Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
''Why so cheerful, Howard,'' we asked as gubernatorial aide Howard Bashford breezed out of an unmarked exit of the governor's suite and into the main hallway of California's Capitol.
He was humming ''Whistle While You Work'' from the Disney cartoon ''Snow White'' and grinning unaccountably.
Naturally we queried, "Why so cheerful, Howard?"
''Haven't you heard?'' he asked. ''We key members of the governor's staff are going to get hefty – and I might add, well deserved – pay increases.''
We allowed that we had heard something about it, like Chief of Staff Susan P. Kennedy getting as much as $225,000 per year.
''Yep,'' he said, grinning more widely still. ''Yours truly is on the list. I'll finally be knocking down six figures, and it's about time. I've paid my dues as a public servant. I've been carrying out the arduous duties of assistant deputy undersecretary of essential services. For going on four years.''
''Arduous duties, eh,'' we said. ''What might those include?''
''Let me see,'' said Howard. ''This morning we had a staff meeting that started – if you can believe it! -- promptly at 9:30 and ran right through to 11:30. That really left me pressed for time, because I had to get ready for a lunch meeting at noon.
''What with one thing and another – slow waiters and such – I didn't get out of the lunch meeting until almost 2 o'clock, so I was almost late for the 3 p.m. task group meeting.''
''Task group?'' we interrupted. ''What does the task group do?''
Howard smiled self-importantly. ''We help schedule the meetings for the coming week, and believe me, reconciling the schedules of everybody involved is a tasking task.
''Now I'll barely have time to finish my next job before I get back to the office for the 5 p.m. daily evaluation meeting. We have to schedule that to make sure we are making the most efficient use of our time.''
We felt a bit tired at this point, but asked, ''Howard, what is that 'next job'?''
''It's two jobs, actually,'' he said. ''I have to take this memo (he brandished two sheets of paper) down to duplicating, and I have to have it photo copied.
''Wait! It's really three jobs – four jobs! I have to wait for the copies to come off the machine and carry them back to the others in the meeting and distribute them. Whoa! That's five jobs!''
''Howard,'' we said, ''how is this kind of work worth six figures a year?''
''Look at the marketplace,'' he answered smugly. ''Why, Education Secretary David Long has been making just $175,000 since he joined state government, when he was making $240,000 as Riverside County superintendent of schools. The guy really has been sacrificing.''
''That was another government job,'' we said. ''What were you making in private business before you went to work for the governor.''
''I was making $34,000,'' he whispered. ''But don't forget. That was four years ago. The marketplace has pushed things up substantially. As the governor's press secretary, Aaron McLear, said, you have to pay top dollar 'to retain the best and brightest in these key positions.'''
''Look,'' he said, no longer smiling as broadly, ''I don't have time to chat any more. I really have to take care of this memo.''
As he strode off, we called after him, ''Hey, Howard, what's that memo about, anyway?''
''It's about what we want to put on our plaques when we leave our state jobs,'' he said.
''Plaques? What plaques?'' we shouted.
And Howard called back, ''The plaques honoring the sacrifice of our years of public service, of course.''
Another matter: CBS' Katie Couric must be furious that a producer plagiarized an essay for ''Couric and Co.'' After all, it's one thing for an assistant to write something to be read by Couric as though she had written it herself, and quite another to steal something to be read by Couric as though she had written it herself.
Related special offer:
"Liberwocky: What Liberals Say and What They Really Mean"