Did you know that the United States is actually composed of 51 states? I was surprised too, but recent news reports confirm it. More Americans live in the state “Permanent Offendus” than any other state.

Granted, the state of Permanent Offendus doesn’t show up on any map, but it should. They have their own state laws, their own federal representatives, their own public-relations spokespersons. And most importantly, many of the residents there get your tax dollars to support their political party, which is named, appropriately, the Pity Party.

Did I mention the state of Permanent Offendus has only one political party? It’s true. Actually it’s a requirement – a government mandate if you will. Everyone who resides in the state of Permanent Offendus is automatically enrolled as a member of the Pity Party. There is no political disagreement within state borders or party circles. That’s because everyone who calls Permanent Offendus “home” is agreed that all of their problems are caused by residents of the other 50 states of America.

Permanent Offendus residents and members of the Pity Party are remarkable for their compassion. Because the cause of another member’s suffering is always someone outside of the state of Permanent Offendus (and certainly not a party member), there is nearly a stampede to comfort anyone who is offended, either in word or deed, by nonresidents.

This compassion makes for some interesting bedfellows. We see anarchists (who believe in no government) marching hand-in-hand and breaking Ronald McDonald’s windows in solidarity with socialists and communists (who believe no government can be too big or all-consuming). We see feminists who decry domestic violence marching in support of women who have killed their children in the home. The same individuals who defend the state’s abortion clinics regularly petition the government for abolition of the death penalty over its “inhumaneness.”

Religion in the great and growing state of Permanent Offendus is confusing. Residents are adamant that no vestige of Christianity should clutter the state’s common areas and so give the impression that the state in any way supports that religion. Some residents have spent vast sums of their own money on lawyers to assure this outcome. At the same time, many residents support Islam, which demands that it be the state religion. Members of the Christian clergy, whose job it is to preach against sin and perversion and guide people into God’s will, are instead clamoring to perform homosexual “unions” and demanding their congregations be “tolerant” of affairs the Almighty has already condemned. Boy Scout officials within the state of Permanent Offendus are rushing to provide homosexual leaders to young scouts, while expressing outrage that homosexual priests have abused altar boys under their care.

Politics is equally confusing. Black folks whose ancestors were victims of slavery demand that today’s progeny be placed into slavery to pay “reparations” to all those who have never experienced slavery. All those who would be placed into slavery in the state of Permanent Offendus are in agreement that such a law should be passed, but few of them work or pay taxes. Emergency room physicians lobby for increased “free” health care while their union demands member doctors be paid more. Illegal immigrants who have of late overrun the residents of Permanent Offendus demand all the benefits of citizenship in return for their skill in sneaking across the border, then demand those who sold them their false documents and trucked them into the state of Permanent Offendus be held accountable. Ranchers who shooed them off private property must be punished. Free education provided in the illegals’ own language is required.

But a funny thing has happened as I toured the great and growing state of Permanent Offendus: I’ve developed a fondness for its unity and compassion. After all, I’m offended by a lot of things, too. Wouldn’t it be nice to have some sympathy and supporters to help with the chips I’ve been carrying around on my shoulder? Yet I confess to the nagging suspicion that it’s all too good to be true. For if the Pity Party ever were to be elected again, they would have to satisfy an endless stream of conflicting demands from Permanent Offendus residents that would make the Mideast seem like a neighborhood sandbox. So I guess I’ll tough it out as an occasional visitor and content myself with the real freedoms that America still offers in those other 50 states.

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