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? 1999 S.L. Goldman

Get born

Start to grow up (yuck)

Develop an Oedipus complex

Go to school (ecchhh)

Go to college ’cause you think you’re supposed to

Quit college when you realize it’s stupid and a waste of time

Wonder why you’re here

Get no answers

Fall in love

Get rejected

Fall in love again

You reject her this time

You realize this is better

Work at a bunch of jobs you don’t care about

Quit your job at the mall and go to Europe

Realize Europe sucks and that the people there smell bad

Come home

This sucks even worse

Feel confused

Ask yourself what it all means

Get no answers

Ask what it all means some more

Get no answers

Try to stop asking questions but realize you’re a question-junkie

Go into therapy

After five years realize therapy is completely useless

Get freaked out at around 30 that life is passing you by

Get married

Realize that you hate your wife

Get divorced

Get really freaked out that life is passing you by

Talk to people about this

Realize that nobody has any answers

Get married again

Get divorced again

Get depressed

Consider suicide for a second

Join a cult

Learn meditation or something equally pointless

Quit the cult

Hide for a while till you make sure there are no rattlesnakes in your
mailbox

Get deprogrammed

Start asking those damn “meaningful” questions again

Get totally freaked out that there appear to be no answers to
anything

Pray to God for answers

Get none

Get more depressed

Go back to the shrink

Go on Prozac

Prozac doesn’t work

Get a new prescription

That doesn’t work either

Dump all your pills down the toilet and leave a nasty message on your
shrink’s answering machine

He (Freudianly) doesn’t reply

Sit around all day and do nothing

Read the obituary columns to see how many of your friends are dying

Get really freaked out when you see how many of them are actually
dead

Pray to God some more for answers

Get none

Develop some sort of sexual deviance

Join Sexaholics Anonymous

Quit Sexaholics Anonymous

Go to church with a friend who’s been bugging you to go with him for
years

In a moment of desperation, accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior

Walk around for a couple of weeks saying “Praise the Lord” and stuff
like that

Quit Christianity after realizing that Christians are primarily
hypocrites and liars, and, besides, they don’t have any more answers
than anybody else

Get even more depressed

Call the doc for more Prozac

He (wisely) doesn’t return your phone call

Get totally and completely depressed

Consider suicide

Realize you’re too chicken to do it

Watch a lot of TV (mostly reruns)

Eat junk food and gain a lot of weight

Try to lose the weight

Lose about two pounds at most

Watch more TV

Keep the TV on while you’re sleeping to keep you company

Sit around some more

Remember your life

Make times that were really crappy much better than they actually
were

Think again about asking God for answers

Say, screw it, there are no answers

Get totally freaked out and despondent

Sit around and do nothing

Sit around some more

Get to the point where you like sitting around and doing nothing

Get old

Get older still

Get older still

Get cancer or one of the many other diseases available to old people

Sit around some more

Get older

Get sicker

Die.


This one’s for Joel, my erstwhile proofreader, who I promised after
last week’s 4,000 words opus
that my next column would be no more than 400 words (actually it’s 610
not including this “afterword.” I’ve gotta tell you people, this is
really tough for me, ’cause I’ve got lots on my mind, ‘know? But –
being a man of my word (always keep your word … especially when you’re
dealing with a paranoid schizophrenic) and also being extremely lazy –
I’m gonna leave it at this and simply say that I’d strongly suggest you
take the extra time you’d normally spend reading my column (and I know
you all read it at least twice!) and go back and reread some of
my old columns (just move your little mouse on down to the S.L. Goldman
archive) so you can refresh your tepid little memories as to what a
great talent I really am.

And while you’re remembering, don’t forget that there’s only one week
left till the official opening of The New
Tongue
(Betcha just can’t wait,
huh?). And one final little teensy-weensy reminder: be sure and check
out our bookstore
and check out some of the amazing new titles (books and videos!) we’ve
added. And even more important: be sure to spend some of your
hard-earned dough while you’re at it, ya friggin’ cheapos!

Alright, see all you dunderheads next week. I’m outta here …

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