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With weighty matters such as the Anna Nicole circus and Britney’s look-at-me capers hogging the headlines, presidential candidates should be able to avoid the big issues for quite some time. Ultimately, however, one of the issues they will be falling all over themselves to address is “illegal immigration.”

The reason it’s impossible for politicians to come up with a real solution to the illegal-immigration issue is because it’s an all-or-nothing proposition. Either you let them all in and shut up about it, or you employ draconian measures to keep them all out. Not very appealing alternatives for politicians, given that their preferred approach to native unrest is to straddle issues in an effort not to incur the wrath of voters on either side.

To appreciate the politician’s dilemma, let’s take a realistic look at the pesky immigration issue that has become a nightmare for Congress and the president. First and foremost, aren’t those Mexican guys taking jobs away from U.S. workers? I mean, Americans are clamoring to pick grapes, scrub toilets and work at Wendy’s, aren’t they?

The fact is Mexicans have been crossing the Rio Grande for years and, percentage-wise, have caused very few problems. Best of all, they work cheap – which is a good thing for you and me. Let’s face it – you can’t outsource lawn maintenance to Calcutta.

Don’t get me wrong. There are Mexican pedophiles, rapists, thieves, drug dealers and murderers. But the same can be said of people from every nation on earth, especially the United States. In fact, in a show of patriotism, I’ll stick my neck out and say that I’d be willing to put our homegrown crop of pedophiles, rapists and serial killers up against those of Mexico anytime.

Having said this, honesty compels me to tell you that my personal experience with Mexicans, as a group, has been very positive. In fact, every Mexican person I have employed has been exceptionally hardworking and honest. And since I’ve hired only Mexicans who could speak English, language has never been an issue with me.

Nevertheless, I can understand why so many mom-and-apple-pie Americans want to put an end to so-called illegal immigration. There’s no question that some of their arguments are both reasonable and compelling. But what I don’t understand is why those who claim to be adamantly against illegal immigration don’t have the guts to propose real solutions. In other words, put up or shut up.

Let’s assume, for the moment, that “illegal immigration” is a bad thing. Let’s say that the call-out-the-militia folks are morally right in their assessment that we must put an end to it. Fine. But if they’re really serious about it, there are a number of ways it could be accomplished – quickly.

For example, the U.S. could put an end to all social benefits for illegal aliens – no education, no medical care, no welfare or unemployment compensation, no nothing. Zip.

Of course, I myself would never favor such a heartless measure, but one would think that those who demand a solution to the illegal-immigration problem would endorse it with open arms … if they were really serious about it.

The government could also mete out mandatory five-year prison sentences to first-time offenders who hire illegal immigrants. And mandatory 25-year prison sentences to second-time offenders. Ignorance of an immigrant’s illegal status would be an invalid excuse for an employer, as everyone would have easy access to a federal immigration register.

Of course, I myself would never favor such a heartless measure, but one would think that those who demand a solution to the illegal-immigration problem would endorse it with open arms … if they were really serious about it.

At the same time, every illegal alien caught in this country could be given a mandatory five-year prison sentence for his first offense. And second-time offenders could receive the same mandatory 25-year prison sentence as a second-offense employer. Boy, if I were about to cross the border illegally, I’d think about it long and hard if I knew that cousin Pedro was languishing in a federal penitentiary somewhere in Texas.

Of course, I myself would never favor such a heartless measure, but one would think that those who demand a solution to the illegal-immigration problem would endorse it with open arms … if they were really serious about it.

Finally, a law could be passed that would automatically classify a baby born to illegal immigrants an illegal immigrant him/herself. Quite a reversal from the automatic citizenship that babies of illegal immigrants now enjoy.

Of course, I myself would never favor such a heartless measure, but one would think that those who demand a solution to the illegal-immigration problem would endorse it with open arms … if they were really serious about it.

All this incarceration and policing may sound like a costly undertaking, but it would be a drop in the bucket compared to sending thousands (tens of thousands?) of troops to guard the border, pretending to build a New World version of the Berlin Wall, and providing delectable social benefits for non-citizens. And what’s really novel about taking a serious approach to this issue is that it would actually work – a notion that is unthinkable to problem-perpetuating politicians.

But let’s be fair to politicians. The truth be known, the average Bud Light American isn’t into real solutions, either. He’s into whining and complaining that the government should “do something.” And, boy, do politicians ever love to hear that kind of whining and complaining. It cries out for never-ending doses of rhetoric, which is their stock in trade.

Having said all this, the reality is that there will never be a permanent solution to the so-called illegal-immigration problem. That being the case, my advice to Americans is to sit back, enjoy the cheap labor, and be happy that Mexicans, as a group, not only help the U.S. economy but, by and large, are peaceful, family oriented, law-abiding citizens … oops, I mean people.



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