Memo: To Florida, et al.

From: The Voters

Subject: Our Election

Being as it is already Thanksgiving, the rest of us were wondering if
you’d made any progress on choosing our next president? We don’t want to
hurry you, but we did do our part on Nov. 7.

We understand that you’ve had some problems down there, and we are
concerned. Not panicked — just concerned. We don’t want to appear
impatient, we know that many of you are retired, but we must tell you
that some of the reports coming out of Florida are beginning to alarm
us. Here’s a brief rundown on our thinking. See if you can digest this
between the ham and the turkey, and get back to us before Christmas.

First off, we were under the impression that everyone got just one
chance to vote (except in places like Cook County and other outposts of
the Daley dynasty — you have taken precautions, haven’t you?). That
chance was on Nov. 7, the same day all the rest of us voted. We now hear
numerous reports about certain counties having excessive difficulties
counting their ballots, counting their ballots two, three, and four
times! Really, just how many chances do you give someone to get it right

down there?

As we understand it, the idea behind voting is that each voter makes
his or her selection, in private, away from meddling bureaucrats and
pushy politicians. Therefore — certain reports that we are hearing have
naturally concerned us. It is rumored that your ballot counters have
taken to disregarding what was actually done or not done to the ballot,
and instead have taken to ascertaining the “intent” of the voter! Could
you please explain to us how an election is necessary in the first place
if your election officials can “ascertain the intent” of their voters?
And if that’s the case, then why are you counting the ballots at all?
This does seem to the rest of us like a somewhat reckless disregard for
the voting franchise. We urge you to end this practice immediately, and
to take precautions to protect the public from those engaged in this

While we are on the subject of voter intent, other reports have come
to us from our sons and daughters under arms, protecting our freedom in
other parts of the world, that they have had impediments erected in
their use of the absentee ballot in your state. We pray this is not the
case! How could you allow people in charge of the voting machinery in
your state to do such a thing? And are the reports true that many of
these military ballots have been rejected for lack of a postmark — even
when they were in your hands by the election deadline? These are
alarming charges, and we hope you will act immediately to insure that
all these ballots are accurately counted. And please do leave the intent
to each individual voter.

Indeed, as alarming as these reports have been, they are not really
the worst of it. We understand that hordes of lawyers have now descended
upon Florida courts. At first we thought this might be a convention at
Disney World, and we were actually quite pleased at the prospects for
our holiday season. But now we understand that they are not at Disney
World, but are actually in your courts, arguing over technicalities in
the voting process that could literally decide the election one way or
the other!

Need we remind you that voting is of necessity carried out by voters?
Those are the people who show up at precincts on Nov. 7, you will
recall. They are the ones who are supposed to poke out all those little
chads you seem to be finding in increasing numbers on the counting
floor. Voters vote. Counters count. Please try to keep these jobs
separate. The job of lawyers, judges and courts on the other hand, is to
ascertain the guilt or innocence of those charged with crimes. Are your
voters guilty of crimes? We do not let our felons vote. Are you sure
that little rodent is still confined to Disney World? No matter; just
remember that judges and juries are ill-suited to enter the political
arena, relying on evidence and sound arguments, as they do. Why, if the
courts were to attempt to decide this election based on the truth or
falsehood of the arguments offered, we could be without a president
until Y3K!

Given what we have observed to date, it might be worth asking if you
still have a copy of the owner’s manual (U.S. Constitution) you received
when you were admitted to the Union? If so, please note that there are
three distinctly separate branches of government required in our system:
the executive, the legislature, and the courts. Your attempt to use the
courts to determine how the executive should function is contrary to the
fundamental separation of powers described in that document. We must
tell you that it is destined to produce grievous harm to the vehicle of
democracy if you drive down the road in that manner. Really, it is quite
amazing to us that your best judges (this is your supreme court?) would
allow themselves to be dragged into determining how the votes in certain
counties are to be counted, and that this method could be quite
different from how they are counted in other counties? And this they
regard as
equal protection under the law? If this is correct, just whose idea was
this? Is he or she still there — or have you already taken appropriate

Finally, we (those of us not voting in Florida) do not want to alarm
you, but we are becoming increasingly uneasy at some of the liberties
you have taken with our most sacred democratic institution. We don’t
want to appear dogmatic, but we must remind you of what we said at
first: elections are scheduled to take place on Nov. 7, and we really
cannot permit you to go on like this forever, retired or not.

In fact, we are sorry to tell you, but your election is really a lot
like Humpty Dumpty. It was held on Nov. 7, you’ve made an omelet out of
it, and it really can’t be put back together again. Surely you must
realize that this talk of doing the election over again is not going to
fly with the rest of us? Voters in Florida would not be limited to the
same knowledge that voters elsewhere in the nation had on election
night. Precinct workers would behave differently, get-out-the-vote motor
voters would behave differently, college students voting multiple times
would vote multiples of multiple times, the homeless may well decide
that they need a carton — not just a pack — of cigarettes. Television
news anchors, talk radio hosts, pollsters, commentators, and of course
voters, would all behave differently, whipping not only themselves but
everyone else into a lathered frenzy over the prospect of your electoral

So as one voter to another — we’ve got news for you, Florida: You
had your chance, and we’re sorry you got a cheese omelet when you wanted
sunny side up. But the game has to be played on election night — and
when it comes to chad, we don’t want to know if its pregnant, dimpled,
or all hanging out: just count it all the same way and be done with it!
The rest of us aren’t going to let voters living this close to Disney
and that famous rodent decide who is going to be our next president,
just because they’re chaddingly challenged! So it’s time to take your
judges, your lawyers, your sore loser — and go back home. Next time
when you go to the polls — on election night — think more about what
it means to vote and act more carefully, just like the rest of us who
didn’t fumble the ballot.

We’re sorry to be the ones to have to tell you, but you’re not a
special case, the world doesn’t revolve around you, and the rest of us
are sick of hearing that you’ve run out of recipes for cooking loose
chads. Just tell your judges you’ve read the Constitution — and you’d
appreciate it if they did, too. Send the lawyers to Disney World to
chill out, and tell your loser to put a cork in it. Remember, if we have
to come down there, it ain’t going to be to visit Mickey at the mansion.

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