Since getting rid of politicians, the people of the small,
mid-nowhere town of Hardyville haven’t had much truck with laws, either.
In fact — except for a few details about being nice to each other at
the stoplight — here’s our entire law code:
A. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
B. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.
We find this perfectly clear — especially when compared with, say,
the U.S. Code, or even the implementing legislation for the GATT Treaty
or the specifics of the Clinton Ugly Gun Ban. But for the benefit of
people just moving in from some coast, or who spent too much time in
government school, we hand out an explanation sheet like this:
THE CODE OF HARDYVILLE
Dear Newcomers to Hardyville:
Welcome. We know you’ll find our town a pleasant place to live and
raise your family. We are very easygoing around here. You’ll quickly
discover that we don’t ask you to live by many of our own rules; we just
expect you live by your own. That’s why one of our few laws says, “Do
unto yourself as you would do unto others.” You might wonder what this
means in your own
life. Well, that’s up to you, but here’s a sample:
Those individuals who wish to ban, tax or regulate the personal
health or social habits of others will be expected to provide legal
certification that they have absolutely no destructive or annoying
habits of their own, of any nature. In the tradition of pure democracy,
the definition of
“destructive or annoying” may be determined by any two or more
Hardyvillians, as long as they outnumber the person practicing the
Anyone advocating the notion that all people have “rights” to
housing, welfare, food, a job, medical care or anything else that has to
be provided by hardworking people will be expected to provide any or all
of the above, on demand, personally, to anyone making the claim for it.
After all, to do otherwise would be denying that person his or her
“rights.” Of course, if you believe “society” is supposed to pay for
these “rights,” you are welcome to recruit all the parts of society who
agree with you, pool your pennies, and guarantee any right you want to
anybody who wants you to give it to them.
Anyone who advocates asset forfeiture without due process is expected
to place an identifying sticker on his or her vehicle so that the
Hardyville police will know who they can stop next time they’re short on
donut money. Our friendly officers will cheerfully supply you with an
absolutely free new “I love forfeiture!” sticker for your next
vehicle as they
tow away your present one.
Anyone who believes guns are evil should be sure to request a
response by an unarmed policeman during any 911 emergency.
(Hardyvillians, please note: Out of respect for cultural diversity,
neighbors are asked not to use firearms to defend the homes and lives of
people who have philosophical objections to the possession or use of
Any Hardyville residents who want government to ban anything on the
basis that “nobody needs” such and such, will be expected to submit to
quarterly inspections of their possessions by the Ad Hoc (and yet to be
established) Hardyville Citizens Committee, Subcommittee to Determine
Personal Need. Any items the committee does not deem “needed” (to be
determined solely by the committee’s standards of the moment) will be
surrendered. This includes, but is not limited to: sports cars,
collectibles, excess cash, television sets, fancy stereos and other
items not required for the basic maintenance of life. It’s not really
our idea of good government, but if you honestly believe everything
people don’t need should be confiscated or banned, we’re sure we can
find people to help you achieve this goal in your personal life.
Supporters of affirmative action are expected personally to surrender
their jobs to any member of any government-approved minority who
expresses an interest in the position, no matter the qualifications of
the person making the demand.
Those advocating bans on any non-coercive recreation practiced by
others (e.g. drugs, sex, gambling) will be expected to give up one of
their own pleasures for each item or activity of which they wish to
deprive other people.
Persons proposing or supporting projects “for the good of others” or
“the good of society” will be expected to participate cheerfully in any
projects their fellow Hardyvillians propose for their own good.
Anyone endorsing the view that all products of European,
male-dominated culture are oppressive to women, people of color and
people holding “intuitive,” rather than “limited, linear” worldviews are
expected to do the following:
- Refrain from crossing all bridges, which are the product of the most
linear, and therefore most limiting of sciences, mathematics and
- Do not travel in any conveyance using either wheels or an engine for
- Avoid entering any building whose construction is beyond the
technological level of a brick hut.
- Do not use iron or products containing iron, the most oppressive of
white male metals.
- Do not subject yourself to the use of modern medicines or medical
- If taken to court, do not attempt to prove your innocence, as the
concepts of logic and proof are inherently oppressive.
- Most important, do not claim the protections of the Bill of Rights,
including that of free speech. This document was not only composed by
Dead White Males, but that most evil of all DWM classes, that of
hypocritical slaveholders, and will naturally be shunned by all
Finally, anyone wanting the U.S. government to force American
citizens to fight wars at which the defense of the U.S. is not at stake
will be expected to volunteer for front-line infantry service. All of
Hardyville will hold a party to celebrate your departure.
That’s it. A few very simple, common-sense rules which we know you
will find consistent with your principles. Welcome to Hardyville. And
always remember: ideas have consequences.
The Code of Hardyville was drafted with the assistance of Charles
Curley. Mr. Curley hastens to add that he is not a lawyer and that —
having been taken to court by the Bar Association in his state for
alleged unauthorized practice of law — he is one of the few Americans
who possesses a court order proving he is not a lawyer.