An 18-year-old actor named Frankie Muniz was told that a critic had lauded him as "the Cary Grant of kid stars."
His response has been variously recorded as something like, "That's cool, but who is Cary Grant?"
I will go out on a limb here and predict that 40 years from now, when Mr. Muniz is a ripe old 58, that remark will stand as his most famous quote. Check back with me in 2045.
Now, I'm no historian. (By 2045, I might be – if I can still remember my name.) But at least I can discuss sensibly a wide range of topics from days of yore – "yore" meaning anytime before I was born.
I can spend endless evenings with friends around a fireplace, reminiscing about topics like Will Rogers' humor, the causes of the 1929 crash, how my grandparents survived the 1918 flu epidemic, the dreadful events of 1913, why Disney's Main Street USA is made to look like 1912, why the 1910 Edinburgh Conference failed – and so on, back through the Higher Criticism, the Civil War and slavery, the impact of railroads, how the frontier made America, the Pilgrim fathers' troubles, Wesley's success and Luther's downfall, Gutenberg's revolution, the Black Plague's impact on Catholicism, Constantinople's fall and the Italian Renaissance, how the Irish saved civilization in the 900s, the bright side of the Dark Ages, why Rome fell, and etc. back to Noah. (I'm a little weak on the Garden of Eden.)
I'm not claiming any great depth, mind you, just an impressive dilettantism. And I definitely take a back seat to any good historian. Yet at least I have an eagerness to keep learning about what went down on this great green planet before I got here. Which is more than I can say for the Munizes of this world. The under-30s of today seem even worse off than Jack Weinberg, when he gave the 1964 Berkeley Free Speech Movement its trademark, "Don't trust anyone over 30."
Well, dudes and dudettes, I was there when Clark Kerr was getting Sproul Hall cleaned out and Mario Savio was whipping up the troops. The FSM was great fun, but it was mainly a bunch of quasi-moral children, none of whom ever planned to be over 30. However, their memories did extend back further than last week, which I can't say for the wired-but-weird trendoid kids of today.
I feel for them. It's not that they can't tell Cary Grant from Tony Curtis (or Lewis and Tolkien from Lewis and Clark, for that matter), it's that they may never be exposed to the timeless lines bequeathed to us by the superstars of yesteryear. I submit to you some of my nominations for lines that have defined our times and played a part in making us what we are ...
"I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." Also, "Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
– Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
"Round up the usual suspects." Also, "You mustn't underestimate American blundering. I was there when they blundered into Berlin in 1918."
– Claude Rains, "Casablanca"
"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again!" Also, "After all, tomorrow is another day!"
– Vivien Leigh, "Gone With the Wind"
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
– Clark Gable, "Gone With the Wind" (The line cost the studio a $5,000 fine.)
"Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
– Judy Garland, "The Wizard of Oz"
"I'll get you, my pretty ... and your little dog too!"
– Margaret Hamilton, "The Wizard of Oz"
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
– Frank Morgan, "The Wizard of Oz"
"I want to be alone."
– Greta Garbo, "Grand Hotel"
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"
– Oliver Hardy, "Sons of the Desert"
"Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper."
– Ronald Reagan, Knute Rockne, All-American
And more recently ...
"Houston, we have a problem."
– Tom Hanks, "Apollo 13"
And finally,
"May the Force be with you."
– Various actors in "Star Wars"
If you're mad because I missed your favorite, please feel free to send it in to [email protected], and I'll try to run it in a future column. Meanwhile, for auld lang syne, this is your friend Jim Rutz, signing off for the year 2005.
But here's a promise: "I'll be back."