Remember those “cutest couple” votes in high school? It was always some super-jock paired with the perennially perky cheerleader. Well, if same-sex marriage is legalized, the new winners will probably be two super-jocks, Josh and Matt, who’ve been going out since seventh grade.

Dating will become a whole new game.

Josh and Matt will probably garner the sympathy vote because they lost out at homecoming to “queen” and “queen” Megan and Katie, both bisexuals. It won’t bother these girls to parade arm in arm across the football field. They’ll be attracted to each other anyway, after hooking up at several parties. Three other members of the homecoming court will be transvestites.

Football will become, of course, a co-ed sport. The law allowing same-sex marriage will prompt the school board – after consultation with the well-heeled American Civil Liberties Union – to open up all sports to both sexes in the name of gender non-discrimination. This year’s starting quarterback will be Heather, now 17 and 5’10,” having been raised by her two mommies who cheer proudly from the sidelines. Heather’s been taking hormone injections since she was 10 when her mothers, in consultation with medical experts, decided she was a guy born into a girl’s body.

The team has a new, cooperative attitude since Jim, the football coach of 20 years who took the team to numerous state championships, was fired when he shouted at one of the new female players. The discrimination suit against him may cripple him financially for life, but sacrifice is part of the cost of revolution. The school is interviewing several possible candidates as his replacement, among them two lesbians.

Such will be the climate in high schools in the new America, where boys will not be allowed to be boys unless the school’s attorneys say it doesn’t violate the newly-discerned “rights” of someone else. With same-sex dating an accepted fact of life, homophobia will be defined as even a raised eyebrow of objection to the new regime. So open, aggressive ogling and come-ons will be the daily locker-room life of every boy who takes gym. But many guys will adjust after sitting through countless hours of classroom indoctrination about how sex and gender are just biological accidents that savvy humans can mold and shape however we want.

For those girls who aren’t trying to grow beards and get tax-funded mastectomies in middle school, many will grow up having comfortably experimented with lesbian sex at sleepovers or at camp, often as early as nine or 10. After all, between girls there’s no worry about pregnancy, and new research published by the American Psychological Association will surely determine that, in order for children to identify their orientation, “sex play” needs to begin around puberty. Many girls will have a whole array of girlfriends with whom they’ve had sexual contact by the time they are 13 or 14.

Likewise, boys who “liked” each other at age eight may have healthy sexual encounters together, aided by porn videos that the American Library Association sued to make available in every library. To deny this would be to discriminate against the expression of their orientation and “normal” same-sex dating behaviors. With no sexually transmitted diseases in the young and innocent, public-health experts can see no reason why parents shouldn’t allow this mutual masturbation as a healthy outlet. Just because a camp counselor may often watch them doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him, either. He may have valuable advice to give them as a fully adjusted “gay” man.

When Josh and Matt began seeing each other as a couple in middle school, it took some time for their parents to realize it’s OK for them to spend the night together in Matt’s bedroom. After all, dating is different for same-sex couples. They know how to be “safe” together. Another guy couple they know – Kyle and Brian – will break up when 15-year-old Brian begins to date a 25-year-old neighbor.

That will be OK once age-of-consent laws for same-sex relationships are eliminated. After all, when pregnancy isn’t an issue, there’s no risk as long as “safe” gay sex is practiced, a subject which will consume considerable more time in health education classes. It would be discriminatory to deny someone the opportunity to engage in customary courtship behavior, just as people have down through the ages. And for same-sex couples to date, age shouldn’t be a barrier. After all, no one picks who they fall in “love” with. Fortunately, there will be enlightened judges who’ll see the rationale here.

Like other public schools, rumor will have it that there was a mass exodus from this high school after the legalization of same-sex marriage. The figure will be as high as 50 percent in some districts. However, such actions would be pointless, since the Supreme Court will soon rule that only faiths that don’t preach “hate” qualify for constitutional protection, tax-free status or school charters. So religious schools and home-schoolers will have to demonstrate that tolerance teaching has been absorbed adequately and that these students’ homes don’t foster homophobia.

Of course, a few loose ends still need to be tied up. Adam, a 29-year-old young man dying of AIDS, attended this high school. It was at a meeting of the school’s gay-straight alliance club years ago that he met Stuart, an older man who was the openly homosexual guest speaker. A sexual relationship began without the knowledge of Adam’s parents. Adam was 15 at the time, and Stuart was HIV positive. Stuart died several years ago. Adam has since left homosexuality, but could not leave the consequences. The school had been advised by the National Education Association and other powerful groups not to tell him or any other student that many people leave homosexuality, so Adam was ignorant about this option.

The lawsuit Adam will file against the school and its board members, individually and collectively, will probably go nowhere. No judge will believe him when he says he was never homosexual in the first place and that none of this needed to happen. After all, everyone knows homosexuals are born that way and no young person can be seduced into the lifestyle.

The latest statistics will show that 40 percent of the population is “gay,” lesbian, bisexual or transgendered. And we all know that statistics don’t lie.


Linda Harvey is president of Mission America, a pro-family organization which monitors homosexual activism in youth culture.

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