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If the optimists are right …
Sometime around the year A.D. 3001 the stock market will reach the 10
million mark. It will be a time of great rejoicing as Wall Street celebrates
a 1,000-year bull market. The country will also look back on a thousand
years of uninterrupted peace, thanks to fluffy thinking. Russia and China,
once poor and communist, will be consumer societies led by Newt Gingrich and
Ronald Reagan clones. The Muslim World will have launched their Great Jihad
into outer space, harassing distant unbelieving planets with human bombs and
quotations from the Koran.
Although half America’s work force in 3001 will be employed in hospitals,
post-modern science will have cured cancer and the common cold. (Of course,
cigarette smoking will be punishable by death.) The Bill of Rights will
include over 65 amendments covering the newly acquired rights of cows, pigs,
dogs, sheep, horses and cats. The Beast Rights Voting Act of 2311 will
further assure the humane treatment of animals at the polls. Politicians,
pandering to the animal vote, will make speeches consisting of barks, oinks,
snorts and mooing. (This will be essential to the success of future
In the year 3001 the U.S. population will be thoroughly engrossed in
educational pursuits. The average American will spend 35.5 years in school,
beginning at the age of two months. High school and grade school will be
greatly extended as colleges will merge with pre-schools. Despite this
massive educational program, literacy will disappear and only specialists
will know how to add, subract, multiply and divide. The economy, pumped and
bloated with hot gasses generated from huge fusion-powered machines, will be
based on a four-hour workweek. Voodoo practitioners will lead the nation’s
market analysts in mass prosperity-visualization exercises, paid for by the
Treasury Department and major corporations.
There will be 31,225 television channels in the year 3001, but all
programming will be entertainment. Nobody will be interested in news, since
nothing newsworthy will have occurred for centuries. Educational programming
will also be unknown, thanks to the length of time spent by the population in
state schools. At the turn of the next millennium the average American will
weigh about 512 lbs., have a 75 IQ and enjoy a deliriously happy life – free from serious thought and worry.
Our 234th president, Fernando Hernando Cortez Rodriguez, will be covered with
tattoos. Hundreds of gold and silver rings will pierce his ears, nose,
nipples, eyebrows and lips. His bulky 639 lbs. frame will be topped by a
stylish pink Mohawk. He will preside over 786 government departments minus
the Department of Defense, and he will manage a staff of 780 million federal
employees. He will have a press conference every day at which he will wear a
party hat, blow on a noisemaker, and kiss each member of the press on the
lips (regardless of sex or species).
The United States Congress will be controlled by the Republican Party, which
will be led by a prize-winning hog genetically engineered to be more
intelligent than your average Republican. The Democratic Party will not
exist because the Pervert and Freak Party will have taken over the Democrats’
The U.S. national anthem will no longer be the “Star Spangled Banner.”
Instead, every ball game will begin with the 27th century hit tune “Oooo
Oooo, it feels so good.” The U.S. flag, no longer recognizable by the
public, will be replaced by a light blue banner featuring a gerbil. The
country’s leading cultural figure will be an onanist named Sparky.
All the country’s nuclear weapons will be rusted and forgotten. Nobody will
even remember how to make an atomic bomb, and few scientists will have the
IQ to try. In other countries they will regard us with awe and reverence,
as the foremost models of general obesity and smugness. Even the French will
bow down and worship the great American gut as it hangs majestically over
beltless blue jeans.
The future is truly bright, people, so don’t waste time worrying. Put your
ball cap on backwards, drop your IQ with a regimen of intensive
television-watching, keep eating those chips and drinking that soda.
You’ll reach the 31st century.
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