The Bay Area Center for Voting Research in California recently examined voting patterns in 237 cities with populations over 100,000, and Detroit, Michigan was ranked as the most liberal city in the nation. Discovering that one of the worst run cities in the United States is also the most liberal is as shocking as watching the sun rise in the east.

Coming in second was Gary, Ind. – which is one of the few cities you can find purely by smell. The third and fourth most liberal cities are Berkeley, Calif., and Washington, D.C. – not coincidentally, Berkeley is where they teach you how to create a city like Detroit, and Washington, D.C., is where it’s put into practice.

These places are what happens when liberal theory, brought forth by people I like to call “socially pesky,” runs amok, creating an “Area 51” of failed policies that are alien to common sense.

In chapter 11 of my new book, “‘Because That’s the Way God Decided to Do It!’ – A Conservative Father Fields Confusing Questions from His Confused Kids About a Confusing World,” I’ve addressed what happens when even small towns are infiltrated by these “socially pesky.” In this case, via an accidental spill. Here’s how cities like Detroit are born:


A train carrying hundreds of Socially Pesky through Iowa derails, spilling its nosy, well-intentioned liberal cargo near a small town called Happy, Iowa …

Within minutes, a stiff breeze bringing with it the scent of power and money has carried the Socially Pesky hundreds of yards into town. In less than a half an hour, The Spill has gone into several of the town’s shops and noticed a distinct lack of minority-owned businesses. By the time FEMA can be notified, The Spill has already begun protesting the low wages made by Fannie, a waitress at “Chuck’s Eats.”

Other spilled Socially Pesky have already made their way into the office of Happy’s mayor, demanding an increase in the minimum wage so Fannie can afford dental work. The Spill then federalizes the mayor’s office and increases the minimum wage. The Spill then raises taxes, and Fannie takes home less money than before. Fannie becomes depressed, but then The Spill raises taxes on “Chuck’s Eats” to pay for Fannie’s psychologist and “free” prescription drugs.

“Chuck’s Eats” goes out of business. Fannie is out of work, but thanks to The Spill, not out of taxpayer supplied Zanax. Mercilessly, the Socially Pesky move on.

Before there is time to evacuate the students at nearby Happy High School, The Spill has already made its way inside, begun abortion counseling, and changed the school’s mascot from a hatchet-wielding Indian to “Wheezy Pacifist Pete,” an endangered anti-war humpback whale with exercise-induced asthma.

There’s no stopping it now. Spreading quickly, The Spill moves on to the courthouse, where it removes a plaque displaying the Ten Commandments and replaces it with a chart showing the fat content of a Krispy Kreme donut, which were sold at the shop across the street until being forced out of business after The Spill sued them and other “big doughnut” corporations for peddling an unhealthy product.

Within hours, the Socially Pesky have completely overtaken the town, forcing the residents to lock themselves in their homes after hearing that several convicted sex offenders and violent criminals were released from a nearby state prison because police didn’t read them their Miranda rights with an Iowa twang.

Taxes are raised to pay for the construction of several new homeless shelters. When The Spill is informed that Happy doesn’t have any homeless besides Fannie, The Spill doubles property taxes to create some so the shelters don’t go to waste. The Spill has now, in its mind, established fiscal responsibility.

The Socially Pesky spill now sets its sights on self-esteem issues. Thinking that the name of “Happy” is insensitive to the unhappy, it is determined that the town is to be renamed by a committee to be appointed by a panel of roundtable experts from an as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task forces.

Within a few weeks, The Spill leaves the city of “The town that is to be renamed by a committee to be appointed by a panel of roundtable experts from an as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task forces,” a shell of its former self. The area is now a smoldering cesspool of drugs, corruption, disease, poverty, and gerrymandered districts.

The Socially Pesky spill is then picked up by a strong breeze, and wafts over to the next city, beaming with pride in the knowledge that it has helped yet another town become a nicer place to live.

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