Every stink that fights the ventilator thinks it is Don

    –Stanislaw Lem

This morning, a piece in the local paper caught my eye. The
headline read, “Critics Get Serious About JAP Jokes.” The article went
on to enumerate the measures that a certain contingent of women (many of
whom head up groups with names like The National Task Force On Women’s
Issues For The American Jewish People’s Way) are doing to combat that
most insidious bit of character defamation — the Jewish American
Princess joke. Along with the usual strong-arm tactics — petitions,
sit-ins, threats of libel suits, these women are attempting to have the
term JAP stricken from the English language.

Now this bugs me. Not because I care about the term itself, but
because I get real antsy when the language starts getting messed with.
As George Orwell noted, language, can — and does — influence thought.
In fact, manipulation of the language is probably the most oft used
tactic of the Accredited Victim. Highly skilled in the techniques of
propaganda, these folks have learned their lessons well. Change the
meaning of words, then thoughts — and ultimately a change in perception
occurs. The women who are doing all the howling seem to forget the fact
that JAP jokes were originated by Jews. But no matter. Dallas attorney
Karen Benton says that while she is proud of the role of Jewish humor in
American life, she feels JAP jokes have “crossed the line from a healthy
coping mechanism to oppressive bigotry.”

Just where that line begins and ends, Benton doesn’t bother to tell
us, but what the heck — Accredited Victims needn’t be specific with
their charges. Meanwhile, Rabbi Lillian Brownkowski, director of the
Maarev Jewish Center loads up both barrels when she says that JAP jokes
are unacceptable because “anti-semitism marked as sexism is a more
socially accepted form of bigotry.”

Now that’s what I call a mouthful.

But by far the most blatantly stupid statement comes from Riva
Liebowitz, a psychotherapist who tells us that JAP jokes arise out of
“fear and repressed anger and a feeling of powerlessness.”

Oh Lord. Let me ask you something, dear psychiatrist; is it
conceivable that JAP jokes exist because the stereotype of the snobbish,
materialistic, sexually repressed Jewish woman is true? Stereotypes
perform the highly necessary function of letting us simplify, and hence,
categorize. They are not subjective opinions, but rather objective
descriptions of fact. This is not to say all Jewish women are JAPS (just
a good deal of them). Obviously, there are gentile women who fit the
profile as well. Fortunately, we have a fitting term for them as well:

But, say the protesters, Jewish jokes constitute “age old
anti-semitism in a new package.” Ah ha, there’s the old bugaboo! All one
need do is to evoke the specter of the Holocaust and it’s all over. Time
and again, I’ve found that when the terms “sexist” or “racist” don’t
quite cut it, the next term on the tongues of people who want attention
drawn to their favorite cause is “neo-Nazi.” It matters not if
contextually the slur is meaningless. Once uttered, it performs its
function like a heat-seeking missile.

I could go on with the tactics of the protesters, but what’s the
point? For my money, the only real crime here is the utter humorlessness
of these women. Don’t they have anything better to do than to run around
making pests of themselves? I mean, hell, people are dying out there!

There are gang wars, drug wars … murders, poverty, starvation. Good
Lord, there’s work to be done, man! Meanwhile, these pious,
self-righteous feminist shrews are running off at the mouth because
their oh-so precious sense of self-esteem has been tampered with. This
is beyond petty! It’s just plain stupid … not to mention irrelevant.

Look, I’ve been at the butt end of Jewish jokes more than once during
my lifetime. My reaction depends upon the circumstances. If the joke is
funny, I’ll laugh (everything doesn’t have to be personal). If I feel
it’s out of line, I’ll deal with it either by ignoring the jokester or
— If I feel he’s really off base — by punching him out. And that’s

And now enough of this nonsense. Lest I be accused of getting too
serious, let’s wind things up on a more light hearted note, shall we?
Oh, would you mind letting me know if you’ve heard this one before?

What’s a JAP’s favorite erotic position?

Bending over the credit cards.

GOLDMAN HOOH HAH: Well, the Tongue has
now been voted the Web’s most offensive site for 36 weeks in a row now
(we stacked the deck, natch). BFD!!!

MATT WHO? Happened to catch Matt Drudge on TV the other night.
Frankly, I’ve never really seen the guy’s show before. Isn’t that whole
hat thing rather passe, Matt ol’ boy? Frankly, I don’t get Drudge’s
popularity. He’s not a good reporter, he’s ugly, and he’s got some weird
kind of speech impediment that frequently finds him spitting on his
“guests” (none of whom, thus far, have commented on Matt’s unfortunate
habit). Ah, well, when there’s a lack of “star quality” media heroes out
there, ya gotta go with whoever’s around, I guess. Geez. Where’s Ernie
Kovaks when you need him?

ANTIDEPRESSANT FRAUD: Don’t ask me why but I tossed all of my
antidepressants down the toilet last week. My shrink had just switched
me from Zoloft to Depakote. I had been fighting feeling like I was gonna
puke all week, and on a whim, I thought “screw it … I’m tossin’ these
suckers.” And so I did. Guess what? I’ve been feeling better than I ever
did in my life! Given the amount of shrinks (not to mention regular ol’
stupid MD’s who are passing out psychotropic drugs as a matter of course
these days, I’d say there’s a major kickback happening by the drug
companies. I mean, they all admit that they have no idea which one of
these bloody drugs is gonna work on you. I started out on Prozac 10
years ago and have been through the gamut of them, and, frankly, I don’t
think any of ’em ever helped! But when I think of the amount of dough I
spent on the scrips, it makes me sick.

GOLDMAN IN THE MEDIA: Be sure and pick up a copy of feminist author
Susan Faludi’s new book, “Stiffed: The Betrayal Of The American Man.”
There’s a nice little section there on yours truly. Faludi — who won a
Pulitzer for her first book, “Backlash” — interviewed me extensively
last year, while I was producing the film, “The Bouncer.” Truth be told,
I developed a fairly good sized crush on the very attractive young
(well, she’s 40, so she’s not that young) lass while we were going
through the interview process so I was sad to learn that she’s living
with some geek journalist (ah, Susan, you picked the wrong guy). Be that
as it may, for a feminist bimbo, Faludi is amazingly perceptive, open
minded and — most importantly — she’s not ugly like the mass of Andrea
Dworkin PigWomen that make up the hardcore feminist ranks.

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OK, there’s a rerun of “The Champ” (the original one with Kirk
Douglas, not that piece of dreck with Jon Voight) on. Gotta go. See
you dunderheads next week. …

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