Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
Where are illiterate peasants not illiterate peasants?
That would be in the Colorado state legislature, or at least its House of Representatives, where Rep. Kathleen Curry (D) gaveled down Rep. Douglas Bruce (R) for his rhetoric in opposing a farm guest-worker bill.
"How dare you!?" sizzled Curry after Bruce opined that the Centennial State didn't need "5,000 more illiterate peasants."
Rep. Terrance Carroll (D), the House's assistant majority leader, said Bruce's remark might bring an ethics investigation.
"He clearly violated the decorum of the House," the Denver Post quoted Carroll. "It was premeditated bigotry. Doug Bruce is not a stupid man. He thinks about what he's going to say."
There is some question whether or not the latter may be said of the House leadership, for we sought out majority caucus spokeswoman Amy Handleman and asked her if she knew the definition of "peasant."
Shooting us a "you can't trap me" look, she said, "Let's just look at my dictionary. It says, 'Peasant: 1. Any person of the class of small farmers or of farm laborers …' Wait, that can't be right. I'll get back to you."
True to her word, Handleman called a few minutes later.
"House Majority Leader Alice Madden has pointed out she has 'never heard people in a civilized society call people peasants," she reminded us, "but while 'peasant' was bad, it wasn't the biggest problem.
"The biggest problem was that Rep. Bruce used the modifier 'illiterate,' which was clearly bigoted."
Leaving aside Ms. Madden's lack of contact either with civilized societies or with learned texts, we asked, "How will Colorado make sure its guest workers are literate? Is it going to test them? Will their children be able to keep up in Colorado schools?"
"I think it's safe to assume these Mexican workers will be literate," she said, "because Mexico is a progressive nation with a model system of public education. We're sure that those who come to Colorado will be students taking a break from their rigorous studies to help our beleaguered farmers. At the same time they'll be shedding some of the stress of their challenging, post-baccalaureate programs."
"So they won't be illiterate?"
"Not at all."
"Never?"
"Never."
"And they won't be burdensome to Colorado's medical care system, welfare system or public schools?"
"Certainly not."
"And they'll go right back to Mexico when their work visas expire?"
"Of course. They have their studies to think about, and who wouldn't want to return home anyway?"
Well, then, that's that. However, we will have to make a couple of new additions to the Blind Partisan's Dictionary:
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Bigot: 1. a person who holds blindly and intolerantly to a particular creed, opinion, etc. 2. a Colorado Democrat.
Peasant: 1. any of a mythical class of small farmers or of farm laborers, 2. an archaic term no longer applied to the gardeners and domestic laborers employed by Democratic legislators.
For the record: Those who believe the United States doesn't welcome immigrants should look at the statistics. We are absorbing hundreds of thousands of legal immigrants every year, and the greatest percentage of these are from Mexico. In fact, the greatest percentage of new citizens every year – more or less 12 percent – are from Mexico.
According to the latest statistics available, for 2006, more than 9,000 former Mexicans were being naturalized every month. These new Americans are not "illiterate peasants," but individuals willing to go through the rigorous immigration process that requires them to understand English, to have a grasp of our governing principles and to swear an oath of allegiance to the United States. They have not come here on temporary work visas and blended into the populace after those visas expired; they have not sneaked across the border.
They bring with them strong family values and an incredible work ethic. Unlike the illiterate peasants referred to by Rep. Bruce, they have not been imported as a kind of subsidy for American agribusiness. They were not brought here to be exploited and cast aside after the harvest, often staying to become a burden on society – a cost that is not factored into your grocery bill.
Those legislators whose hearts bleed when such people are accurately called "peasants," are far from compassionate; they are in league with the exploiters. Their actions also help preserve the quasi feudal system that maintains the Mexican institution of the campesino (read "peasant").
As for Ms. Madden's assertion that people in "civilized societies" don't call people peasants: This is as ignorant as it is arrogant. It's the kind of assertion you might hear from a California legislator, representing Aztlan and the reconquista.
Bill Richardson, Robert Reich and now Joe Andrew: It's no mystery that so many individuals who worked for Bill Clinton are endorsing Barack Obama as the Democratic Party's presidential nominee. They know the real Hillary Clinton.