If Hillary Clinton decides to seek her party’s nomination to run for president, like it or not, she will be the nominee. People often run in fear and loathing at the mere mention of the name of the woman whose personality warms and comforts them like a handful of refrigerated ball bearings down their pants, but let’s face it: If you’re a Republican, this is great news. The nomination of Hillary Clinton would be the best thing the Democrats have done for this country since recommending the sterilization of Billy Carter.

In the 2002 elections, many Democrats had Republican itching powder put in their political jock strap. They were livid, and as soon as they finished scratching, they were seeking a warm spritz, a positive spin on the whole election debacle – and vengeance.

The beauty of Democrat politicians is in the fact that they never realize, or at least admit, why they lost. A good Republican can get whipped in an election and honestly say to himself, “How was I supposed to know she wasn’t 18 and her father was the chief of police?” With Democrats, it’s different. When they lose, the blame lies outside themselves. It most certainly can’t be due to crooked dealings, antiquated and discredited ideals, or claiming to champion minority causes while a “First Place – Potato Sack Race” trophy from the Ku Klux Klan’s father-son picnic sits on a shelf in their office. The usual conclusion is that they weren’t adequately separated from their opponent, which will require a step (or 20) to the left. Enter Hillary Clinton.

In one aspect, Hillary is your average Democrat. She claims to represent the “common people,” the downtrodden and the losers in the lottery of life. Many politicians hang 10 on that “serf” board, until waves of logic crash upon them, wiping them out. In the case of Hillary and her licentious, zipper-eroded husband, if they wanted to represent the downtrodden, poor and penniless bottom-enders, why the need to move out of Arkansas?

Illogic aside, it’s in the interest of the Republicans right now to make Hillary look as good as possible. She’s the leading candidate for her party’s nomination, and they must see to it that her momentum carries through to the convention. If you’re one who cringes at the hideous “nails on chalkboard” shrieky condescension of Queen Carpetbagger, suck it up and sing her praises. Hillary must be the nominee to ensure a Republican victory.

Stop bellyaching about the fact that she made an illegal fortune insider trading cattle futures. Just view it as a case of, as they say, “bovine intervention.” Forget that she and Vince Foster carried the attorney-client privilege to the point of backseat tickle-fights and clasp fumbling, and he was later found dead while Hillary and her accomplices rifled his office so severely that investigators falsely assumed that Guns N’ Roses had spent the night there. Whitewater? Hey, shafting people in land deals is the American way, buddy, and so is stealing silverware.

She has a number of other positives. From the looks of things, she regularly beat her husband, who was partially shielded from any direct blows by all the monkeys on his back. Hillary also played a pivotal role in making her brother Hugh, the perpetually scheming gravy boat with a law degree, pay back $400,000 in fees for presidential pardon work. Hugh later apologized to her for getting caught.

With a little help from her enemies, Hillary will be the Democrats’ candidate. The nominee won’t be Daschle. They know that a guy who cries because Rush Limbaugh consistently beats him like a Bangkok circus elephant gives the appearance of running, not confronting on an ideological level. John Kerry will miss the convention because he’ll be at the hair stylist. Joe Lieberman will fall victim to the “Muppet Factor,” meaning that it’s virtually impossible to become president if you look like something that crawled out from under Fraggle Rock. Others are engaged in a futile “exploratory process,” which, fittingly, sounds like a procedure involving your colon. Sorry, fellas, but 2004 is Hillary’s year – until Election Day.

By the time the morning after the election rolls around, we’ll have seen candidate Hillary Clinton go down to defeat in resounding fashion. The Democrats, reeling from another beating which will have rendered them the Jerry Quarry of political parties, will falsely assume they need to move further to the left, and dig themselves deeper into political oblivion. When your opponents want to dig their own grave, help them find a shovel.

That shovel looks a lot like Hillary Rodham Clinton.

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