With the newspapers, magazines and websites loaded with "year-in-review" stories, I thought it would be a good idea to instead look forward at what's going to happen in 2008.
The coming year will hold many surprises, and some very predictable events as well. What will those be? Here's my best shot at it.
In 2008:
- The Ron Paul campaign will demand a Federal Election Commission investigation into voting discrepancies after noticing their candidate won Internet polls by a total of 30 million votes, and yet lost the GOP nomination by a landslide.
- Marvel Comics, a company that previously announced they would be creating a comic book series based on the United Nations, will release their first offering: "The Fantastic Gore" – a quartet featuring "Captain Carbon Credit," "The Green, Solar-Powered Lantern," "The Mighty Thor-azine" and "Captain Anti-America."
- In an Entertainment Tonight interview, several currently out-of-work Hollywood actors will blast the Writers Guild leadership for jumping into the writers strike without an exit strategy.
- The idiotic warning label trend will finally take a turn for the logical after a federal judge orders all politicians, past and present, to wear labels clearly listing their inherent dangers. Bill Clinton will protest his "Warning: Choking hazard" label but will lose on appeal.
- Atheist-activist Michael Newdow will file a federal lawsuit seeking to have the word "God" removed from the Bible.
- Michael Moore will produce a new movie in which he exposes a top-secret health care industry conspiracy designed to brainwash Americans into believing that they should avoid taking health care advice from a morbidly obese film maker.
- Rogue climatologists will claim that hypocrisy is a major contributor to global warming. Al Gore will then call for a worldwide ban on climate change dissent, claiming the burning of pet theories is causing an alarming rise in his temperature and weight.
- Pro-abortionist Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., will call for a temporary shutdown of abortion clinics – yes, you heard me right – after her environmentalist campaign donors discover that Planned Parenthood is still using eco-unfriendly incandescent light bulbs. Clinics will re-open after PP agrees to use compact fluorescent bulbs provided for by a generous earmark in Boxer's "Because we care about the children" bill.
- A National Enquirer investigation will prove that Democrat candidate John Edwards used his $8.8 million in federal matching funds to get 22,000 haircuts.
- On April Fools Day, President Bush will reveal to the world that he's been pronouncing "nuclear" as "new-kew-lar" as a joke. Bush will then look straight into the camera to prove he knows the proper way to say it: "nu-kee-lerr."
- Controversy will swirl around Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani after mainstream media learn that the company Giuliani hired to do landscaping at his home employed Mormons.
- After the final report is released on the death of Benazir Bhutto, congressional Democrats, fearing the spread of such horrors to the U.S., decide to take pre-emptive action by calling for the Consumer Product Safety Commission to order a recall of all vehicles with sunroofs.
- After several state primaries, Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich will claim his voters were disenfranchised because of government failure to build spaceports near polling places.
- Barbara Streisand's 35th "farewell tour" will get under way in August, and her fans will notice that the cost of fighting corporate greed has gone up immensely.
- The New York Times will report that, in order to secure Oprah's endorsement, Barack Obama had to agree to make Maya Angelou the secretary of defense, host a national pajama party and refer to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as "girlfriend."
- In what will be voted the most ironic event in the last quarter-century, a truck delivering several thousand copies of Ted Kennedy's memoirs to Martha's Vineyard bookstores will drive off the Dike Bridge and plunge into Poucha Pond.
- America will be stunned by an "October surprise" siren-story on the Drudge Report website. The Drudge scoop will include shocking evidence that the Democrat's nominee, Hillary Clinton, is, in fact, not a lesbian.
- President-elect Fred Thompson begins penning an inaugural speech that will contain no less than 10 famous quotes from his movies, including "I suppose you're going to tell me what all the hubbub's about," "They're going to be dropping on the White House Lawn" and "Russians don't take a dump without a plan, son."
We'll have to wait, however, to see what the New Year really brings.
I'd like to wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous 2008!