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Dennis Miller: Gore had 'such a stick up his a--'

Dennis Miller

Comedian Dennis Miller says Al Gore would be president today if he didn’t have “such a stick up his a–” during the 2000 campaign against George W. Bush.

His comment came last night on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” as Miller discussed the former vice president’s movie about global warming, “An Inconvenient Truth.”

“I saw Al Gore’s movie, and you know, I remember thinking as I watched it, I thought, ‘God, if he was half this charming when he ran for president, he’d be president right now.’ He had such a stick up his a– when he ran for the presidency,” Miller said.

“I will pass that along to him,” said Leno.

“Don’t pass it along, take it out!” Miller responded, to a huge burst of laughter from the studio audience.

The pair discussed environmental issues and so-called climate change at length, with Miller displaying a copy of Newsweek magazine dated April 28, 1975. He highlighted an article titled, “The Cooling World,” with scientists at the time purporting the planet was headed toward global cooling, not warming.

“I just don’t think we control [the temperature] like we think we do,” said Miller.

“Clean air, clean water, count me in, but some of these things are just crazy,” he continued. “Alaska? I don’t care about Alaska. To me, Alaska’s ideal for our purposes. It’s cold. It’s set off from the main house. It’s got a lot of goodies in it. It’s like that old fridge you keep out in the garage. I think it’s time to start hittin’ it for some Jeno’s pizza rolls ’cause the game is on.

“Listen, we’re gonna replace oil till what? Till we run out of it. That’s the American way. … And we’ll replace oil when we run out of it. That’s why I drive an SUV, so we’ll run out of it more quickly. I think that I am an environmental champion. These people who are driving hybrids around are only prolonging the problem.”

Miller said what gets him “frosted” is the recent case of six Muslim imams in Minneapolis who are complaining about their removal from a US Airways flight due to security concerns arising from their purported suspicious behavior.

“Hey, join the club, boys,” Miller said. “You know, I tried to sneak an extra thimble full of Prell [shampoo] onto the plane. Next thing you know, I’m getting cavity searched by a patriot wearing a catcher’s mitt. But these guys start singing ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ in Farsi, and we’re not supposed to notice.”

Leno also asked Miller his opinion on the recent “sexpidemic” of female teachers having sex with their students.

“It’s crazy, I mean, when I was 14, my teacher wouldn’t let me bang the erasers,” Miller clowned. “I think there’s so little discipline in schools now that this is the only way teachers can get kids to do anything.”

“How about the kid that doesn’t have sex with teacher?” Leno interjected. “He feels left out. You gotta think [as a teacher today], you have to have sex with all the kids.”

Miller noted: “We’ve got to get tougher on everybody who’s messing with kids. There’s so many pedophiles in the world now. It’s insane. Some people want to keep track of them by putting transmitters in them to keep tabs on them. You know what makes it even easier? Burials. OK? You don’t even have to spring for the batteries.”

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