I feel bad for Steve Bartman, the Cubs fan who tried to snare a ball that outfielder Moises Alou probably would have caught. Fans were furious, police had to take Bartman below, change him like Cher backstage between songs, and get him out before angry fans pummeled him into the likeness of the late great Harry Carey. Bartman may be the current villain in the Windy City, but if he'd do something similar in the world of national politics, he'd be a hero to many of us.
Let's send Steve Bartman to Washington, D.C., a place where he will not be vilified for interference, but celebrated for it. A place where he won't have to wear a wig and fake mustache when going to the grocery store with his new roommates, Salman Rushdie and Joe Hazelwood. Washington needs Steve Bartman.
For example, Bartman could interfere with the fiasco about taking the words "under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance, on which the Supreme Court will eventually rule. In the big historic picture, it's not that important of a play, but it would still be nice to have Bartman there to slap the ball out of any judge's mitt.
To put things into perspective, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge in 1954. That means that for the preceding 178 years, citizens of the United States were pretty much a solidly religious people who threw the Brits out on their powdered wigs, freed slaves, cured diseases, kicked butt in two world wars, learned to fly and enjoyed six years of "Howdy Doody" before it was decided to give atheists the trots by adding "under God" to the Pledge. We did pretty well without it in there. But that's all water under a theological bridge. It's there now, and Steve Bartman would be good at interfering with the attempt to get rid of it.
When Ted Kennedy is playing in the senatorial outfield, and trying to prevent President Bush from hitting one out of the park by calling the war in Iraq a "fraud," Bartman could be there to grab the ball from Kennedy just before he bangs into the wall, freaking out seismologists as far away as Taiwan. When Kennedy voices concern for what he considers a miserable economy (which, in Ted's case, is sort of like a Menendez brother whining about being an orphan) Bartman would be waiting on the warning track to break up that play as well, along with a flask or two.
At press conferences, Bartman could interfere with Helen Thomas, the only reporter I suspect to have been created in the basement of Jim Henson, and a woman who has carried a grudge with presidents ever since Warren G. Harding told her, "Your money's on the hamper ... now beat it!" Thomas' questions have now all morphed into one big noisy reminder of your great-grandmother beating on the bathroom door asking what you've been doing in there for so long. It's time for Bartman to pop the ball out of her glove and send her on her way.
When the press interviews retired generals, some of whom have castigated the administration's strategies for the war on terrorism, they listen intently and nod in agreement. Then, when they find one like Gen. Boykin, who said this is a Christian nation and believes his commander in chief was put there "by God ... for this reason," and that this is a war against Satan, this is reported by some as a treasonous bashing of Islam. "Steve Bartman, please report to your seat in the left-field media section with your headphones, hat and grabby hands please."
Bartman could also be there to interfere with John Kerry, the compassionate Democratic senator who said that, if he's president, the nation could either follow his prescription-drug program, or hire Rush Limbaugh's maid. I guess Kerry's maid isn't available and, besides, she'd only be packing styling mousse. Fortunately for John Kerry, Steve Bartman won't need to interfere with his plans for the economy. Sen. Kerry will use all of his personal experience in formulating his economic recovery plan for the nation. This, of course, will mean that, if Kerry's elected president, we'll all have to get in line to marry Teresa Heinz. The recovery could take a while.
We know that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush has offered Mr. Bartman asylum in Florida, but if Steve really wants to make it up to Cub fans – all while helping the nation – he'll go to Washington, D.C., and do the exact same thing he did in the eighth inning of game six of the NLCS.