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A new video on YouTube is taking the Internet by storm. Entitled “I’m Voting … Republican,” the satirical clip depicts actors playing conservative Americans of all shapes and sizes explaining why they would vote for the GOP.

“Arnold Jones” says he’s voting Republican because “all other countries are inferior to us” – and his wife, “Trudy Jones,” adds, “and we should start as many wars as we need to keep it that way.” A soldier in Iraq states that he’s voting Republican “so I can stay in Iraq” – and a young boy, labeled “future draftee,” points a fake gun at the camera and smiles while saying “so I can go to Iran!”

A black couple says they’re voting Republican because they “like a conservative majority on the Supreme Court,” with the wife noting, “we really like knowing that even if we’re separate, we’ll still be called equal.”

This insulting nonsense is precisely what liberals think of conservatives: We’re all warmongers, racists, environmental rapists and secret emissaries of big corporations. We’re going to reinstitute the draft, start a war with Canada and then relocate African-Americans to Quebec.

This sort of tripe should be dismissed out of hand. In the spirit of evenhandedness and fair play, however, I feel it my duty to explain why I’m going to vote Democrat.


I’m voting Democrat because I believe that the best strategy in war is defeat. It broadens the mind to learn Japanese, German and Arabic. Talk about multiculturalism!

I’m voting Democrat because I’m mad that George W. Bush hasn’t caught bin Laden. That’s because bin Laden is the only Islamic terrorist in the world.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that if I don’t have enough money, the solution is for the government to take more of my money. Who needs money when gas is $5 per gallon?

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that the ideal family is two homosexual bonobos, a goat and a parrot raising a human baby. Love and compassion is all it takes to make a successful family!

I’m voting Democrat because it’s my body, and if I want to kill my baby, I’ll do it, even if its head is in the birth canal. If I want to cut out my intestines and feed them to the crocodiles, I’ll do that too. That’s the freedom our forefathers enshrined in the Constitution.

I’m voting Democrat because our enemies on the battlefield deserve comfy hotel rooms, Pay-Per-View, prostitutes and all the benefits of American citizenship.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe we need other countries’ permission for me to turn down my thermostat.

I’m voting Democrat because I care about the real victims of crime – criminals.

I’m voting Democrat because the real cure for racism includes preferential policies based on race – particularly in presidential voting. If you believe that a black candidate ought to be qualified, as well as black, you’re worse than Bull Conner.

I’m voting Democrat because everyone deserves crappy health care. Sure, you’ll have to wait years for that life-saving cancer surgery. But it’s first come, first served at the cemetery!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe in minority rights (except in Muslim countries), free speech (with regard to pornography but not conservative talk radio), environmentalism (unless we’re talking about Al Gore’s house) and diplomacy (but never backed by the threat of military force).

I’m voting Democrat because I like the words “hope” and “change.” Also “kazoo.” That’s a funny word.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that America’s founders were rich, white, greedy xenophobes and that America’s founding principles are hogwash requiring periodic editing from an unelected group of liberal judges.

Most of all, I’m voting Democrat because I like the ideas they have over in France, but I don’t feel like moving there. I’ll threaten to move, but I really won’t. After all, I have a good job, health care, lower taxes, free speech and a social framework that promotes family structure. And all of it is defended by the most effective fighting force on the planet.

If only the institution of far-left values resulted in a great country. Oh, well. That won’t stop me from voting Democrat, though. After all, I’m voting Democrat because thought isn’t one of my strong suits.


Related special offer:

“Liberwocky: What Liberals Say and What They Really Mean”

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