’ve downsized the Demon that possesses people,
instead, into a pervasive force which tricks people. One takes you
over, body and soul, while the other version is merely a “harmful
influence” that picks your pocket or makes you cheat at cards.
What gives? While almost simultaneously, Jerry Falwell’s warning us the
Antichrist walks among us, yea verily, embodied as some Jewish dude,
here we go again. Probably what we used to call in high school an NJB,
nice Jewish boy. Heads up!! Could there be any connection?
Isn’t it way amusing that the same week the Vatican announces they
are retooling Satan’s image, the very same week, Jerry Falwell — the
Right’s counterweight to Larry Flynt — declares the Antichrist walks
among us as a Jewish male. Jewish, Falwell maintains, because Jesus was
Jewish, not because Falwell is an anti-Semite, why, look at his record
on Israel, he says, how could he be called an anti-Semite?
Meanwhile, inquiring minds need to know: IS Satan the Anti-Christ?
And if not, why not? Can someone please tell me the difference? I still
get Furbies and Beanie Babies and TeleTubbies mixed up. And if the
Antichrist is here, can the Messiah be far behind? It’s all soooooo
confusing. Particularly when you consider this directive comes on the
heels of another Vatican decree: Never think of God the Father as an
old man with a white beard again!!
Where and when and how will it all end? Maybe a Y2K Armageddon isn’t
such a bad idea.
Parenthetically, let me point out if Jerry Falwell was merely trying
to be mean, wouldn’t he have said Bill Clinton was the Antichrist? Or
maybe even Bill Gates?
And just in case you haven’t noticed, the Devil, like Matt Drudge,
seems to crop up everywhere. “… The Oxford English Dictionary devotes
about 13,000 words to the Devil,” reports Christopher Howse in the
London Times. Everything from the Arch-Enemy to Beelzebub, Lucifer, the
Dragon, the Serpent, the Prince of Darkness. He/it gets around!! And
yet, as the Vatican reworks our modern understanding of evil, we listen
in stunned disbelief as they suggest what sounds like a trendy
Devil-in-Pinstripes, rather than the more familiar florid beast with
pitchfork and pointy tail.
Whose side is Jerry Falwell really on? I wonder. Justifiably, Jews
are up in arms about the Antichrist thing, especially since Jerry
portrays himself as Vey-iz-mir, such an Israel supporter. Now I
know Jerry Falwell seemed a tad uneasy going public with that Antichrist
thing. But his reasoning went this way. Simply put, since Jesus was a
Jewish guy, Falwell explained, that’s why the Antichrist has to be one
too. Pure logic. Piece of cake.
Moreover, the Vatican’s Millennial version of the Devil –
suspiciously parallel to some folks’ portrayal of Bill Clinton –
resonates like a soap-opera parable of Washington Follies: according to
the Vatican, the Devil exerts a “harmful influence” through fooling us
via “deception, falsehood, lies, and confusions.” Because, the Vatican
maintains, the Devil gets what’s wanted by manipulating folks into
thinking happiness is found in “money, power, carnal concupiscence.”
But hey, couldn’t Ken Starr’s version of Bill Clinton — a glib,
slick trickster, a wily shape-shifter — be what the Vatican meant by a
kinder, gentler Satan? The possibility boggles the mind, doesn’t it?
Wouldn’t you know it, the Pope didn’t utter a peep about that when he
bumped into Bill Clinton at the airport in St. Louis.
Theology was never one of my strong points. And I’m certainly not an
apologist for Jerry Falwell, whom I met once in a journalistic situation
which I considered nearly pleasant because he didn’t try to convert me
to nun-hood like a Cardinal once did. But hear me out. All this explains
Mainly, it might explain why Ken Starr, our Torquemada for the 21st
century, is in such relentless pursuit of the President. Ken Starr must
think Bill Clinton is either the Devil, the Antichrist, or both. And now
Ken Starr believes he has the authority to indict President Clinton in
office. History, he says, if not God, is on his side.
We’ll see. Let me say this about that. Suddenly the scales have
dropped from my eyes!! Here’s what I have been leading up to. Read my
lips: I have dated the Antichrist!! And his name is Stanley!!
This was during what I came to call The Curse of the Six Stanleys, which
has a definite bearing on our subject-at-hand. That’s right, before I
entered Holy Matrimony as a Virgin Bride — too true — the first SIX
guys I dated growing up back in Jersey, each more measly nondescript
than the next, were ALL named Stanley. That’s why I called it THE CURSE
OF THE SIX STANLEYS. Imagine six er, nerdy guys looking more like Woody
Allen than Woody Allen. And then my mother artificially ecstatic on her
Elavil, nodding expectantly, “Well?” Nothing, Ma, I’d sigh;
Anyways, since it seems like Ken Starr is fixated on Bill Clinton as
THE embodiment of evil, I’d like to whisper this in his ear so he
doesn’t get too embarrassed: Yo, Ken, as we like to say here in
Philadelphia, Back Off, you’re making a biiiiig mistake, I wouldn’t
be surprised in the least if the Antichrist, and maybe even the Devil,
were really The Curse of the Six Stanleys.
As far as the Devil goes, the Vatican has streamlined and modernized
its exorcism rites, which I am certain will cost way less than the
millions upon millions that Ken Starr has already spent trying to
dislodge Clinton from office. Demons, the Church still believes, have
great intelligence and power. “The new rite,” according to the London
Times, “is a revision of 21 exorcism rituals” dating back to 1614.
Then here’s the answer for Ken Starr: Exorcise the White House!! Sell
tickets!! Exorcism Rocks!! Raise money to wipe out the National Debt,
which has NOT gone away. Remove the “evil” influences from Bill Clinton.
Then let him back into the Oval Office, purified, to finish out his
term, riding the crest of the wave of that unfathomable popularity of
his. The Republicans need to throw a party, to show the American people
they have not forgotten how to have a good time. Bring back the Era of
Otherwise, Ken Starr is barking up the wrong shin!!! And so I am
equipped to provide a special Guide to Devils, Angels, Antichrists,
and Messiahs, from comparative religion scholar GKS of Miami:
GKS: “I guess that the fact that Falwell said it is interesting.
But of course it applies a precise criterion to something that is a myth
and therefore amounts to nonsense. … The Antichrist comes from the
myth of the Beast from Revelation, a person who represents the forces of
evil, who becomes a world figure and is eventually conquered by the
forces of good.”
MLP: To me this sounds like Satan?
GKS: “It’s partly a matter of timing. Satan was an angel present
before the creation of the world. The Antichrist is a human being who
arises during ‘the last days’ of the world. They are as much alike as
Mickey Mouse and Brad Pitt (though presumably without the Evil).”
MLP: Interestingly put.
GKS: “Here’s an even greater indication that Falwell’s assertion that
‘the Antichrist is among us’ computes not: The Bible which he cites as
the ultimate authority indicates that ‘no man knows’ when the time will
come. Therefore his assertion that the time is soon and that this guy is
among us now is completely counter to his own scriptural authority,
which is all he has. Not only is he a benighted ideologue, he can’t even
follow his own rules!”
MLP: Is it true Satan never sleeps?
GKS: “In Judaeo-Christian and Islamic mythology Satan was of course
the fallen angel that became the ostensible source of evil in the world.
In one sense he was the only angel to say ‘no’ to God and leads humans
to do likewise. Of course we know that if one cannot say ‘no,’ then to
say ‘yes’ means nothing. Therefore the will to rebel is of course
inevitable or human life would have little meaning. We would be obedient
robots without will. It is basically the same metaphor referred to in
the Garden of Eden story. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil had
to be chosen or human life would be meaningless as to the ability to
MLP: I see.
GKS: “The Antichrist comes from the myth of the Beast from
Revelation, a person who represents the forces of evil, who becomes a
world figure and is eventually conquered by the forces of good. This
mythology essentially represents the struggle within the individual,
though it is described as a battle in the world. There are a lot of
fundamentalists whose main thrust in their ‘Christianity’ is to rant
about these end times when the Rapture occurs and Christians are
instantly taken up into heaven and the rest of us have to struggle and
suffer and try to come up with another way to make it to heaven.”
MLP: Regular people like us, huh?
GKS: “Of course the whole thing is an elaborate allegory to attempt
to persuade humans to conform to the views of those claiming this
While we’re at it, here’s a Distant Early Warning System on
Antichrist2, especially for WorldNetDaily readers. If you get a
chance, pass this stuff on to Ken Starr; even he might find it useful.
I’d like to offer these pointers in case either the Antichrist or Devil
should show up in YOUR neighborhood to borrow a cup of sugar. Here’s how
to recognize him.
- All Stanleys are immediately suspect.
- He never stands during “The Star Spangled Banner.”
- He forgets his credit card so he doesn’t pay for dinner. Realize,
then, like Hemingway’s women, you will pay and pay and pay. No wonder
“Dutch Treat” is my least favorite oxymoron.
- He looooves riding his Harley with its Champale-filled side-car
past your bedroom window, or those of his political enemies. While you
are fast asleep, he’s watching you twitch.
- He’s a terrible dancer. He will mumble sweet nothings in your ear,
and they are exactly that: nothing. Nothing to write home about.
- You can’t be quite sure what he does for a living. Plastics, or the
Stock Market, or his old law firm of Flagitious, Peccability, and
Piacular, P.C. — traditional Devilish preoccupations — no longer tempt
him. Multi-Level Marketing, maybe. These days he professes he’s “a
consultant, with a profitable turn-key operation on the side.” Hah! That
should be a red flag.
- His favorite actor is either Dirk Bogarde or Karl Maria von
Brandauer or Christopher Walken or Jack Nicholson, and he says he thinks
Leo DeCaprio is dogmeat and that DeNiro or Pacino could never capture
- He always orders dessert, no entree. For him, Devils-Food cake can
never be rich enough. Plug in your favorite Death-by-Chocolate joke
- The Antichrist breakfast is a raw egg fork-beaten into whole milk,
amped up with cayenne, paprika, red pepper flakes, and turmeric. He
belches discreetly, behind a hand with nails manicured into a high-buff
point. Don’t try ordering this at Denny’s; they will really wish they
had ignored you.
- He has forsaken trendy pets like ferrets and King Charles Spaniels
in favor of arriving for a casual jaunt to the Fresh Fiends supermarket
wrapped in his own personal Cobra which will live exactly long enough to
generate enough snakeskin for three snazzy pairs of shoes.
- No, he doesn’t sleep in a coffin, drive a second-hand Caddy hearse,
or work after the Marines, briefly, as the official greeter in a funeral
home. However, he is especially good at expressing insincere sympathy.
- He may have a secret fondness for sea-chanteys and Bluebeard but he
admires neither Richard Nixon nor Henry Hyde. Bebe Rebozo, perhaps, and
long waltzes on the beach with a metal detector.
- He might come door-to-door if you’re in a rural area. In the city,
look for the Antichrist/Satan to lurk behind suspicious spam, or even
the Doomsday or Armageddon computer viruses. Unlike Bill Gates, Satan
gives no refunds.
- He may tell you he’s investing as a venture capitalist in
leading-edge biotech projects involving Terminator Seeds (TM),
recombinant DNA, or Fetal-cell research and welcomes global recession as
an opportunity for cheap trading. Resist if he offers to clone your
favorite lover, knowing that donkey-or-is-it-mule-hybrids-are- sterile.
- Though he gives you the best Birthday presents you’ve ever had, you
discover they’re shoplifted.
- He disparages Harry Dean Stanton in that film, “Repo Man,” then
rants and raves that the romance in “Night Porter” is mawkish and
- If he doesn’t flinch as he beats you at Pac-Man, it’s an omen.
Let’s face it, Mid-East “peace” is already a goner and the
China-France-Russia axis will be our new national nightmare.
- He never mentions his mother. Did he have one?
- When he falls rollerblading, he never bleeds.
Look, if this Exorcism Night at the White House thing doesn’t work
for Ken Starr, I suggest he start a Laughing Club. Betcha he’s not a
chocolate eater, and he needs some serotonin fast, before he takes
himself any more seriously than he already does. What’s a Laughing Club?
People get together to laugh. Uncontrollably. From deep inside their
bodies. Not from jokes. It’s a physical thing. Started in India.
Laughing Yoga. Could — should — spread around the world. Laughing
Yoga. The real New World Order. Remember, you read about it here first.