Man, I’m tired of working. Think I’ll take a break. Turn on the ol’ tube.
See what’s on.

CLICK. Good Lord. What the hell’s this? Some dumb movie with a bunch of
half-naked savages in devil masks jumping around. Hmmm. Here’s Henry Silva,
about to get cooked for dinner. Great character actor. What’s he doing in
this third-rate piece of garbage? Don’t actors have any pride, or do they
just take any gig that pays them? Later, Henry …

FLIP. Oh my God! Who is this freak? Oh, I see. It’s the
weatherman. What is it with these guys anyhow? They’re all deformed or
something! Besides that, they all have hair helmets. I swear, I’ve never
seen one normal-looking weatherman in my entire life. Must be a cult or
something …

FLIP. The Fugitive. Forget it. Great show, but this episode’s in color.
It was all over for old Richard Kimble once the black-and-white episodes
ended. Then you could see that David Jansen’s hair was dyed and he looked
exactly like what he was — a poor imitation of Clarke Gable …

FLIP. Ahhhh. Help! Gigantic teeth staring at me. Eughggghhh. A
Dentu-Cr?me commercial. They oughtta outlaw those things …

FLIP. Oh God! A football game. What could possibly be worse than watching
a bunch of stupid steroided guys run around in the mud with a little ball?
Oh well …

FLIP. Whoa! A Mexican vampire flick. Cool. Lots of swell looking chicks
with big bazoomers! But wait a sec? How come they’re all blonde? I mean,
come on! You never see blond Mexicans walking around in the real
world. And how come all Mexican movies look like porn flicks? Aieeee! Adios,
muchachas …

FLIP. Oh no! The worst! Public Access. What a hideous idea. Today,
any nitwit with 35 bucks can have his own TV show. This one features some
jerk with an English accent talking to a fat girl with dyed-red hair about a
play he directed and that nobody ever heard of. Loser city …

FLIP. Now here’s a reeeeallly bad show – Walker: Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris. The consummate non-actor (besides being a terrible martial
artist). What’s most amazing is that this bloody thing has been high in the
ratings for about four years now. Guess we should never underestimate the
stupidity of the public …

FLIP. Yuck! Some flick with John Candy. Or is it Chris Farley? Can’t tell
’em apart. They’re both dead fat guy, coke-snorting actors, so we’re
supposed to treat their “work” like they were geniuses or something. Sorry
guys, but I don’t miss you, and there ain’t no way I’m gonna sit through two
hours of bad slapstick …

FLIP. Allright! A cop movie with Charles Bronson. Now we’re talkin
‘. I love a good shoot ’em up. Oh no! Where are my earplugs? What a
god-awful soundtrack! I swear, you take a film that might have a chance, and
then they have to go ruin it with some cheap soundtrack featuring a bad rock
‘n’ roll guitar player. Oh well …

FLIP. Oh great! The Patty Duke Show. I swear, of all the cool ’60s shows
(Dennis the Menace, The Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island) they had to bring
back this lame piece of dreck. Patty Duke is creepy as an adult and she was
creepy as a little kid! In fact, she never was a little kid! She had
the body of a little kid with the head of an adult! She’s scary! …

FLIP. What’s this? Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn in what looks like one of
those stupid National Lampoon films that they rerun 80 million times on
cable. Oh, funny. Chase and Hawn are driving the wrong way down a
one-way street and, yep … sure enough … they crash — slow-motion —
into a pizza parlor. Gimme a break! Do the jerks who produce this stuff
really think we get a big bang out of endless car crashes? I guess so …

FLIP. Puke!!! The cable shopping channel. Oh man, does anybody really buy
this garbage? Plus, why’d they have to get such an idiot for a commentator?

FLIP. Oh spare me. Two old guys in bad suits talking about lower interest
rates and nibbling-bear markets. See ya later, fellas …

FLIP. Help! It’s the worst band in the world — The Beach Boys. Guest
starring on one of those crappy new sit-coms featuring a bunch of hip, young
guys with hip, messy hair and hip, baggy shirts and their stupid hip,
illiterate girlfriends. Good God, they all look about 80 by now. Especially
Mike Love … the disgusting lead singer. The weirdest thing to me is that
The Beach Boys were always phonies. I remember they played at my high school
in the ’60s and we hated them back then because we knew none of them were
real surfers. I can’t believe they’re still working the room …

FLIP. Oh my God! Do we need this? Drew Barrymore (another drugged-out
actress) talking to Jay Leno (Mr. Chin) — very sincerely–about how
“ennobling” it was to do the role in her latest film. These stars really
make me sick when they start getting humble …

FLIP. Oh Lord. Whoopi Goldberg (talking even more sincerely than Drew
Barrymore) with David Letterman. I don’t know which one of them is more
disgusting. Letterman looks like he’s ready for the grave. And as for Whoopi
… well, how this freak could ever have grown dear to the hearts of her
fellow Americans is beyond me. I mean, how can anybody stand her? That hair!
Those gums. Oh man, I feel a massive depression coming on …


Ah, the hell with it. Think I’ll go to bed and read a good book.


GOLDMAN HOOH HAH: I really only have one thing to say to you, my loyal
legions, at this point in time. And that is … Supersnoopers,
Supersnoopers, Supersnoopers, Supersnoopers,
Supersnoopers. Buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it …

See all you turkey-heads next week.

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