Prince Charles: “The United States is too confrontational.”

United States: “Get a job, jug ears.”

That’s one scenario of how the prince’s “bring the religions together” trip to the United States could unfold if he visits certain areas.

Prince Charles is going to visit the United States for eight days to plead the cause of Islam because he thinks the United States has been too intolerant of the religion since Sept. 11. Will Charles then visit Indonesia to tell Muslims in that nation to be more tolerant of Christians? Not unless he wants to spend a most painful day having a proctologist retrieve his kilt and polo mallet.

Is Charles right? Is the United States intolerant of Islam as a result of 9-11? Oh, I don’t know, I think the United States has shown remarkable restraint, both in bending over backward to not “offend” Muslims living in the country via much heavier scrutiny, and in not simply wiping out nations known to harbor Muslim terrorists with a wave of the hand and push of a button.

Any American who remembers how they felt on 9-11 realizes that not immediately lashing out took the patience of Job and leadership not bent on instant and perhaps false gratification.

Charles believes that the actions of 19 hijackers should not tarnish the reputation of hundreds of millions of law-abiding Muslims around the world. No argument here, as long as it’s understood that the actions over 60 years ago of a charismatic freak with a tiny mustache doesn’t tarnish reputations of the millions of otherwise good and decent Germans who were, nonetheless, bombed back into the stone age with absolutely no objection by British royalty.

While in the States, Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall will visit New York, Washington and San Francisco, bringing with them a message of tolerance, understanding and peace – along with an entourage that will hopelessly entangle traffic and result in countless road-rage incidents.

Prince Charles’ message is as old as civilization itself – or at least as old as Rodney King: “Can’t we just get along?” Many historical examples scream back at us an answer to that question: “No!”

So much of what passes for global wisdom ends up sounding like the last two minutes of the “Jerry Springer Show,” when Jerry “brings it all together” for us in a “and what have we learned today?” segment. Well, what we learned was that you should never put Nazi skinhead transgender bikers in the same room with Samoan bisexual necrophiliac surfers and expect anything but fisticuffs.

Some people in the Middle East also agree with Prince Charles’ assertion that a few terrorists should not be allowed to give an entire religion a bad name. As a matter of fact, there is a Middle Eastern TV show that is under fire by some who, apparently, are quite happy having a bad name.

The TV show, broadcast by the Saudi-owned and Dubai-based Middle East Broadcasting Corporation is under the gun, knife and bomb by many in the region. The program is called “Al-Hour Al-Ayn.”

“Al-Hour Al-Ayn,” which may eventually be rerun in the United States as “As the Jihad Turns,” tells the story of Arabs living in residential compounds in Saudi Arabia and the militant Islamists who want to blow them up so they can collect their heavenly reward.

“Al-Hour Al-Ayn” is Arabic for “Beautiful Maidens.” The Hollywood translation of “Al-Hour Al-Ayn” is “two women and one man living in an apartment above a stuffy landlord, with a wacky neighbor.”

The show’s message is that terrorism is giving Islam a bad name. Critics of the show disagree that terrorism is a problem among Islamic extremists, and if the show isn’t cancelled, the TV station will be blown up as proof of radical Islam’s opposition to people who incorrectly portray them as violent and oppressive.

So, yes, there are also people in the Middle East joining Prince Charles in trying to “bring the religions of the world together,” and bless ’em if they can succeed. In the United States, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, Hale-Boppers, tree worshippers and everybody else live in proximity – for the most part remarkably peacefully. By bringing his “can’t we just get along” message to America, is Charles preaching to the choir?

Charles went to Iran early last year and visited President Khatami. What are the chances Charles toured the country and asked Islamic fundamentalists to be “less confrontational” toward other religions? Slim and none, as evidenced by the fact that Charles’ polo pony isn’t being ridden by a headless horseman.

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