I thought Joycelyn Elders was long gone as surgeon general. Then came the report on sexuality last week by Surgeon General David Satcher.

Here we go, again. It’s like d?j? vu. Only the names and faces change.

Specifically, what is shocking about this report is its unfounded conclusions that homosexuality is an unchangeable condition and that abstinence programs in schools are ineffective.

Beyond that, and perhaps even more significant, is that there’s one dynamic of sexual relationships Satcher scarcely recognizes – marriage.

There was one other stunner in this report. Satcher, a Clinton appointee whose term as surgeon general expires in February, says “sexuality education” should begin early and be available throughout one’s life. So, not only does our “top doc” think pre-school is the appropriate place to begin teaching kids about sex, he also thinks the government should teach parents and grandparents about it throughout the course of their lives.

This is amazing to me.

What Satcher advocates is nothing short of government establishment of religion by fiat. Satcher, and, by default, the Bush administration, if it doesn’t sack Satcher following this embarrassing report, are advocating the lifelong promotion of a value-less approach to sex education – one that begins at the earliest age and continues to indoctrinate adults forever.

What am I missing here?

Now, we know this report was intentionally held up for release during the Clinton administration because the sex-obsessed president didn’t want to face embarrassing questions about a government sex report. But if the government responsible for this report can’t bring under control the glands of its own top executive, what moral authority does it have preaching to millions of taxpaying Americans who are not promiscuous?

The answer, of course, is none.

Which is why George W. Bush should not wait until February to replace Satcher. He should show him the door, right now. This man should not be allowed into another Cabinet meeting. He should be sent packing. He should be instructed to take his report with him and stick it where the sun don’t shine. If he needs more explicit instructions, he should consult his predecessor, who would, no doubt, be only too happy to demonstrate the technique just as she made cucumbers disappear in condoms before schoolchildren during her tenure as surgeon general.

But before Satcher goes, I would very much like to hear his explanation of how hundreds of thousands of homosexuals have gone straight, become heterosexual, even gotten married and had children. How does he reconcile his conclusion that homosexuals cannot change when so many actually have?

I’d very much like an answer to that question. I wonder why no one in the press bothered to ask.

And why is marriage less than an afterthought in this report on sexuality? Why is there more focus on supposed bigotry against homosexuals than there is on the civilizing role marriage plays in societies?

Now, many of you out there are going to think I’m just being intolerant of alternate lifestyles and a prude. I can see the letters coming already. But the truth is reports like the “call to action” drafted by Satcher have one objective and one objective only – to further empower government in our lives. Period. End of story.

That’s the goal. It always is. Understand this each and every time you read a new report from government about how stupid you are – how backward, how much training you need, how much hand-holding you require, how you don’t understand your own impulses and anatomy.

That’s what it’s all about. Control. Power. Loss of freedom.

You see, you people are just animals – and you need to be herded and corralled and domesticated and then put to work for the benefit of your master. That’s the attitude of the people who craft these research papers. You are helpless without the government’s guidance and wisdom and coaching.

Why, you and your kids are so stupid you couldn’t even figure out how to use a condom without repeated and graphic lessons during school.

Are you just a little insulted by this condescending, patronizing attitude, America? I hope so. And I hope you will let President Bush know that, even though he didn’t appoint Satcher, he is tolerating him.

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