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We are once again at that time of the year when it is customary to
confess our shortcomings and formulate our resolutions for overcoming
them. This year is, of course, very special. We are not saying goodbye
to a single year but to a millennium; these aren’t simply new-year
resolutions; these are new-millennium resolutions.

Adding to the awesome gravitas are predictions that the year 1999 is
the last one we shall experience, that we have finally arrived at what
is referred to by the eschatologists as “the end times.”

My first inclination was to ignore these apocalyptic warnings, that
is until I began to see certain “signs” that gave me pause. One in
particular unnerved me, namely the sudden defection of the dependably
solid conservative, Pat Buchanan. Pat left our good company to join up
with professed communists, black revolutionaries and labor unions in an
effort to change America. What greater evidence does one need to be
convinced that the times are seriously out of joint and that the natural
order of things has been disrupted in the most fundamental way?

As is my wont in times of confusion, I consulted my husband, the
wisest man in the known universe. “Tell me,” I said, “do you believe all
that talk about us being doomed?” My beloved lowered the newspaper
behind which he had been resting, and blessed me with a beneficent
smile. “No, my angel,” he replied. “We are not doomed. We are merely
half-doomed.”

I was half-consoled and 50-percent reassured.

By the time you read this, assuming that you are still around to do
so, I will either be heating up canned army rations on a Coleman stove,
bragging to my husband that I anticipated and prepared for the Y2K
calamity, or I will be explaining to him once again why the garage is
stacked to the ceiling with survival gear and enough supplies to keep us
alive for the next five years.

Nevertheless, if these are the end times and the last judgment is at
hand, more is the reason to clear the deck of unconfessed sins and
commit to doing better, given the opportunity.

This year I do not intend to revisit all the nasty things I may have
said and done in the past. I will follow the lead of my liberal
brethren, and simply declare that anything which happened more than ten
minutes ago is history, and that we should not dwell there in that
negative place, but move forward into the 21st century.

Resolutions, however, are important in that they lay out a path of
good intentions. Therefore, under the assumptions that the Apocalypse is
not under way and that civilization is not on the cusp of collapse, I,
Linda Bowles, being of conservative mind and body, do hereby make the
following resolutions for 2000. I solemnly resolve to:

 

  1. Follow up on the rumor that high-placed Democrats have
    discovered that a significant number of the voters who give Clinton a
    high job-approval rating are on Prozac — and plan to introduce it into
    the water supply in Republican strongholds and blame it on foreign
    terrorists.

     

  2. Alert the Pentagon to the dangers of possible hostile actions.
    Roger Clinton recently went to North Korea as part of a “cultural
    exchange” and assaulted that testy country with a raucous, incoherent
    rock ‘n’ roll concert, with attendant on-stage spasms which might have
    been viewed as taunting and hostile. It seems prudent to anticipate what
    the Koreans might consider a proper exchange — a missile attack,
    perhaps.

     

  3. Survive long enough to see Bill Clinton’s medical records.

     

  4. Insist that the Arkansas State Bar Association stop stalling and
    get on with the business of what to do about a fellow lawyer, namely
    Bill Clinton, who has been impeached by the U.S. House of
    Representatives for vile misconduct and held in contempt by a federal
    judge for perjury and the willful obstruction of justice. My question to
    them is this: Are you going to disbar him as your code of ethics
    requires, or are you going to reveal the truth of what most people
    already believe about you, and invite him to attend your next meeting as
    guest of honor?

     

  5. Remind Al Gore that one lays up treasures in heaven by giving
    away one’s own money, not someone else’s.

     

  6. Work diligently to assure that we never forget the damage done to
    America by the Little Rock wrecking crew. We cannot let down our guard,
    even though the prospects are good that by this time next year, a man of
    high character will have been elected president, Hillary’s bid for the
    Senate will have failed and the national humiliation will finally be
    over.

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