Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns contain satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
“Viva! Viva California!”
With those words last week, Gov. Gray Davis launched operation “Please Don’t Fire Me.”
His speech opening his anti-recall campaign was short, and its complete text has been available at a number of sites on the Internet, so you may have read it.
However, it begs for translation and interpretation, which we happily provide below, in italics:
“Viva! Viva California!”
That ought to nail the Hispanic vote.
“I came here tonight to take responsibility …”
… and pass it on to the Republican Party.
“My friends, last Friday, 50 million Americans lost power for 29 hours. In California, not a single light has gone out in the last two years.”
Never mind that the East’s blackout was nothing like our power-shortages. I made sure the lights would stay on by jumping into overpriced, long-term contracts.
“If any of the Republicans in this recall campaign criticize the way we dealt with the energy crisis, you ask them specifically what they would have done to keep the lights on.”
Maybe nobody will notice Republicans have been providing specifics since the day the lights went out.
The budget is “the best we could do given the position of Republican legislators who would not compromise and who wanted to strip away health-insurance benefits from 400,000 children of working parents rather than increase taxes on the wealthiest Californians.”
You know – any Californians who earn enough to pay taxes.
“Forty-six other states are facing similar [deficit] problems.”
Similar the way a mouse and a lion are similar. They’re both mammals.
“I have been working with Democratic legislators in Sacramento to pass the toughest financial privacy law in America.”
The bill didn’t pass until it was clear a people’s initiative would put a tougher measure on the ballot – but it passed on my watch.
There has been “dramatic improvement in student test scores for the fifth year in a row.”
Wow! Thirty-five percent of our students tested at grade level!
“The recall … is part of an ongoing national effort to steal elections Republicans cannot win. It started with the impeachment of President Clinton … It continued in Florida where they stopped the vote count, depriving thousands of Americans of the right to vote. This year they’re trying to steal congressional seats in Colorado and Texas, overturning legal redistricting plans.”
Goebbels would be SO proud of me!
The recall is “undemocratic.”
Did I really say that?
“I am going to fight this recall and the right-wing forces behind it.”
Including my turncoat lieutenant governor and 40 percent of Democrats.
“… the Republicans wanted to kick 110,000 out of kindergarten …”
… saving money by raising the kindergarten age a couple of months and letting kids stay home a bit longer.
“… I’ve signed some of the toughest environmental laws in America over the last five years …”
… and the flight of business and jobs from California proves it.
“Now let me speak about another issue that will be on the ballot, Proposition 54. Proposition 54 is another Republican effort to divide Californians over race …”
… by stopping us from collecting the data that divide Californians by race.
“God bless you, and God bless America.”
I know SOME voters go to church.
There it is, folks. You may argue that Mr. Davis is given to prevarication, but, for now, let us be more charitable. The man is delusional.