Well, just four more weeks until voting day, Hillary, and you’ve
cracked the 50 percent voter approval rating. You lead Rick Lazio by
about 10 points in the polls and things are lookin’ very well indeed.

Your strategy of running around the State of New York talking in
generalities seems to be working. And the fact that the notoriously
vicious New York press has given you a giant air kiss is simply
incredible. Especially since you have given the media your middle finger
for the past 16 months. Your press conferences are tightly controlled
and one-on-one interviews with you almost impossible. Your Praetorian
Guard of Secret Service agents makes it impossible for the media to get
near you, and your highly paid advisers reject almost every print and
television request for a sit-down.

In the past this strategy would have gotten a big Bronx cheer from
New York voters but now the Bronx is firmly in your corner. That’s
because many of the poor who inhabit New York City’s outer boroughs feel
the government owes them plenty. And you promise to deliver plenty.
Also, there are hundreds of thousands of new naturalized citizens in New
York and most of them love you.

They could not care less about your opponent.

As we all know, Americans either love you or hate you and right now
you are getting sugar from the majority of New Yorkers. Again, that’s a
bit strange because you haven’t really done anything in the public arena
and New Yorkers demand performance on the field and success in the
clutch. Your two major issues are education and health care. They are
nice issues, Hil, but they are a bear to deal with as you know. You
oversaw the educational programs in Arkansas for eight years while Bill
was governor. In all that time Arkansas went from 49th to 49th in the
national educational rankings. Thank God for Mississippi.

And then there was the health care ordeal. Bill put you in charge of
his health revolution and, please forgive me for saying this Hillary,
you turned it into a catastrophe. I know, I know, you learned a lot in
the process. But people in Romania were mocking us. People who still
believe putting leeches on your body is a great prescription were
saying, “You know, I think I’ll stay with the leeches. They’re a lot
simpler to figure out than Hillary’s plan.”

But as Bill Murray once said in the great movie “Meatballs,” “It
just doesn’t matter.” Your run for the Senate is not based on
achievement or vision or anything but naked power and fame. And you’re
winning. Isn’t New York a great place?

In the debate with Rick Lazio you sounded a bit tentative. You also
looked a little tight. But then Mr. Lazio did you an enormous favor —
he invaded your personal space with his soft money challenge. Thousands
of women who resent men throwing their weight around did not like that
one bit. And your poll numbers went up. Who could have predicted
that? Not me.

Hollywood is thrilled that you may be the next senator from New York,
Hillary, and this is a good thing for you. The stars provide money,
moral support, and the glamour that the New York press and many voters
can’t get enough of. I mean, Rosie O’Donnell is in heaven! I hope
we’ll be seeing you and your mom on Rosie again soon. I’m sure we won’t
be seeing Rick Lazio and his mom — even though he grew up not too far
away from Rosie on Long Island.

Dave Letterman’s guys wrote you some pretty great material the last
time you visited his program and that was very nifty. You came across
charming and witty. Maybe you really are like that, but how would
anyone know? You never speak spontaneously and you never answer direct
questions on the campaign trail. You have your comments memorized and
the less said about anything else the better.

So I’m liking your chances, Hil. If New Yorkers are for you at this
point after watching you for 16 months then, hey, I think you’ve got it.
Very cleverly you campaigned on the taxpayer’s dime, used the White
House for quid pro quo campaign donations, and somehow convinced the
media to give you an almost free ride. Brilliantly done, Mrs. Clinton,
and a big in-your-face to those who don’t trust or like you.

The Senate will be just great. You’ll vote straight Democratic on
every issue, serve on a few committees, and maybe sponsor some expensive
legislation. I don’t expect to be seeing you in Syracuse or Rochester
too much because you’ll be very, very busy. If Al Gore loses in
November there’s a presidential race just four years hence. And eight
years isn’t that long either. It’s a great life, Hillary, and you’re
just getting going. Please say hello to Bill the next time you see him,
and, if you need a house sitter in Chappaqua, you know I’m available.

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