The top stories in America this week are simply astounding.

First, illegal aliens continue to invade the United States seemingly at will, as our elected clowns (aka the president and Congress) remain gutless in their attempts to stem the tide. Gonads are apparently out of stock in Washington when it comes to deporting illegals and building a barrier along the entire southern border with Mexico.

Meanwhile, alligators are on the prowl in Florida, threatening anything that moves, from people to puppy dogs. As far as I can tell, the critters have no apparent new hatred for humans. They’re just doing what comes naturally when encroached upon.

Both these problems have received plenty of media coverage, and have left much of America in a panic. So what’s the nation to do? How can the republic survive? After about 10 seconds of deep thought, the answer is obvious.

Put the alligators on the border.

Yes, finally a solution that has some teeth. Lots and lots of teeth.

The new faces of U.S. Border Patrol agents?

Simply transplant a large sample of Florida’s reptile populace (the meanest, nastiest looking buggers) along a path from Texas to California.

Let’s just see how fast the illegal invaders “vamanos” when faced with the killer smiles of the four-legged American welcoming committee. Let’s see if they still want to reclaim the Southwest if the new kids on the block want to have them over for dinner, or dessert.

Watch the flood of human traffic into America evaporate, as you can bet many Mexicans will be making a new run for the border – the border with Guatemala, that is.

Florida residents will breathe a sigh of relief, knowing the chances of encountering a giant reptile on the shuffleboard court or by the pool while sipping morning coffee or juice in their underwear will be greatly reduced.

Animal-rights activists might even be thankful that many of these so-called “nuisance gators” will no longer be rounded up for slaughter. They will merely be drafted for a new, patriotic mission: to proudly serve the nation that has served their thriving population for so long.

No more exploitation by tourists at gator parks. No more marshmallows tossed by airboat operators.

Of course, this brilliant idea does entail some bold challenges, such as evacuating hundreds of swamp-dwelling creatures in an orderly fashion. Why not employ New Orleans Mayor Ray “Chocolate” Nagin who still has dozens of moisture-packed school buses at his disposal?

Where would the gators reside? The Rio Grande already serves as a natural moat along much of the border. It could then be extended with a little digging project, a task much easier than construction of a giant wall.

Who could dig it? Why not tap illegal aliens? They love to do the work Americans supposedly don’t wish to do, at a bargain rate no less.

But I have a feeling this is one job for which Americans would actually rush to pick up a shovel, and dig with a big, toothy grin.

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