Lightening up a bit this week after some recent Very Heavy columns.

Every time I open the Hardyville mailbag, I find it filled with
e-messages from astrophysicists, MDs, systems analysts, biochemists,
JDs, DDS’s, geologists, ecologists, LLBs, hydrologists, psychologists,
DVMs and even the occasional extraterrestrial xenozoologist — as well
as the most intelligent bunch of cops, soldiers, housewives, bus
drivers, retired waitresses, farmers and writers I’ve ever met.

All the while, the mainstream media keeps insisting the freedom
movement is oozing with inbred, snaggle-toothed, beer-gutted, xenophobic
Billy-Bobs who can’t count beyond .357 magnum and who have to go to bed
at night with tinfoil in their ears to keep alien voices from sending
them on homicidal rampages with their high-capacity, fully automatic,
pump action 20 gauge assault shotguns.

Hey, either all you people signing off as astro-geo-bio-ologists are
havin’ me on, or the media is … no, they couldn’t be. They just
couldn’t be. Not that.

Does anybody know anything about an institutional millennium work
strike? If so, e-mail me.
Somebody sent a very mysterious snail on this. No return address. No
contact info.

Bruce Stanton writes to suggest that we take the trigger locks
Congress is going to require us to buy with our guns, tie a tea bag to
them and send them to Washington. I suggest that, while rushing to buy
stock in trigger lock manufacturers, you check to see how many cousins
of congressthings are among the major shareholders.

Outrage against an activist? A state makes marijuana legal.
OK, just a teeny bit, tentatively, cautiously legal — for sick people.
Activists get to work doing what the state law allows. The fedgov,
feeling its power threatened, retaliates. Here’s one young activist
they’re willing to pursue to the ends of
the earth
. Please help Renee Boje if you can.

Several weeks ago, I deliberately insulted Kansas. Twice. Not a single person wrote to say I
was a perfidious bigot, not fit to print my opinions on a parakeet cage
liner. Could it be we’ve finally discovered one thing in the world —
besides gun owners — that it’s still politically correct to libel?

Got a call from the Centers for Disease
the other day. They were doing a survey to “prevent
childhood disease” — not a survey to learn anything, mind you,
but to “prevent disease.” Hmm. Must be some powerful survey. Whaddoo
they do? Squirt Hepatitis B vaccine through the little holes in the

I said I don’t participate in surveys and hung up. Couple days later,
there they are, ringing my unlisted line again. This time they just
started asking the questions, as if I had no option to say, “No.” As I
hung up, I could hear the woman continuing to pressure me.

Same thing happened two years ago. Took three calls to get rid of ’em
— and this was no mistake; they knew I’d already refused and each time
sent a more high-pressure agent. Who do these people think they are,
anyway? The government? The slimeballs who call about the “fabulous
prizes” I’ve “already won” have more integrity.

Keep handy the whistle you use for obscene phone callers.

Speaking of surveys, picture this:

Your phone rings.


“Hi, there, I’m from the U.S. Justice Department. Do you keep weapons
in your house?”

What do you do? (I know it’s a toughy. I’ll give you a few minutes to
think of an answer.)

Riiiiiight! You lie! Either that or you get out that whistle. That’s
why I was so fascinated by the Arizona Republic article sent by
pal Tina Terry. According to a June 6 story in that snoozepaper, 39
percent of the folks in Knoxville, Tenn., said, “Yep” to that question
in a survey
conducted by “… the Justice Department’s statistics bureau and the
Office of Community Oriented Policing Services.” So did 31 percent in
Tucson and about the same percentage in Savannah and Spokane.

Now, anybody in the West or South knows that’s a ridiculously low
percentage. Thirty-nine percent “yeps” probably means about 80 percent
weapon-owners. (The article didn’t say what weapons.) But what
was even more interesting was that the same survey found that 7 percent
of the folks in Washington, D.C., and 8 percent in New York City
admitted to keeping weapons in their homes. Wonder how many more
of those officially disarmed folks really have grampa’s old 1911 or
something much more interesting in the closet.

End racism in America? Speaking of creative versions of the
truth, from a reader named Ed comes an elegant idea for foiling the
plans of the single most race-obsessed organization in America — the
federal government.

Next year’s census will have the most politically correct array of choices about
you’ve ever seen. Now, for the first time, you can say you
belong to more than one race or list yourself as being of “other”

If you check “other,” then write “mixed” when asked to describe what
“other” means — and if millions of other race-weary folks did the same
— there wouldn’t be any way for the fedgov to keep its upside-down
version of Jim Crow
racism alive. And it’s true, isn’t it? As Ed points out, he’s
“Celtic-Hungarian-Mongolian-whatever” and most of us are some sort of
melting-pot mutts.

Life follows fiction. The
latest Internet hoax
– about the Post Office planning a $.05 tax on
every e-mail — reflects a 1996 story by Carl Bussjaeger that’s archived
on my Web site, Wolfe’s
. In Carl’s imaginative fiction, people did a lot more than
just write their congresscritters.

This message going around is just a hoax. But don’t think the
P.O. wouldn’t love to try. …

They’re becoming awfully ambitious these days. You’ve read, in the reports by Stephan Archer and Vin Suprynowicz

that the U.S.P.O. is imposing absurd conditions on the two-million-plus
holders of private mailboxes. But you might not have groked the worst.

Did you realize that one of their strangula … I mean
regulations … requires that — just ten days from today — all
companies like Mail Boxes Etc. must
turn names, addresses and other personal information about customers
in some cases, your SS number) over to the P.O. to be put into a

Yep, all us folks who want privacy are going to be federally
databased for our “crime.” Never mind that these regulations violate
various federal laws, like the Privacy Act and the Unfunded Mandate Act.

“Wait a minute!” you say. “So what? Mailbox businesses have always
required ID and postal paperwork.” Yeah, but this is different. Way
different. The old paperwork usually just sat around at the local P.O.
or the mailbox place itself, gathering cobwebs. We’re talking national
database now. We’re talking more invasive forms. And we’re talking two
forms of ID, one of which must have your verified home address. Also, if
you do business at your private mailbox, your paperwork — including
everything a stalker or an identity thief needs — will be available for

public inspection.

They also say by October 24 they’ll quit delivering our mail if
everyone who sends us letters doesn’t put “PMB” for “private mailbox” on
envelopes addressed to us — and put it on a separate line, yet (as if
we had any control over what people put on their envelopes!). Under the
very worst interpretation the P.O. could require mailbox businesses to
check their paperwork on June 24 — and return the mail of any customer
who hasn’t filled out the new paperwork and provided “approved” ID. This
isn’t likely to happen. But the possibility remains.

So what do you do? Some maybes, depending on your willingness to take

  • Check out Rick Merritt’s PostalWatch, the organization
    spearheading the fight against this usurpation. They’re currently
    putting their efforts behind Ron Paul’s H.J. Resolution 55, the “Mailbox
    Privacy Protection Act.” But they also plan to try to get an injunction
    implementation of these nasty regs — hopefully before the worst
    happens. You can join or contribute to their legal defense fund at:
    1-877-5-POSTAL (3631 Virginia Beach Blvd., Virginia Beach, VA 23452).
  • Send a friendly note to your mailbox company, reminding them that if
    they quit delivering mail in violation of your current contract, you’ll
    hold both the corporation and the franchisee legally liable for any
    damage you suffer. (Be polite; seriously. These guys are even more
    victims of the P.O. than you are.)
  • If your judgment allows, you could refuse to comply. No new
    paperwork. No new ID. No “PMB” on your mail. What’ll happen? In the best
    case, outraged mass non-compliance will force the P.O. to back off. In
    the worst, your mail won’t be delivered, your bills won’t get paid, your
    credit will crash — and you and two million other furious, betrayed
    Americans can sue the blue-gray uniform pants off the U.S. Postal
    Service. For the record, I ain’t signin’ nothin.

Rick Merritt and Postal Watch are totally within the system, and Rick
has made it clear that he doesn’t endorse resistance. However, he does
point out that the U.S. Sixth District Court of Appeals, in a lawsuit
brought by Federal Express, has already decreed that the P.O.
claim governmental immunity against lawsuits.

Finally, I apologize to everyone who’s written and gotten no answer.
I try to respond to all messages, but lately … whoof, you people have
knocked me on my e-tail. I’m slowly getting to the messages that
absolutely require responses, but I might never make it through the
entire heap. I can only say I’m as overwhelmed with gratitude as I am
with mail — and that when you finally get my reply, it’ll come in
tax-free e-mail, without a $.33 stamp on it.

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