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How to interrogate a terrorist

Now that President Obama has banned the use of “torture” in the CIA’s interrogation of terrorists, I would like to offer a few ideas on how to extract information from terrorist prisoners without the use of water-boarding, caterpillars or vicious dogs.

First, we must develop enhanced wrist-slapping techniques. These methods were originally perfected by nuns in Catholic schools. They used rulers. But that would be unusual and cruel punishment on the prisoners. So it is suggested that we use a wet rag or a limp wrist to do the slapping. Such mild punishment would humiliate the prisoner by signaling that he is not important enough to warrant more severe torture.

Second, I would have the Declaration of Independence translated into Arabic and require the prisoners to memorize it. The U.N. might complain that such a punishment would violate the terrorists’ human rights. But we can claim that the process is educational in intent. Who knows? Such dazzling political ideas might actually have a positive effect on these prisoners.

Third, I would distribute copies of the Bible in Arabic and confiscate the prisoners’ Qurans. The Bible would be broadcast by loud-speaker and would only be turned off if the prisoner agreed to provide interrogators with the information wanted.

Fourth, I would feed the terrorists only kosher food made in Israel: matzos, couscous, chicken soup, gefilte fish, etc. Such feeding would only be stopped if the prisoner provided our humane interrogators with vital information about al-Qaida.

Fifth, I would fill the prison with the aroma of frying bacon. Since the terrorists believe that eating pork would send them to hell, just inhaling the smell of frying bacon might be enough to endanger their entry into Islamic paradise. If they cooperated with their interrogators, the smell could be eliminated.

Sixth, I would distribute among the prisoners old copies of Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler magazines to stimulate vomiting or a new positive view of Western values.

Seventh, I would force the prisoners to sit through an uncut version of “The Ten Commandments” with Charlton Heston as Moses. The film might cause some mental anguish but might also undermine their jihadist view of history.

Eighth, I would play a recording of Verdi’s great opera Aida on loud speakers. Since the story takes place in ancient Egypt, it might open their eyes to pre-Islamic Egyptian culture. Also, recordings of Barbara Streisand singing songs from “Fiddler on the Roof” might be an acceptable form of multicultural re-orientation. By the way, the city of Toronto was able to get obnoxious teenagers out of the subway system by playing grand opera on the sound system.

Ninth, I would play Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony over loud speakers in the cells of the most dangerous prisoners. They might complain to the U.N. that this is a form of unbearable torture. But we can claim that it is cultural enhancement as prescribed by UNESCO. The music would be turned off if the prisoner agreed to provide the interrogators with information to help us prevent further terrorist attacks.

Tenth, I would have the prisoners watch videos of individuals who have converted from Islam to Christianity, which would be followed by readings from the New Testament. Lectures by former Muslims might also be provided.

I believe that these 10 ideas alone might force the prisoners to cooperate with the CIA interrogators. Indeed, some of these methods might even undermine the jihadists’ dedication to their love of death and destruction.

Anything that would break the hypnotic force behind their adopted terrorist ideology should be fair game for our interrogators. Since they were indoctrinated to become jihadists, they can be un-indoctrinated by the same educational techniques, which could hardly be called torture. The teachings of Jesus should be used to instill a love of life. Also, require the prisoners to read an Arabic translation of Paul Johnson’s “History of the Jews.”

Psychological tests should be devised to test the depth of jihadist commitment among the prisoners. Some might be amenable to change. It is probable that most of them simply follow some isolated passages from the Quran. Are there any Islamic leaders who contest those passages? If none can be found, then Christian teaching may be the only effective antidote.

But to some members of the Obama administration, imposing Christian teachings on the prisoners may be considered even worse torture than water-boarding.