Well, folks, if you are, like me, pondering how far we as a nation have strayed from liberty and independence as envisioned by our, um, forefathers, you might have wondered, whatever do the feds find all that threatening about the so-called, much-ballyhooed “Gay Agenda,” whatever that is? Always alert to keeping our readers abreast of broken, er, breaking news trends, LEFT-HANDED presents an imaginary peek at a most pressing Postcard from the Ledge concerning this issue, in our own giddily unique way of, like, communicating. Before you get carried away, though, please be aware this is purely parody.

Why are folks constantly so upset about this supposed “Gay Agenda” deal? It’s everywhere, not like flying saucers, or anything. Everyone knows hairdressers, decorators and such ilk have their own plans and schemes – don’t they? – which is why they’re not listening when you tell them what you think you want. But I still say, what are we worried about? Like many of you, I get my inspiration and information from, I admit, mostly online sources. So this came to me from a Web-TV buddy. I guess you can call him/her Deep Dish. See what you think.

I know many of you have heard Pat Robertson, the late Jerry Falwell and numerous others speak out in “fear and loathing” against the “Homosexual Agenda.” But so far, no one has ever seen a copy of it, though it apparently bears some traces of the Da Vinci Code, the Four Agreements and the Teletubby Manifesto. Finally, however, through a circuitous network of anonymous Internet transfers and top-secret forwards, I have obtained an authenticated copy of the “Gay Agenda,” directly from the head homosexual, who shall, of course, remain nameless, faceless, and most of all, happily ageless.

6 a.m. Gym and Tanning Bed

8 a.m. Breakfast. Oatmeal, egg whites, fresh squeezed OJ.

9 a.m. Hair Appointment. Styling, color touch-up, trim. Eye-tuck. Botox.

10 a.m. Shopping. Barney’s is so over, isn’t it?

12 p.m. Brunch. Seared Ahi Tuna, Rainbow Frittata, Mimosa. Just one. Or your eyes will get puffy all over again.

2 p.m. Political Action Works (PAWS for short)

  • Assume complete control of the U.S. federal, state and local governments, as well as all other national governments

  • Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle

  • Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages

  • Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of international drug cartels advocating violent overthrow of anyone in authority anywhere

  • Establish planetary chain of “queer-generating gulags,” where overmedicated, imprisoned and endlessly fertile hetero women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devoutly youth-worshipping gay leadership

  • Bulldoze all houses of worship and replace them with Trader Joes

  • Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of GayDate.Com

  • Agitate for Hugo Chavez’s installation as dictator-for-life in Venezuela and nationalization of all foreign oil interests including the USA’s

  • Have Yorkies declared the National Dog, with the attendant slogan I love New Yorkies, being given its own Cafe Press shop to create an instant product line of mugs, computer mouse-pads, baseball caps

2:30 p.m. Nap. Beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles caused by stress of plotting world conquest and domination

3:30 p.m. Protein Shake

4 p.m. Tea Dance. And yes, that’s a euphemism. How dumb can you be?

6 p.m. Light Dinner. Veggie broth, jicama salad, peppercorn-encrusted duck breast, with a crisp Chardonnay

8 p.m. Theatre, Broadway Musical or Opera

11 p.m. Bed du Jour

WELL, dear ones, now you know. At least it’s not as bad as awaiting inevitable deployment of one of the most paradoxical and deplorably demonic biological weapons of war ever proposed – the American military’s plans to develop a so-called “Gay Bomb.” Really, the U.S. Air Force actually envisioned targeting enemy soldiers with an aphrodisiac bomb supposedly rendering troops homosexual, replacing their will to fight with an overwhelming compulsion to have sex … with each other, which in this battlefield situation would generally translate into brotherly love.

But it’s a non-lethal weapon, you protest. Sure it is.

Who’s in charge of conceiving these ridiculous, odious, disgusting projects, anyhow? Aren’t they ashamed to admit they were even considering devising such crap? If it weren’t so evil, it would be hilarious. Fortunately for all concerned, they claim they discarded this insane scheme. Didn’t they?

Hard to imagine the U.S. Gummint evah getting behind the notion Make love, not war!

“The Marketing of Evil: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised as Freedom”

Note: Read our discussion guidelines before commenting.