Time for a real human being in the White House! Not another neocon hood ornament/sock monkey! Fat chance! Have you seen that pathetic Associated Press piece showcasing the wussified responses from the current crop of presidential candidates about their least-favorite foods? Puhleaze! What a sorry excuse for journalism. And you call these lamers qualified for the highest office in the land? This unimaginative crew of carnivores on the campaign trail acts like vitamins are un-American and eating veggies is against the Patriot Act.

Naturally the AP didn’t bother to include a comment from peace candidate Dennis Kucinich, a committed vegan who eschews meat and also forswears consuming animal byproducts because he really does walk his talk.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney abhors eggplant.

Barack Obama hates beets.

John Edward can’t stand mushrooms.

Apparently forgoing every shred of diplomacy he ever mastered, Bill Richardson obliterates his until-now great leadership credentials by confessing, “I’m not a big vegetable eater.”

Wah. I want my mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nevertheless, professed omnivores Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Fred Thompson, those indiscriminate crowd-pleasers, are “You are who you eat” personified; nothing fazes them, food-wise, except for Hillary’s creepy aside, “I don’t like, you know, things that are still alive.”

Um, who does?

Somehow the AP didn’t get around to quoting Arkansas’ Mike Huckabee either, who conquered his type II diabetes by shedding 105 pounds through a rigorous program of diet, exercise and supplements– and actually also managed to find the time somehow, somewhere, to produce a book – “Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork: A 12-Stop Program to End Bad Habits and Begin a Healthy Lifestyle.”

LE Magazine labeled him “the rare high-ranking government official who believes it is possible to achieve optimal health and wellness while reducing and even eliminating degenerative disease.”

While that’s admirable, setting a positive example for us all, hopefully Huckabee’s still not the same benighted nitwit who once wanted to isolate AIDS patients. Can you spell hidebound, parochial or misguided?

Since scientists now suggest a love of broccoli begins in the womb, I guess this uninspiring race for the presidency’s something else to blame on mothers?

Vegetables notwithstanding, unless Bill Richardson goes on a major diet ASAP, the USA could be well on its way to becoming a signed sealed and delivered theocracy, with, you should pardon the expression, Mike Huckabee leapfrogging over all Repug-Nican comers in a recent Newsweek poll.

As Maggie the Brit, not her real name, is wont to say, “We get what we deserve, we get what we deserve, we get what we deserve,” emphasis hers. If so, is there a President Huckabee in America’s future?

Not that we, meaning I, believe polls. Be that as it may, whoever heard of Huckabee, a former ordained Baptist minister and, um, governor of Arkansas, until he grabbed the national spotlight for dropping that ton of weight. Yeah, yeah, I know, it was for health reasons. But obviously he had set his sights on the White House even back then. You have to admire that kind of single-mindedness and self-control. That is, unless he had secret bariatric surgery, something, I might add, peace candidate Dennis Kucinich fortunately would never require.

While Kucinich has the most authentic, sincere and humanistic politics, bar none, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, by virtue of his international experience, seems best-qualified to actually lead our nation. They’re my Dream Team.

However, Huckabee’s hegira could be an object lesson for this best-qualified candidate of any party in the race for the presidency. Savvy political observers – by which I mean an ex unafraid of speaking the unspeakable – warn that Richardson will never win the presidency because (DRUMROLL) he’s F-A-T.

Neither will I, but then again, I’m not running.

Here’s the, um, straight skinny, folks. Certainly someone awash in wattles and quadruple chins in the White House is neither awe-inspiring nor the picture of health. We don’t want the Putins of the world assuming America has become “soft” and vulnerable, let alone “undignified.” Obesity, while being a bona-fide unfortunate physical and emotional condition, may also bespeak a lack of personal discipline, a weakening of the will – surely a deficit in a maximum leader.

When it comes to capturing the White House, and then staying there, lean and mean definitely must trump prowling the corridors of power in search of midnight snacks.

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