Whereas the wearing of unseasonal or inappropriate clothing can be reasonably expected to have lethal consequences in light of the London subway bombings;
And whereas the federal government authorities have deemed it necessary to the security of the national air transport system to thoroughly scan, search and even strip-search passengers prior to airplane embarkation;
And whereas metropolitan officials have decided that the safety of major municipalities is dependent upon the ability of the police to randomly search persons who offer their consent;
And whereas failing to offer consent to be searched is tantamount to providing reasonable suspicion requiring an invasive personal search;
And whereas the pending renewal of the Patriot Act provisions originally intended to expire indicates that individual privacy is not only no longer a natural right, but a serious threat to the continued existence of the nation;
And whereas many state governments have already been deprived of taxes on certain items that are commonly designated tax-free;
And whereas it is unusually hot this summer;
And whereas the general consensus of scientists quoted in the mainstream media is that the global warming phenomenon is unlikely to stop anytime soon;
And whereas modern plastic surgery allows for the ready modification of the insufficiently attractive;
And whereas the entire pool of international fashion designers have clearly and collectively gone off the deep end;
And whereas the massive financial success of the porn industry indicates that we the people enjoy few things as much as looking at massive quantities of uncovered flesh;
Let it be proposed, therefore, that the citizens of this great nation return to their natural state. That is to say, eliminate the business suit in favor of the birthday suit. Nude in the air is tough on terror. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can take off for your country. We have nothing to fear, but modesty itself.
For it seems eminently clear that what is required to end this lengthy War on Terror is a constitutional amendment banning all clothing in public places. Think of the immeasurable benefits! No terrorist will ever conceal a box-cutter, much less a suicide bomb vest, ever again. Families will reduce their household spending by the average of 5 percent that is currently wasted on clothing. Massive amounts of energy now wasted on air conditioning will be saved. Best of all, no man will ever be forced to undress another woman with his eyes again.
True, this natural step toward national nudism will not come without a serious cost. Seeing Ted Kennedy or Hillary Clinton standing naked on the floor of the Senate will be hard on everyone. But at least the 61 percent of the adult populace who is overweight will be given additional motivation to lose weight, and I am certain that the American people, in their infinite wisdom, will soon see fit to elect better-looking representatives with more attractive bodies.
As the Patriot Act pushers repeatedly tell us, if you’re not doing anything wrong, you don’t have anything to hide. So, get naked for your country, now!