Editor’s note: Today’s column is political satire, mixing reports of actual news events with invented parodic consequences.

My once-and-future therapist, “Dr Meg Briggs,” not her real name, was lobbing some, well, unsolicited Presidential Therapy grenades in my direction.

“Let’s face it, girl, privately you’ve pretty much made fun of all the candidates for president left standing, but you must get behind one,” she declared. “That’s reality. That’s being a grownup. That’s claiming your adult responsibility status.”

Wah, do I have to? I mean, the Dumbo-Craps are nearly as bad as the Repug-Nicans. And I haaaaate Presidential Cramp-Pains almost as much as I dislike all the foofaraw about pro football, I wail.

Oh, please don’t make me reconfigure my indifference and recalibrate my apathy, I implore, whatever you do!

Really, I thought I DID get behind a candidate in the last presidential election, remember? After I played No President Left Behind, the Bored Game, I bit the bullet and got behind Kerry, and before that, Gore. Look what good it did us. After they Swift-boated Kerry into oblivion, then the election was hijacked again by rigging those wonderfully responsive electronic voting machines, right?

This time, I really liked Dennis (Kucinich) and Bill (Richardson). I really did, but they went and withdrewwwww, I snuffled. And so did John Edwards, just when I was becoming able to differentiate between him and that mean TV psychic, the one without the $450 haircut who insults everybody in his studio audience.

And now Hellary’s threatening to give us mandatory “universal” health insurance by picking our pockets, I mean, forcibly garnishing our paychecks so we workers can enrich the coffers of the same rotten, lame and pathetically corrupt system already in place, yeah, the absolutely identical crappy, sleazy, heartlessly greedy and parasitic suckers who, for example, criminally ratcheted up the co-pay of my fond friend “Freddy from Fresno,” not his real name, either.

Certainly Obama has a stunning way with oratory, and seems to be garnering endorsements from nearly every last person even tangentially connected with the late lamented supposedly paradisiacal Camelot era, but my first instinct is he’s style without much substance, so far – he needs some seasoning, and then let’s see.

As for some Obama-ites, true believers trying to levitate their candidate into the White House, yes, even well-meaning and allegedly informed folks of my own acquaintance are unfortunately stooping to recycle previously discredited smarmy urban legend e-mails, rumors, gossip, innuendo, whatever you wanna call it, about the Clintons, stuff that was unspeakably vile, dumb, evil and stupid the first time around – you should really know better! For shame!

In the opposing camp, some of McCain’s fellow Repug-Nicans are actually uttering what might be the unspeakable truth about that side’s apparent front-runner. From the Washington Post: “The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine,” Sen. Thad Cochran, R-Miss., also a senior member of the Appropriations panel, told the Boston Globe recently. “He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me.”

At that, “Dr. Briggs” elbows me: “Don’t believe everything you read. He’s preferable to Whackabee and Mitt the Twit.”


Hey, forget McCain. Let’s move on to Ron Paul. While I can tolerate a portion of Dr. P’s politics – I appreciate what’s been labeled his “naive isolationism” and his libertarian thrust toward smaller government – some of his other less enlightened stances give me a migraine.

As for Romney, good thing he withdrew. So what if his favorite TV show is “The Office”! He seemed like someone sent by Central Casting for a starring role in a surrealistically sinister and oh-so-American-Gothic movie by those cinematic genius twin brothers, Michael and Mark Polish of “Northfork” fame.

Don’t forget, Huckabee rhymes with theocracy.

Giuliani makes me shudder – the activist/street artist Robert Lederman has accumulated mucho documentation on that one – so I’m glad he’s gone.

Maybe I’m holding out for Manhattan Mayor Michael Bloomberg. Maybe he has the right stuff. Maybe a billionaire Democrat turned Republican turned Independent, or is that a billionaire Republican turned Democrat turned Independent, who runs one of the world’s most complex cities, after building a global multi-media business empire, has enough guts and grit and expertise to brazen his way into the White House and assume history’s mantle.

Whimper not, “Dr Briggs” counseled, in her most comforting “fireside psychology” manner: “At least, unlike millions upon millions of medicated Americans, you still have a presumably clear head to make an informed decision, whatever it is –whether or not ‘they’ end up stealing this election, too.”

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