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Want to waste three bucks and see the world through the eyes of an annoying, overweight, loudmouth celebrity?

Check out “Rosie,” the latest self-absorbed celebrity magazine — this one by talk-show host and “Editorial Director” Rosie O’Donnell. Trying to appeal to and portray the typical mom, Rosie comes off as a cheap Martha Stewart wannabe, with all the vulgarity she exudes on her TV show. It’s O’Donnell’s manless, frumpy, calorically-challenged reality — the print
version.

Most women who read glossies — like those who subscribed to “Rosie’s” predecessor, “McCall’s” — want glamour, fantasy, fashion and romance. Instead, they get Rosie’s world of garish classlessness, lots of calories and no men.

When O’Donnell announced the formation of “Rosie,” the magazine, in November, she said it would “have a lot more of my annoyingly Democratic political agenda in the middle of it.” Annoying, indeed.

The cover features O’Donnell in a seemingly romantic hug with the only person more annoying than she — “The Nanny” actress, Fran Drescher. Inside, readers get “treated” to features like “Favorite Things: Get-Gorgeous Goodies Madonna Can’t Live Without.” Madonna on Revlon’s Tweezers: “A must for the hairy Italian in me.” More information than I needed. And glamorous, exciting articles like “Say So: Why Can’t They Make Shoes for Big and Beautiful Feet?” And there’s the de rigueur gun control article.

Then, there are the fashion advertisements. No hot, sexy, thin “Victoria’s Secret” models. Instead there are pages of models for plus-size clothing lines and “minimizer” underwear. Gotta love that exercise-challenged “Just My Size” underwear model, grotesque fat
overflowing out of the lime-green stretch-satin bra. “I am voluptuously designed with lingerie to match.” She must eat the many fattening recipes that fill “Rosie,” not to mention emulating “Chuffa Page: Rosie in the Candy Aisle.” What’s “Chuffa”?

Ironically, “McCall’s” was once home to feminist men-haters Betty Friedan, NOW founder Gloria Steinem, and Eleanor Roosevelt. Friedan, originally trashing the magazine and traditional women, in her feminist bible, 1963′s “The Feminine Mystique,” later joined it.

Rosie’s definitely following in Friedan’s footsteps. The only real man in the publication is that hunky, macho cowboy in the “Stetson Cologne” ad. He looks mighty uncomfortable and out of place smothered in “Rosie’s” pages. Unless you count Barry, the guy who’s an accessory to his “partner” in “Between the Covers” — their “assignment from Rosie to
test-drive four sex books.” It figures she wouldn’t pick a married couple. Husbands, committed men, don’t exist in “Rosie.”

And given the hypocrisy underlying this phony magazine, that’s no surprise.

O’Donnell was officially outed as a lesbian in the “Inside Out,” cover story of the March 5 issue of New York Magazine. The article pointed out the media’s hypocrisy on O’Donnell, who on her show talks about her personal life to housewives across America, but in a big white lie, leaves out one huge detail — her girlfriend.

“Take Rosie O’Donnell. The talk-show host regularly regales her viewers with personal tidbits about her children and her home … but she never mentions the woman who shares both her life and her home,” the article said. “When Jack Nicholson shows up at a Lakers game with a date, the columns report it the next day, but when O’Donnell’s blonde friend accompanies her week after week to her box at WNBA games, she turns invisible.”

O’Donnell’s spokeswoman confirmed the details of the New York Magazine article to the New York Daily News, saying that she and her girlfriend “never hide away. Rosie’s sexuality has never been important to her and it’s not going to be now. I don’t think it’s important to her public.”

Oh really?

Would all those housewives across America relate to Rosie and her kids, if they knew she is a lesbian? Not likely. And Rosie knows it. Most Americans remain opposed to gays raising children, and especially — as in O’Donnell’s case — adopting them, while millions of
heterosexual, non-celebrity couples wait in line for years to adopt.

Brill’s Content reports that Rosie and her publisher, G+J USA, want women to think “that O’Donnell embodies what womanhood looks like in 2001.”

“Most women ‘s magazines are not in the new century or not hitting that younger demographic,” she told Brill’s Content. “I knew we had to update it for educated women who want to talk about things other than ’30 Days to Thinner Thighs.’ … If it doesn’t sell, we’re not going to do ‘How to Be Sexy for Your Man.’”

But most younger women do want to get in shape and be sexy for a man, not a lesbian partner like Rosie. She’s not “what womanhood looks like in 2001.” That’s why Shape, Self, and Fitness are best-sellers and will do better than “Rosie.” Count on it.

No, Rosie doesn’t represent the younger, educated woman, and she knows her audience, which would flee in droves from the real, hidden Rosie. That’s why O’Donnell has, indeed, purposefully hidden her lifestyle from her viewers, a calculated lie. Otherwise, she’d talk about it on her show, like she does about the rest of her life. And why did she mention
in her first “From Rosie” letter to readers that she used to read “Tiger Beat”? Lesbians don’t read “Tiger Beat.” It’s for hormonal, heterosexual teen-age girls who want a pinup of their latest teen idol. Ultimately, O’Donnell making herself the focus of and editorial director
of a homemaking magazine for everyday, typical moms — and portraying herself as one — when she is a lesbian, is sheer hypocrisy.

Brill’s claims that with “Rosie,” O’Donnell’s “poised to become a mother figure for the culture at large.” Puh-leeze — they must be seeing the world through Rosie-colored glasses. This ostensibly honest, down-to-earth, so-called “Queen of Nice” is the biggest phony of them all.

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