Dear madam:

Fast forward 10 years. It is now April 17, 2017, and you’re in trouble with the law. Again.

As you drive to the courthouse, the morning mist is burning off, but the haze in your head remains. You’re trying to reconstruct the collapse of the last decade and figure out how such a string of disasters could have occurred so quickly in an enlightened USA.

It all started in ’08, that much seems clear. In the initial rush of excitement after the Democrats’ takeover of the White House, the ratification of the Women’s Equality Amendment, or WEA, seemed almost like a mere finishing touch to the festive dawn of a new age for women – and all the oppressed of this country. At least that’s what they said on TV.

You roll up your windows as you drive through a neighborhood next to the university, where a few thousand homosexuals have formed a seedy community of their own centered around the old, now-outlawed and vacated fraternity and sorority houses, teeming today with single roomers who float from party to party, night after night. You wonder to yourself, Dear God, where have all the real men gone? How could the homosexual population go from 2 percent to 20 percent in only 10 years? Have all these new rules made true masculinity impossible?

Your day began with a call from your secretary, reminding you of your hearing on the raise in child support that your ex-husband is demanding. (The greedy jerk!) Whenever his old friends who work in your department hear a rumor that you’ve gotten a salary increase, they tell him, and he calls Child Custody to try to get more money.

It’s bad enough that he got all three of the kids – but that was to be expected. After all, he makes twice the money you do, so in the newthink logic of the WEA era, that makes him a more suitable parent. It only took the courts five years to connect the dots and decree that since women are legally no different from men, both parents should have an equal shot at raising the children. And too often, the judges said, placing them with a single mom causes instant poverty. (Because the WEA stripped women of any special protection in the workplace, they’re faced with a raw struggle for promotion against the more aggressive male of the species, who is willing and able to devote long hours to their own advancement. So women wind up in support positions paying less money.)

At a long red light, you shut your eyes for a moment and run a quick catalog of …

The avalanche of changes

The biggest shock, without a doubt, was that morning in 2011 when you went to your mailbox and pulled out an official-looking envelope with … your draft notice! The expanding war in the Mideast needed more bodies, and the new Affirmative Action Military Draft Code required a 50/50 armed forces ratio, so you were whisked away to basic training – with no “coddling” of women. The drill sergeants were merciless – and so were the Iranian suicide squads. But while you managed to cope with combat, a lot of your women friends couldn’t. They either crumbled or slid into very male behavior.

Returning stateside, you quickly discovered that the new “comparable worth” laws assured you of a nice salary – if you could find a job. Companies were reluctant to hire people to do low-level work for high pay.

So to counter the “women’s unemployment problem” it had just created, the government began to apply pressure for you to return to work regardless. And no sooner did you get your youngest out of diapers than Congress passed the Full Employment Act – “to keep women from imprisonment in their own homes,” the Democrats said. The motive sounded noble enough, but many suspected the actual goal was to populate the new Federal Childcare System with millions of little bodies to justify its existence – and guarantee that the next generation will be well-adjusted, model citizens.

A honk in back of you shatters your reverie, and you start off again. Then, as you speed up an onramp, your thoughts accelerate to freeway speed. Your catalog of WEA-based losses becomes a blur:

  • the diminishing protection against domestic violence (on the assumption that women, as equals, should learn to fight their own battles);

  • the abrupt shutdown of Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts and single-sex schools;

  • the coming elimination of Social Security benefits for wives and widows;

  • the repeal of parental notification laws for pregnant teens;

  • the weakening of rape laws – to make them more “sex-neutral,” they said;

  • the homosexual protection laws, which displaced women as the country’s most favored interest group;

  • the rise in taxpayer-funded abortions (mostly of girls);

  • the gradual disappearance of traditional life insurance policies;

  • the growing lack of interest in celebrating Mother’s Day. Spokespersons for women’s groups say that we shouldn’t perpetuate narrow cultural stereotypes. After all, women should be free to be all they can be.

Rounding the final corner, you see the gray granite courthouse and resign yourself to whatever stroke of justice your caseworker may mete out to you in this new era of totally impartial fairness.

As you nervously open the door and walk into the hearing room, you are shocked to see your ex and his lawyer sitting there – with big grins on their faces. And you throw up.

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