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Given the left’s belief in the paramount nature of group identity and the information which is beginning to leak out about D.C. snipers John Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, I don’t think it’s too soon to begin speculating about why the media has been downplaying the nature of the relationship between the two snipers, as well as their religious affiliation. Is Tom Brokaw a closet member of the Nation of Islam? Does Peter Jennings regularly “work out” at the YMCA with his “step-son”? And does Dan Rather look saucy in a burkha, or what?


I find Nancy Pelosi rather attractive. This disturbs me, on several levels.


I can’t think of a situation in which a Public Enemy quote is inappropriate. And is it possible to open an official-looking letter without saying “I got a letter from the government the other day …” in your best Chuck D voice?


I am no Republican. I think it’s a party of shameless political whores who have shown time and time again that they have no intention of living up to their professed ideals. But, man, seeing the Democrats get spanked like that still puts a little spring in my step.


We finally have an official number on the percentage of complete and utter idiots in a given society – 21.35 percent. That’s the percentage of Oregon voters who supported Measure 23, an idea so ludicrous that I thought it was an advertisement for Bad Ideas Jeans. Yeah, we’ll have the government pay for all health care, including massage and aromatherapy, jack the state income tax up to 17 percent to pay for it, and you only have to sign a piece of paper to qualify for it all. How many doctors would remain in Oregon – six, maybe seven? But, hey, free scented candles!


If an Islamic judge has declared a fatwa against Jerry Falwell and Franklin Graham, does that mean the reverends have an open season on Muslims now themselves? How does this work?


I don’t have a cute and alliterative name for this column, but if I did, I think I’d call it Defending the Mike. Then again, considering how many times I get asked about being down with Madden, approximately seven people would recognize the reference. How is it that you all can correct me on the minutiae of U.S. Code sections and the proper numbering of the Crusades, but know so little about your own culture? Consider yourself assigned to five hours of SportCenter this week.


If you know enough Latin to have an opinion on my name, you should know enough Roman history to know that it is not blasphemous … unless, of course, you happen to worship Nike or Jove, in which case you have a point.


I think it’s funny that people who dislike homeschooling will write in to tell me an anecdote about a dysfunctional homeschooler they once met. Like it would take more than five minutes to find 100 dysfunctional kids at a single public school. Fifteen minutes, max, to score some ganja or a girl ready to go.


On a related matter, lack of socialization is the bugaboo of the anti-homeschooler. Of course, socialization during my high-school years largely consisted of learning how to be cruel to others, valuing the judgment of one’s peers in the place of one’s elders and improving one’s sexual technique. So, if you’re really concerned that your homeschooled child lacks socialization, a rigorous schedule of Vivid films and Nietzsche should set them straight in no time.


I am extremely confused by the way that the media is reporting on the current war with Iraq. Over a month ago, I noted that Turkish armored divisions had invaded Northern Iraq and were holding some 15 percent of the country. This weekend, Debka has reported that U.S. Special Forces, in company with elite British and Iranian military units, are fighting Iraqi forces in Southern Iraq in an attempt to gain control over the Euphrates River crossings. Combined with the training exercises in Jordan, this means that Hussein’s main forces will soon be completely surrounded … which is a very strange situation for a war that supposedly hasn’t started yet.

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