“South Florida is ground zero for the greatest calamity to befall
mankind since the first law school opened in Europe during the 12th
century, and it’s only going to get worse,” says political pundit Jon
“We’ve only reached Stage 0 of the lawyerclysm,” warns Splatz, with “the next 6 stages still to come.” In Stage 1, Splatz sees the Constitution being rewritten — setting the foundations for the world’s “first lawyerocracy — a nation, under the appropriate Deity of your choice, by the lawyers, for the lawyers, with liberty and justice for all lawyers.”
In Stage 2, the old worry about the “Red Menace” is totally eclipsed by a new uneasiness — “a lawyerism that descends upon the world like a plague of locusts.”
With the number of lawsuits skyrocketing in Stage 3, “it becomes impossible to function in society without joining an LMO (Legal Maintenance Organization)” — without buying mandated insurance against litigiousness. “The poor are unable to afford insurance, but that doesn’t matter, since nobody would want to sue a poor person anyway. Everyone else, however, becomes fair game — and the typical American will devote 95% of his income for insurance premiums and court costs.”
In Stage 4, “lawyers control every aspect of society,” dictating everything from the hotness of coffee to the allowable level of workplace flirting: “It becomes virtually impossible to go through life without speaking to (and giving money to) at least one lawyer per day.”
For anti-military types, the good news comes in Splatz’s Stage 5, with legal violence replacing physical violence: “Lawyercratic countries will replace their military armies with legal armies. The Department of Defense becomes the Department of Litigation — an elite army of attorneys ready to airlift into any foreign nation and bury the opposition under 100 tons of red tape, court filings, and meta-injunctions. Squadrons of soldiers are replaced by ‘Dream Teams.’ While most forms of physical violence cease, the ensuing legal violence is far, far worse — a fleet of lawyers can bring poverty and bankruptcy to billions of innocent civilians within a matter of hours.”
In the end, with lawyers and bankruptcies simultaneously mushrooming, the world economy completely crumples, in Stage 6, under the ever-increasing burden of overlawyering: “Every university in the world becomes a law school. Everybody wants to become an attorney; nobody wants to do anything else. The world economy hits critical mass, and implodes under the weight of the ‘justice’ system. Civilization collapses. The only survivors are a small community of geeks and non-lawyers on the island nation of Humorixia, who wisely decide to make the possession of a law degree a crime punishable by deportation.”
As I file this, Al Gore is still looking for 600 dimples and pimples, O.J. is still looking for the killers and Hollywood has weighed in with a six to six vote. Happy with a Bush victory are Bruce Willis, Bo Derek, Tom Selleck, Loretta Lynn, Ben Stein and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Promising to leave the country are Barbra Streisand, Rosie O’Donnell, Alec Baldwin, Kim Basinger, Matt Damon, and Toe Jam’s Eddie Vedder.
And Al Gore, litigating himself down to a 37 percent approval rating, has proved that not every single thing he said last year was a falsehood. Here’s when he got it right, last December, explaining up front how this year’s campaign was going to go: “I’m not like George Bush. If he wins or loses, life goes on. I’ll do anything to win.”
That vow to “do anything” meant that “every vote must be counted,” by hand, not machines, and only in selected Democratic counties by Democratic canvassing boards — “every vote” except absentee ballots in selected Republican counties and military votes with smudged postmarks.
“I’ll do anything” meant crying about the incorrectness of machine counts while dispatching an army of seasoned operatives to fix the hand recount. Word for word, here’s the instruction to those operatives by a Gore lawyer, as documented by the Los Angeles Times: “We only need 301 votes to win this. It’s very, very important that if you see any kind of mark — a scratch, a dent, a pinprick — in Al Gore’s column, you challenge it.” When asked how they should treat such marks on Bush ballots, the lawyer said, “Keep your lips sealed.”
It’s exactly what Soviet dictator Josef Stalin once explained, a few years before they learned to vote the cemeteries in Chicago: “It’s not the people who vote that count. It’s the people who count the votes.”
And as we’ve seen, “I’ll do anything” meant changing a 10-year-old rule in the middle of a manual recount in Broward County to manufacture more Gore votes, turning Secretary of State Katherine Harris into Linda Tripp, hiring a telemarketing firm to generate complaints about the butterfly ballot, filing countless lawsuits, suing Democratic canvassing boards to force hand recounts, playing the race card, conducting opposition research on delegates to the electoral college and turning a blind eye to the votes of felons (more than 5,000, according to a survey by the Miami Herald).
Here’s how Democrat pollster Pat Cadell sums it up: “I’m a liberal Democrat, but I have to tell you, at this point it’s hard to believe that my party, the party I’ve belonged to since my great-great-grandfather of my family, has become no longer the party of principles, but has been hijacked by a confederacy of gangsters who need to take power by whatever means and whatever canards they can say.”
Ralph R. Reiland, the B. Kenneth Simon Professor of Free Enterprise at Robert Morris College in Pittsburgh, is co-author of “Mom & Pop vs. the Dreambusters.”