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Donald Trump did it. So did Halle Berry. And Johnny Depp. And Liam
Neeson. To say nothing of Britain’s Prince Edward and his bride, Sophie
Rhys-Jones.

If “The Donald” can do a skyscraper, why can’t the Clintons do their
digs?

Is it too late to get Bill and Hill to Feng Shui the White House?

No, not Mu Shu Pork.

Feng Shui — the ancient Asian art of furniture placement to redirect
energy flow for creating a sense of wellbeing, balance, and harmony in
any environment. Currently taking the West by storm, it has been used by
the Chinese for more than 4,000 years to enhance health, wealth, and
happiness, at work and at home. That’s right — invented by the
venerable ancestors of some of the same folks who have been illicitly
enjoying so many of our nuclear secrets. And it’s catching on in our
country big-time.

But Feng Shui’s not political; it’s an energy thing. Formerly known
as “geomancy,” it’s based on the flow of energy called ”chi,” the
electromagnetic force that flows in and around everything. The words
actually mean “wind and water,” and the Chinese
believe chi follows the flow of these
elements. Studying how these energy patterns work, Feng Shui
experts manipulate environments
to benefit nearly every aspect of life.

Obviously Feng Shui hasn’t caught on with Bill and Hill yet. Or else
these horrible things wouldn’t keep happening to them — and therefore
to America:

* Bill’s recent $90,686 fine by a federal judge for misspeaking, er,
making “intentionally false statements” in his deposition in the Paula
Jones sex harassment lawsuit, on top of the $850,000 he’d already paid
Ms. Jones to settle things. How did the judge arrive at that figure?
Has anyone plotted its numerology?
Where’s
Judge Judy
when we need
her?

  • With that kinda loose change, you’d think Paula could manage to keep
    herself current at least in the taillight department if not in the
    drivers license department. But noooooooooo. Paula Jones was ticketed
    last month for a suspended driver’s license after being stopped by an
    Arkansas state trooper at 1:15 a.m. about 25 miles southwest of Little
    Rock after she was pulled over for a burned-out tail light on her ’93
    Mercedes. Paula is still Paula. Meaning, her driver’s license suspension
    was for failure to appear on a misdemeanor charge out of Long Beach,
    Calif., where she had lived until last February until separating from
    her husband Stephen. Oh, well, I guess it’s true what they say about
    nose jobs: though they can change your profile, that doesn’t mean they
    will fix your life. Tacky, girl, tacky.

  • Monica Lewinsky mentioned as another possible Senate contender in New
    York State, even in jest, and we know what that could mean to Hillary.
    A campaign cat-fight!!! Eeeeeeek!!!

  • Linda Tripp’s indictment on wiretapping charges in the state of
    Maryland, for covertly recording conversations with Monica Lewinsky.
    This makes Mrs. Tripp the only major figure in the sex scandal to face a
    criminal charge. Each offense carries up to five years in prison and a
    $10,000 fine. Um, IS this transparent retribution?

  • Hillary’s excusing her husband’s “desire to please women” which she
    traces back to childhood abuse and now manifests in his “weakness for
    lies.” Sigh. Still gives new meaning to the term presidential timber.
    Where have you gone, George Washington?

Hey, guys, Feng Shui (pronounced Fung Shway) — gaining success with
money, with love, with finances with relationships — could make that
White House hum! It might really be as simple as rearranging some
furniture, simplifying your possessions, adding strategic displays of
color, and tossing out clutter. Works wonders with Y2K worries.

In Bill and Hill’s case, it could be a matter of strategic use of
mirrors and wind chimes. Beefing up the Romance Corner with something
Pink. Shining a spotlight on the Helpful People Corner. Adding something
red to the Financial Corner and something green to the Health Corner.
Some round-leafed plants in entranceways. Making sure all the desks and
the beds FACE their doorways. And discarding all those acres and acres
of useless, boring IRS files the Clintons probably have amassed on their
“enemies,”
whom they believe to be legion. While they’re at it, a bomb shelter in
the basement isn’t a bad idea if we are to take all those high-level
Russian defectors seriously.

And I can’t be sure how Feng Shui impacts on this recent, uh,
development in the “Monkey See, Monkey Do Department,” but here goes:
The surgeon who performed Paula Jones’ nose job has been sued by his
office assistant, who claims the doc demanded sex as a condition for
keeping her job. My, my. The lawsuit alleges that immediately after
this surgeon performed Jones’ proboscis surgery last July, the doc went
into his office, dropped his pants, and yes, demanded oral sex from his
36-year-old assistant. The assistant also contends that the surgeon had
planned to videotape Jones’ operation and sell it to the highest-bidding
tabloid, but there is no word whether this video was ever made. It’s
kind of a classic He Said, She Said situation. While the surgeon
reportedly admitted to an affair with his office assistant, he maintains
it was brief, consensual, that she initiated it, that he ended it, and
that she has been demanding money ever since. Natch.

While it is not known if Feng Shui renders one impervious to such
stupid situations, certainly one can hope for better judgment as an
adjunct benefit. And for those of you still stuck trying to figure out
what Mu Shu Pork is, it’s those thin pancakes you spread with plum sauce
and then a spicy mixture of sliced pork and diced vegetables, before
folding into a tidily delectable package which will doubtlessly confer
upon those who partake of it a long and fruitful life.

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