Theories are once again circulating, refueled by recent events, that the United Nations, as the Wile E. Coyote of international organizations, may be about to receive another package from ACME.

This time, the box may contain not rockets to strap on their backs, nor giant springs for the bottoms of their shoes, but Bill Clinton, who is pitching himself for the job as the next U.N. secretary-general.

A couple of years ago, when the United Nations was stricken with a public-relations paralysis that is exclusive to pencil-pushing bureaucrats who have dictators programmed on speed-dial, the “Clinton as SecGen” talk made the rounds, then died down. It’s back again – with a vengeance.

Columnist William Rusher has noted that Bill Clinton’s recent gallivanting around the globe urging newspapers to avoid publishing any material that mocks or offends Muslims is one of the many sure signs that the former president is lobbying for the U.N. gig.

In fact, Clinton and the United Nations would be the perfect match of malady to medication, and vice versa. The United Nations and Bill Clinton go together so well that they score at the “wine and cheese” level on eHarmony.com’s compatibility test. At long last, Bill Clinton discovered a group of people who look as if they would actually relish the opportunity to spend a weekend debating the meaning of the word “is.”

Kofi Annan’s term expires at the end of this year, and he’ll perhaps be going on to a lucrative career as a public speaker and possibly Morgan Freeman’s stunt double. At that point, the job will be Clinton’s to lose.

As U.N. secretary-general, Clinton would also finally have a shot at something he’s been after for a long time – a Nobel Peace Prize. Annan and the United Nations won it in 2001, and Jimmy Carter in 2002, so the Nobel folks would like nothing more than to award it to Bill Clinton to complete the trifecta at Appeasement Downs.

In past years when I wrote about Bill Clinton’s quest to head up the United Nations, I heard from many people waving off the idea as ridiculous, citing reasoning such as this: “under U.N. bylaws, the secretary-general may not be from a country with a seat on the Security Council.”

If there’s a bylaw of that specific nature, I haven’t found it yet. All I’m sure about is that the secretary-general is confirmed by the General Assembly on recommendation of the Security Council. Any of the five permanent seat members has a veto of the recommendation.

The five permanent members of the Security Council are the United States, China, the Russian Federation, France, and the United Kingdom. As a candidate for secretary-general, Clinton’s greatest threat of getting vetoed could come from the United States. Among the rest, he’s a shoo-in:

  • China: Still have the Lincoln Bedroom towels they were given by Clinton in the ’90s and would like to continue the friendship.

  • Russian Federation: A few years ago, a poll found that Bill Clinton was the second most popular politician in Russia, just after Putin.

  • The United Kingdom: Bill spent a great deal of his college days not inhaling while at Oxford, and still has former fellow panty-raiders in high places in Britain.

  • France: The French will do whatever the rest tell them.

Then consider that almost all of the above are hell-bent at placating Muslim nations. This is a task for which Clinton has already assumed the reigns, taking a leadership position in saving the world from the atomic bomb’s more dangerous brother: editorial cartoons.

Even if there is a bylaw in there somewhere that says the U.N. secretary-general can’t be from a nation with a permanent seat on the Security Council, so what? Clinton is viewed by some as the “first black president” of the United States. For a man who can change race on a dime, is a simple renovation of a U.N. charter bylaw anything but a minor detail?

Couple a possible Bill Clinton entry into the United Nations with the scintilla of a chance of Hillary becoming president of the United States, and the bureaucratic pick-pockets in New York, Geneva, The Hague, Vienna, Bonn, Montreal and elsewhere are in varied states of visible arousal.

The reason the United Nations will find a way to get Clinton in is simple: money (for those of you doing the paperwork on this, file it under “D” for “duh”).

Much of the rest of the world stares at the full udder of the United States and salivates like kids looking for something in which to dunk their cookies, and nobody knows his way around the teat of a cash cow like Bill Clinton.

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