TO: Coalition of the Willing to Continue Believing Me
FROM: POTUS, Oval Office
RE: War on Terrorism

The following claims are true, for I am George W. Bush, compassionate, honorable, decent, born-again and completely without guile.

1. We had to invade Iraq, or else this time we would have woken up to a mushroom cloud and not just a few burning buildings. Don’t believe those hand-wringers and nay-sayers who say there were no WMDs. The same people think those two rusty trailers we found over there are just two rusty trailers.

2. We have to occupy Iraq because the Iraqi people love America and how we’ve separated religion and state. They are begging us to tell them how to run their government.

3. Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are old pals. In fact, reliable Iraqi defectors say they have photos somewhere of Saddam at one of Osama’s weddings – and they’re definitely not forgeries (though they say their faces are kind of smudgy).

4. Saddam Hussein is a brutal tyrant who gasses his own people, harbors and supports terrorists, threatens world peace and even occasionally engages in cannibalism, according to two reliable Iraqi defectors who showed Wolfowitz the tooth marks.

5. Yeah, he may still be alive, but this was not about one man.

6. Osama bin Laden is anywhere but in Pakistan, and if he is there, even though he’s not, the Pakistani military is hunting him down in those northern badlands where he could be, but isn’t; and it wouldn’t really matter if he is hiding out there, and still calling the shots, because the war on terror isn’t about just one man, dead or alive (did I actually say that?).

7. We can trust Pakistan to do our fighting for us, because it hates Osama as much as we do. (Musharraf told me so after we bought him off to do the pipelines.)

8. Pakistan is our friend, and its military intelligence had nothing to do with 9-11.

9. Saudi Arabia is also our friend, and it had nothing to do with 9-11, either.

10. It’s Iran that’s the problem. Shiites or not, they’re joined at the hip with al-Qaida, our reliable Iranian defectors assure Zal and Rummie.

11. And we also know from our informants there that Tehran is on the verge of possibly coming into possession of nuclear fuel that could be turned into weapons-grade uranium for nuclear warheads that might be attached to a long-range missile of some kind that could be deployable at some point and one day threaten American interests somewhere in the world if we don’t act fast.

12. Withholding the 9-11 report has nothing to do with protecting the Saudi royal family … or my family interests.

13. Withholding the dossier on Iraq is an issue of national security. We will cooperate with any and all investigations. Let not your hearts be troubled.

14. Oh, and withholding the list of White House energy task-force members is merely an issue of executive privilege.

15. Regime change in North Korea and Cuba can wait.

16. Our war strategy has nothing to do with oil.

Scout’s honor.

Previous columns:

A very curious war indeed

The folly of ‘liberating’ Muslims

Saddam bin Laden

The Iraq echo chamber

While Nero fiddled in Baghdad …

The royal families

Yellow is for politics

My picnic with Bill

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