Dennis Miller

During an appearance on last night’s “Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” comedian Dennis Miller unleashed a torrent of political humor aimed at Democrats who he says “are going to hell in a handbasket.”

Miller commenced with comments about California Gov. Gray Davis:

  • “Good guy, just a bad governor. The only thing I have against Gray Davis is, you know, let’s face facts. California is circling the crapper at the speed of light. The deficit doesn’t even bother me that much. … They talk about us owing like $400 billion or something. I always think, ‘Do we actually owe somebody that?’ And if we do, you know, don’t pay ’em. Nobody pays us! There ya go, I just solved the deficit.”

    On national politics and the Democratic debates:

  • “Those are frightening affairs. That is such an empty-headed scrum those Democratic debates. I tune in, you see all nine of them together, it’s like a Pez-dispenser s?ance.”

  • “Dick Gephardt. Most politicians are transparent, this guy’s literally translucent. I sometimes think I can see Janet Leigh showering on the other side of him.”

  • “Joe Lieberman. I never thought you’d hear this coming out my piehole, but he’s no Gore.”

  • “Al Sharpton’s ramblings have gone so far afield now, somebody’s gonna have to install an On-Star button in the middle of his forehead.”

    Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.

  • “You know all the Democrats are going to hell in a handbasket. Now they got [California’s] Nancy Pelosi. … You ever see she has that pop-eyed look all the time? I always thought she might be hyper-thyroid, but then I heard her speak a couple times. She’s stupid! The reason her eyes are so wide is that she’s as shocked as we are that she made it that high!”

  • “Robert Byrd, this guy stands there and lectures Bush in the well of the Senate. He was in the Ku Klux Klan! He’s demented. You know this guy’s burning the cross at both ends! And you know something, if Robert Byrd were your grandfather and he came to Thanksgiving dinner and went off one of these demented screeds, everybody would sit there smiling at him, and as soon as he left the room, somebody’d say, ‘Hey, what the hell are we gonna do about grandpa?'”

  • “And the Clintons won’t shut up. If that marriage were any more about convenience, they’d have to install a Slim-Jim rack and a Slurpee machine at the base of the bed. [Hillary] jumps on every opportunity to take a shot at Bush. They have a blackout in New York, she starts blaming it on Bush. You know, this woman doesn’t miss a trick – unless it’s the one her old man’s with on any given night.”

    Miller announced he’d be voting for Arnold Schwarzenegger in the California recall election. He says Schwarzenegger’s resume is filled with success, reaching the zenith in his bodybuilding and acting careers, even though he pronounces the state of “California” as if it were an alien planet in “Star Wars” movies.

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