Editor's note: Michael Ackley will be on vacation until the end of May. His columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
Into our possession has come a fragment of transcript from the meeting between Syrian dictator Bashar al Assad and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
Pelosi: . . . in friendship, and the hope we can continue to engage in peaceful dialogue.
Assad: This is our hope as well. After all, if we cannot talk together, how can we resolve our differences without conflict?
Pelosi: That is so true, Mr. President.
Assad: (to an aide, in Arabic) She is most immodestly dressed. Does her raiment arouse lustful thoughts in you?
The aide: (in Arabic) If I squint. At least she is wearing a head scarf. I wonder if her husband ever has to beat her.
Assad: (to Pelosi, in English) I'm curious. You hold a position of great power in your government, but are you an obedient wife, are you properly deferential to men?
Pelosi: Uh . . . properly? Yes, properly. But on the matter of Israel. I've brought you a message of peace from Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Can you give me any response to that?
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Assad:Of course we are willing to sit down with the Israelis and work out a lasting accommodation with them. (aside to aide, in Arabic) As soon as they return the Golan Heights, so we can resume shelling their schools. (in English, to Pelosi) Of course, this must include a final solution for the Palestinians. (to aide, in Arabic) Did you catch that, final solution. (The aide snickers.)
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Pelosi: Is there something funny?
Assad: No, no. I just ordered coffee. He laughs because he knows I really don't like coffee.
Pelosi: Oh.
Assad: Has your husband ever beaten you over your immodest clothing?
Pelosi: What?! No! Why would you ask . . .
Assad: (interrupting) Ah! Here's the coffee. I'm so glad you gave me the honor of visiting me, despite your president's objections.
Pelosi: I . . . ah . . . well . . . These exchanges can be important in promoting greater understanding between our cultures and . . .
Assad: (interrupting) Yes, yes. Greater understanding. Cream, or sugar?
A personal note: My wife and I were proud and overjoyed that our son-in-law was among more than 1,300 legal immigrants sworn in as United States citizens this month in San Francisco.
After the ceremony, the lobby of the Masonic Auditorium was filled with new citizens and their families, embracing, laughing, crying and posing for photos in which they displayed their certificates of citizenship.
Ninety-five countries – from Afghanistan to Zambia – were represented in the ceremony, a rite repeated twice a month in the City by the Bay. Nationwide, the United States naturalizes nearly 500,000 legal immigrants yearly. This would seem to imply that our country, so often reviled, remains the beacon of hope and promise of opportunity and freedom for people the world over.
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Judging by the applause, the largest group of new Americans came from Mexico, followed by China and then India. The multi-racial, multi-ethnic, multi-cultural makeup of the crowd seemed to provide ample evidence that this country is not anti-immigrant or racist.
Kudos to all who followed the rules, put in the necessary time and study, and swore the oath of allegiance to become citizens.
Speaking of Mexican-Americans: We were pleased to read that documentary filmmaker Ken Burns now plans to give due attention to Latinos in his opus on World War II. We don't say this out of multi-culturalist political correctness, but because we don't believe any other ethic group produced more Medal of Honor winners.
Meanwhile, thousands of illegal Latino immigrants and their supporters were marching in Los Angeles to protest President Bush's proposal to put a $10,000 blockade across any road to citizenship.
"Bush is going to be even more expensive than the coyotes," said one protester, obviously in a position to know.
Say! If 10 million illegals actually ponied up 10 grand, that would be a trillion dollars, which would retire the deficit and buy down the national debt. Or, Congress and the president could spend it, which would be the more likely scenario.
There remains the question of how an illegal working for a sub-minimum wage could amass $10,000 to pay the fine, but that's just one of those details constantly brought up by niggling naysayers (nattering nabobs of negativism?).
Nice try department: California's Second District Court of Appeal has ruled Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa may not take over the LA public schools. The court invalidated the law giving His Honor authority over the school district, legislation authored by Assembly Speaker Fabian Nunez, D-Aztlan, and state Sen. Gloria Romero, D-Aztlan. But don't expect this trio to give up on the power grab. The school district has a huge budget and tremendous potential for patronage.
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