Little Citizen 577-00-666X came into the world today.
Properly numbered, per
international dictate, she joined billions of other precious
humano-numeric global resources.
From this day, government data managers and selfless researchers will
watch over every aspect of
her welfare — vaccinations, aptitudes, nutrition, scholastic
achievements, emotional adjustment, vocational profiling and of course
her all-important family risk factors. Her life’s progress will be
monitored (and altered, as necessary) by number — a number she will be
carefully taught to cherish.
As she matures, young Ms. 666X’s fertility, economic status,
purchases, residence, employment, habits and health will be carefully
recorded by the numbers. Her number will be the access code that lets
her attend college, marry, get a
professional license, drive,
travel abroad, work,
buy a home, bank or invest.
And when she dies, her death certificate will sum up her life as
With careful resource management, the day of her termination will be
many years in the future. Today, as her parents submitted her to the
hospital staff for numbering, they were surprisingly uneasy about her
secure and well-observed future. Were they, they wondered, sacrificing
independence and privacy by numbering her at birth? But … well …
what else could they do?
It goes without saying that Little Citizen 577-00-666X wasn’t born in
my contrary, cussed, hole-in-the-wall town of Hardyville.
Oh, of course, there are numbered people here. But even the numbered
types figure numbering is something a person should make an informed
choice about. An hour-old baby can hardly say, “Yes, I opt for
convenience and a nine-digit tattoo,” or “No, I’d rather face the
challenge of a numberless life.”
Give the baby a break! Let him make his own choices when he’s old
enough to know the consequences.
Not easy, is the answer. Though no law requires anyone to have a
Social Security number, countless laws and a growing number of business
policies make it difficult to live without one. The Social Security
Administration’s Enumeration at Birth program makes it nearly
impossible to get out of the hospital without giving an ID number to
your newborn child.
But Hardyville happens to have a circuit-riding lawyer. He rolls
across Lonelyheart Pass once in a while to help Hardyvillians litigate
about water rights, sheep-eating wolves and the locally entrenched habit
of driving without a government license.
Call him Lawyer X*. He has some ideas about keeping babies
This column doesn’t constitute legal advice. (I’m no lawyer, and
frankly, I haven’t checked Lawyer X’s law-school diploma, which he
swears is somewhere in the toolbox of his pickup truck.) Think about and
always check everything this important for yourself. But here’s
- Give birth at home.
- Give birth overseas or in Canada. Apply for registration of the
overseas birth of a U.S. Citizen at the American Embassy. When filling
out the form for Consular
Report of Birth (FS-240), you will find that an SS-5 form — application
for the Number of the Beast — is conveniently attached underneath so
the info is transferred in one stroke. Just separate the forms and only
fill out the top. Then use your Consular Report to obtain a passport for
the baby. As for SSN and passport applications, I’ve never known anyone
to have trouble with a simple refusal.
- Give birth in a hospital under an assumed name. (If you call
hospitals in advance, tell them you are paying in advance, and
negotiate, you will get a cut rate for the delivery.)
- Call the hospital in advance and ask them what you have to do to
assure that an SS-5 form is not filled out as part of the
record-keeping process. Explain your opposition to numbering. (Not
- When given the forms for birth certificate application, put them in
your purse and leave without filling them out. Often there is just a box
for the forms to be deposited. Lack of service and “drive-through
deliveries” are sometimes beneficial. If you let your kid get a birth
certificate, the baby will almost certainly get an SSN, so it’s the
birth certificate you have to avoid.
- If confronted, simply refuse to name the baby. They can’t name it
- Keep the hospital bill as proof of birth. Get your child baptized
(even if you’re not religious) and keep the baptismal certificate. Get a
traditional family bible with a family records section in the middle and
fill it out. A nice (though expensive) bible for this purpose is sold
here. These are all legal proof of birth. Use them to get a passport
for the baby.
- If you are unfortunately assigned an SSN for your baby, throw the
card away without looking at it, white it out on bills or other printed
forms copy them without the number and throw the originals away. If the
number is never used, it’s almost as good as never having one in the
He adds: “I also carry nice cards laser printed on business card
stock which read as follows:
The Revelation of Saint John the
Chapter 13, Verses 11 to 18
11. And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had
two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon. 16. And he causeth all,
both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in
their right hand, or in their foreheads: 17. And that no man might buy
save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of
his name. 18. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the
number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is
six hundred threescore and six. 666.
“When you give it to people they tend to leave you alone because they
think you’re a nut.”
Lawyer X concludes: “Proof of identity is never needed. Proof of
authorization is only needed by one’s bankers. The rest is government
garbage. Hopefully enough people will learn this and we can reduce the
nonsense a bit.”
But of course, un-numbering your baby does lead to inconveniences —
some very serious. Surely, parents ask, there must be less
controversial, non-confrontational ways of staying free?
What about getting a religious exemption?
Some normally decent U.S. House members (Yes, there are a couple.)
have sponsored a bill, H.R. 2494,
to enable parents who can prove they have a “sincerely held religious
belief” to claim tax benefits without numbering their babies.
Let’s just say for the sake of argument that this bill passes. And
let’s say you’re a congressionally-approved Christian, not some mere
mongrel freedom lover like me. What do you do? Certify your beliefs to
the IRS, then pray to God that His religion meets their
standards? List your “religious nut” status in a federal database? (Very
time they’re looking for a church to burn.) Feel safe, smug — or both
— as you take tax benefits for your unmarked children, while millions
submit to numbering?
That’s not only not safe — it’s collaboration. It’s making
deals with tyrants to save your own skin — or in this case, save money.
“But,” I hear voices protesting. “If I don’t cooperate, one way or
another, I can’t use junior as a tax writeoff!”
Well goodness. Maybe at this point you ought to be thinking about
telling the federal money grubbers to go to hell, rather than bowing
deeper to their commands.
Be that as it may, several parents have asked if I thought the dollar
amount of IRS credits and deductions made the loss of freedom “worth
it.” Well, the sum the fedgov offers for selling out innocents varies
from family to family, so I can’t do calculations for you. But the
fee for this type of transaction is 30 pieces of
silver. You’ll have to decide for yourself whether it’s worth it.
*”Lawyer X” is — in real life — an attorney, a FreeLife reader
and a wide-ranging Internet commentator who chose to offer this