They come in all sizes, shapes and forms, but they have one thing in
common: they’re idiots!
As you might well imagine, being the heavyweight champ of
journalistic pugilists for over 10 years now, I have suffered the slings
and arrows of idiots (most often encountered in their most noxious
incarnation, the Stupid Letter Writer) more times than I care to
remember. I have gone from hating them to loving them … to my current
position, which can best be described as a weird kind of neutrality.
This is the only logical posture one could take; any other would
ultimately drive one insane — especially given the fact that idiot
population on the earth is increasing at a frighteningly alarming rate.
The last column I dedicated to this noxious breed was ”
When I finished that piece, I figured that was enough. As this species
evidences little change, I figured one column was really all they
However, last week’s column, ”
How To Live A Stupid
produced a massive deluge of incredibly stupid e-mails. In large part,
the writers of these half-witted missives were primarily angered,
appalled or otherwise displeased Christians (make that so-called
Christians). After my assistant had me read a few of these documents
(I stopped reading my e-mails long ago), I realized that I had no choice
but to do this column.
These particular letters have a particularly odiferous quality about
them — and keep in mind, the column generated over 500 (at last count)
of the bloody things! Yeah, right. Scary!
For the record, I’ve included not only my own commentary, but a few
of the responses to the e-mails, which were penned by my erstwhile
assistant, Ms. Betsy Dansch. It’s no secret by now that Betsy Dansch is,
in fact, a pseudonym for my partner in crime — the diabolic Dr. Otis
Bingenheimer, who not only edits my work, replies to all my mail
(sending e-mail bombs, when necessary, to any wiseguys who try spamming
me), deals with obsessed fans, stalkers, etc., and in general, keeps the
wolves from the door (for a rather large cut of my take, the scumbag!).
But enough blabber. Now it’s time to get your water balloons, banana
cream pies and peashooters ready. The show is about to begin. So without
further ado, ladies and gentlemen — here they are (canned
applause/assorted hooting/bad music) … THE STUPID CLUB!
- Subject: (no subject)
From: Carrie. S. Rhea email@example.com
Your column today is for s—. There’s no real excuse for imposing
your lack of talent on WorldNetDaily. Your lack of respect for among
other things, Christianity, unbecoming and only exemplifies your
ignorance. You now have one less reader! Twice a week as you might know
Editorial comment: Well, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard
that lack of respect is “unbecoming.” In any event, this letter is
pretty standard fare. It goes like this: This idiot letter writer has
been stung by the truth in my column. He (generally without much
forethought) retaliates. This letter is of the lowest order of Stupid
Letters. First we get the insult, then the threat (I now have one less
reader … as that mattered). As with many Stupid Letter Writers, this
dolt winds her attempt at one-upsmanship with a gigantic bonker — a
closing sentence that makes absolutely no sense! Yikes!!!
- Subject: Your “stupid” column
From: Rick Williams, CIC” firstname.lastname@example.org
Organization: RG Williams Insurance Agency, Inc.
I feel truly sorry for you. I understand that you are poking fun at
the touch-feely idiots in modern society, but I think you believe there
are no answers and your repeated assertions that God has no answers is
false. He does have the answers. I lived until I was 21 in the “stupid
life,” got converted to Christ when I was 22 and have lived the last 20
years of my life with purpose. Christ does have answers. Ask Him —
Editorial comment: Well, whaddaya gonna expect from an insurance
agent? Especially one that puts that in the header of his letter (as if
it’s something to be proud of). The only reason I include this missive
is that it’s the perfect example of one of most common breeds of Stupid
Letter Writer: the Condescending Christian. The “I feel sorry for you,”
opener is standard fare for these dodos. Do these people actually think
you’re going to take anything they say seriously when they begin their
“helpful” letters by jumping up on the proverbial pedestal (thereby
exposing the fact that their pants are down)? Unfortunately, the answer
- Subject: Re: your ignorance. (sorry)
From: Art Lance email@example.com
you should know what you are talking about before you make a
jugdement. your statement about meditation being pointless shows me of
your ignorance. i have gotten many benefits from it. its a very real
thing. but maybe i should let you think what you want and not say
anything, so that you will alway be ignorant. no i cant do that. my
responce to you shows that i care enuf (sp) to say somrthing to you.
just so you know.
do’nt make small plans.
Editorial comment: What can you about this dunce? Illiteracy is
rampant in America, and here it is — right in your face. If I was truly
a good guy (which I’m not) I would have corrected this guy’s spelling
for him. But what’s the point? This numbskull is clearly beyond help.
Oh yeah. About that last line … don’t ask me man. I have
no clue. And neither obviously, does poor Mr. Lance.
- Subject: Re: recent column
From: Richard Eyerly firstname.lastname@example.org
“In a moment of desperation, accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior
Walk around for a couple of weeks saying ‘Praise the Lord’ and stuff
Quit Christianity after realizing that Christians are primarily
hypocrites and liars, and, besides, they don’t have any more answers
than anybody else”
What kind of person would be foolish enough to make such a broadly
insulting generalization about millions of people he doesn’t know?
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
Editorial comment: Does this yutz really think his half-witted
message is going to gain any strength by surrounding it with Biblical
passages? What in God’s name is wrong with these numbskulls? No
wonder people are leaving churches in droves!
- Subject: Re: “How to live a stupid life” Column
From: Anna O’Neill email@example.com
Did they actually pay you for that? And I thought I had writers’
With all due respect?
S.L. Goldman responds: What I make (or don’t make) is none of
Editorial comment: Again, I include this because it typifies standard
Stupid Letter Writer fare. The wounded party attempts to get cute with
an over-the-hill liner, followed by a really lame punch line. Pathetic?
Yes. Effective? Nah.
- Subject: Stupid Column
If you believe your piece “How to Live a Stupid Life” is journalism,
you are even goofier than the 600+ word junk you wrote. You’ve
convinced me: I will never again read anything you write. If you have
nothing to write, don’t. Put that in your ditty bag.
S.L. Goldman responds: Sorry, but I don’t know what “journalism”
Editorial comment: I couldn’t help responding to this dunderhead.
Again, I include this missive, as it typifies so much of the e-mail that
crosses my desk. First the insult, then the threat (“I will never again
read anything you write”) … then the lame punchline. Yowza!
And will someone please enlighten me — what the hell is a “ditty
- Subject :Re: 27 August 99 article
From: Dennis J. Bailey” firstname.lastname@example.org
You forgot one item on your list: Work for WND
Editorial comment: No comment
- Subject: Your column
Was surfing through theweb and saw your web page, very funny. all
Betsy Dansch (Personal Assistant to S.L. Goldman) responds: Oh.
Are you Jewish?
RulesGirl responds: “Betsy, yes i am jewish and very proud of it …”
Betsy Dansch responds: Oh! That’s good! I am not (Jewish) but all of
my friends are, and it’s cool except they (all the girls) have
RulesGirl responds: “Have you turned five yet? You are going to
put down jews? Well I tell you what Betsy, or whoever you are, I am
going to try very hard to find out who you are and when i do I am going
to call bunch of jews who head the anti-defamation league, and we will
deal with your comments as a team.”
Betsy Dansch responds: I AM Jewish, you dumb ninny. How dare you
suggest I put down the people I love! And, by the way, I am calling the
B’nai B’rith, the ACLU, the Grateful Dead Fan Club, AND my attorney
(who, oddly, is NOT Jewish).
Editorial comment: Well I have to say, ol’ Betsy was a little unkind
to this bimbo. But her instincts were right on target. She smelled a
nasty streak in RulesGirl, and it took only one tiny dart to expose it
(for those who don’t know “The Rules” — which is no doubt where
“RulesGirl” got her handle — it is an ugly feminist manifesto that
teaches women how to manipulate men). RulesGirl’s follow-up letters
expose her for what she is, a self-righteous bullying shrew. To wit:
scratch the skin of just about anyone — especially those who are
“proud” of their religion — and they’ll come after you with sixguns
blazing. Here’s the proof.
- From: Jack E. Warner email@example.com
Re: How To Live A Stupid Life
Dear Mr. Goldman:
I just read your article, “How to live a stupid life.” I have also
read, “A cynical look at Christians.” I am a practicing Christian for
the past 20 years. The Lord saved me in 1979 when life was about to
drive me insane. I found the help I needed in Christ. I found Him real
even though I found Church to not be so real at times.
Churchianity has been a disappointment to me also at times.
Christians have let me down many times but Jesus Christ never has. I
can relate to much of your article in “How to live a stupid life.” I
lived a stupid life untill Jesus Christ saved me from myself. It’s that
personal day to day fellowship with the Lord Himself that keeps me sane
in this insane world He also helps me to love a very imperfect church.
I like your directness and honesty (some times tongue in cheek) Mr.
Goldman. I’l be sure to litlte pray a little prayer for you everytime.
I read your articles.
S.L. Goldman responds: Thank you for your prayers. If you want,
you can also send me money, which would be more advantageous at this
time. Ask Jesus if you should send me money and see what he says. Be
sure and let me know.
PS: I am not the author of “A Cynical Look At Christians,” though I
think it is fairly accurate.
God-Bless Jack responds: “Thank you for your fast reply. Concerning
my prayers for you — your welcome sir. I ran across you on
WorldNetDaily. I am a fairly new reader of your articles and I don’t
hardly know what to think of you just yet, but a least you are not
boring. Yes, I will pray and ask Jesus if I should send you some money.
Do you need funds to support your expenses in writing or for personal
needs, just curious. For a moment when I read your E-Mail I thought you
were a TV Evangelist — Ha! Some of them are real bad about asking for
money all the time. I don’t like that, do you? But I will support a
good cause, Christian or Non-Christian if it truly helps people.
Goodnight, Mr. Goldman.”
S.L. Goldman responds: Can you just send me two or three hundred
dollars? I really need it.
God-Bless Jack responds: “Friendship is based on trust. I have read
some more of your writings. Some of them are really good. Others cause
me to wonder about your sanity. But like I say, at least you aren’t
boring. Your boldness in asking a new reader for 2 or 3 hundred dollars
is straining my friendship with you though. By the way, I am an “old
dog” like you, I am 64. I find many of your articles really touch my
heart but you haven’t quite got to my billfold yet. Everybody has their
hand out these days so you are really nothing new. A little more tact
would help. Even when a whore hits on you, at least you get a few
moments of pleasure for your money–but you might get AIDs also.
Caution is the word these days my brother. Watch what you spend your
money on or it could come back to haunt you. Your new friend, Jack.”
S.L. Goldman responds: Jack, let me enlighten you as to a couple of
things. One, we are not “friends.” Thus, there is nothing to strain.
Number two: I am not an “old dog” — either spiritually or in years (I
am, in fact, quite a bit younger than you, though I may at times sound
like an “old fart”). Bottom line, Jack, is you sent me what I consider
to be a “standard” Christian diatribe. I responded by asking you
(sincerely) for money. Now that I’ve put an actual number down, you
begin philosophizing. You’re not ready to step up to the plate and help
your brother. You’d rather talk and not “do.” This is, of course,
exactly what I expected, and further crystallizes my belief that
Christians (or that is people who CALL themselves Christians) are full
of crap. Nothing personal Jack, and I’m not making any judgements on
the reality (or lack thereof) of your salvation. Only the Big Guy knows
that. But as far as I can see, you’re just another one of the sheep.
Thanks for proving my point.
God-Bless Jack responds: “Thanks for the enlightenment. Thanks for
straightening me out concerning friends and you being an ‘old dog.’
Yes, I thought you sounded like an angry ‘old fart’ in several of your
articles I have read. You know a lot about the 50s so I figured you
were about my age. Honestly I figured you were older than I am and
probably had much pain in your body. Figured that was what made you so
“Yep, your right, I am just another one of the sheep. You spotted me
SL, your so bright, you sharpe tongued bugger you. Sorry your so hard
up for money SL. Are you sure your not a backslid evangelist? I don’t
know why anybody would’nt want to send old SL some money. Do you suppose
it could be your attitude–NOooooooo–it couldn’t be that. Your such a
“Concerning me being full of s—. Others have said that of me also
and no doubt you to, since you are such a famous (sharp tongued)
writer. I bet yoo get a lot of hate mail–poor SL.
“Concerning the $50,000 I was thinking about sending to you. I
decided to wait a while on that gift since our new friendship has went
down the tube. Nothing personal SL, and I hope you don’t take it that
“Concerning you and I being Christians. Only the ‘Big Guy’ knows for
sure about you and me or anybody else for that matter. But he did say
something about ‘fruit’ and the words that come out of our mouth.
Something about sweet water and bitter water coming out of the same
“Well SL, I don’t expect to hear from you again since you didn’t get
any commitment from me to send you money at this time.
“To tell you the truth I was really surprised to get this last
response in which you enlightened me so about my character. At least
you weren’t begging for money again. Thank you so much SL, you made my
“So long SL, JW — just another sheep.”
Editorial comment: I included this entire exchange because it truly
typifies what happens when you push a (so-called) Christian to the
limit. Here are the important things to look for. Notice how ol’
“God-Bless” starts off real friendly. After I opt to test him (by asking
for moolah) he gets cagey. Suddenly he’s my buddy. He evades the issue
by spouting more Christian psychobabble. I push him again. This time,
he’s not so friendly. Finally, when he’s confronted with a “s— or get
off the pot” ultimatum, the nice guy veneer suddenly vanishes. He begins
backpedaling and lying (like this guy was really going to send me
$50K!). His last missive is rife with incredibly ineffective insults.
(Geez! What happened to our “friendship?”) This last missive exposes ol’
“God-Bless” for what he is: another Christian used-car salesman.
Now some of you might think I was a little cruel to ol’ Jack. He
actually sounds like sort of a nice guy. Maybe. But my goal in this
column — as I’ve said many times — is not to make friends. It’s to
reveal the truth, no matter what. In order to get to “the core” of
people –especially those who want to push their faith on you — you
have to go right to the mat and test them. Talk is cheap. Actions are
ALL that matters. And that’s the name of that tune …
GOLDMAN HOOH HAH
Well, I think that’s just about enough for this little go-round. Yes,
I know it’s fun to read these things — if for no other reason than see
the level of sheer stupidity that humanity has descended to. But keep in
mind, folks — reading too many Idiot Letters actually reduces the
amount of brain cells in your head, and also causes cancer of the
cerebellum, as well as other serious disorders. Trust me on this. In
fact, I suggest that in order to counteract the negative effects that
reading the above missives has no doubt caused, that you immediately go
to the library and borrow at least three of the following: “Swann’s
Way,” “Stern,” “Winesburg Ohio,” “To Kill A Mockingbird,” “A Fan’s
Notes,” “How To Talk Dirty And Influence People,” “The Moviegoer,” “Moby
Dick,” “The Celestine Prophecy” (just kidding), “The Maltese Falcon,” or
anything by John Fante.
They’re called “books” — just in case you forgot.
Seriously, folks, we’ve got to get back to reading. Illiteracy is
cancer. People’s brains are atrophying as we speak!
Moreover, as the year 2000 approaches, we’re going to see more and
more people spouting all kinds of gibberish — especially in the area of
“faith.” God gave us “The Word.” But one must be able not only to read
(which means one ought to know how to spell), but to understand
before we can receive this most precious of gifts.
People don’t like it when you expose them. What I’m trying to get
across here, is that it’s absolutely 100 percent necessary for you to
TEST each and every person who approaches you as a “friend” or “helper.”
The wolves in sheep’s clothing are rampant in these times — and it’s
going to get worse. Trust me (I should say, DON’T trust me).
As for those of you who are whining about The
Tongue not being ready yet — hold yer damn
pants on. We’re about an inch away from unveiling the absolute coolest,
most mind-boggling site on the web (what other site can you go to in
order to get de-programmed?), and I ain’t about to open the gates until
everything’s 100 percent ready to go. In the meanwhile, if you’re hungry
for a dose of harsh reality, you can go to a preview version of
The Tongue. Or, better yet,
check out our
store. (We’ve just
added a bunch of cool new titles.) You want to learn how to “beat the
system?” We’ve got the stuff! Also, keep your eyes peeled for the
forthcoming sequel to ”
Secrets Of The
which is just about to go to press. If you think the first volume was
hot, wait till you see what we’re gonna show all you wannabe private
eyes and would-be spies how to do in Volume 2. Information is power …
and everything is available (if you know the passcode).
You’re a bunch of babies! Shut up and (like we said to ol’ God Bless
Jack) send us some money.
See you turkeys next week.