A jihadi website posted a posthumous statement from the attacker who blew up himself and seven CIA employees in Afghanistan in which the man frets about not being a “martyr” and having to face judgment for his sins.

“I’m afraid of shameful exposure in the courts of the day of resurrection if I’m not killed by the weapon of my enemy. I’m afraid to be branded as a liar, and that my words will be the evidence for my conviction. Whenever I hear of someone who died I die, and with every illness about which I hear – I become ill,” said the statement from Abu Dajana Al-Khorasani.

The statement was captured from the jihadi forum site by the Middle East Media Research Institute, which has included it in a report on its subscription Jihad & Terrorism Threat Monitor report.

The article, “When Will My Words Drink My Blood? – I Am Now Fit For Publication,” apparently was written shortly before the bomber took on his suicide mission. It is attributed to Al-Khorasani, a pen name used by Hammam Khalil al-Balawi to post jihad writings.

The bomber killed seven CIA officers and a Jordanian when a package of explosives he had strapped to his body exploded at a meeting at the CIA’s Forward Operating Base Chapman in the Khost province of Afghanistan.

He reportedly had been recruited by intelligence agents for Jordan and was taken to Afghanistan to act as a spy on jihadists in the region. He, however, turned out to be a double agent, launching the deadly attack on colleagues who presumed he was on their side.

In the article preserved by MEMRI, the bomber wrote, “I decided to avoid publishing this article, by way of precaution, in accordance with the Hadith ‘In time of trial, seek hiding.’ However, the sight of the blood of Muslims in Gaza, small children, women, and powerless people, who were killed by the bombs of the brethren of apes and pigs, encouraged me to publish the article, so that it may strengthen the resolve of [even] a single Muslim in the frontlines, and that I will gain reward from Allah.

“I can no longer write, and I want to be sent to early retirement. I have gone bankrupt. I have withered. I’m tired, I’m fed up. I try to write this or that article, and then, when I have written just a line or two, my words turn into something incoherent, as if I suffer from mental blindness or emotional confusion. My written lines weigh heavy on my shoulders, and my words come to besiege me whenever I close my eyes. These feelings which burden me – I can no longer bear them. I feel that my words have become pale and without effect,” he continued.

“My heart burns to ashes because of my love for jihad. Oh, you who write about jihad and urge people to it, beware of falling in the same trap like me. What I fear most is that [when I die] I would meet a man who died as a martyr under the effect of my words, whereas I shall die in bed. This is a nightmare which makes me sleepless and it wrecks my nerves. I’m afraid that on the day of resurrection, standing before a mountain of [my] sins, I shall be asked to account for each and every one of them, and it shall be a long account, and I will be covered with sweat, while they [i.e. the martyrs] will be moving about the rooms of paradise in everlasting pleasure. One of them will say to the other: ‘What do you say about him who used to be called Abu Dajana Al-Khurasani, who used to urge people to go to jihad?’ And the other one will answer: ‘But he died in bed, a contemptible death, having stayed away from jihad. I wish for him that he had benefited by his own words. He was like a wick that burned itself to give light to the others.'”

He worried about the shame of not dying by an enemy’s weapon.

“With every passing year I grow ten years older. This is Allah’s judgment regarding those who stay away from jihad… My words are going to die if I don’t save them with my blood, and my emotions will be extinguished if I don’t kindle them with my death. My articles will testify against me, if I don’t give them the proof of my being free of hypocrisy,” he wrote.

“It’s either me or them [my articles]. The world cannot have both of us in it. One of us must die, so that the other can continue to live, and I wish it is I who shall die.

“By God, if the reward for martyrdom for the sake of Allah had only been forgiveness of sins and the exemption from being called to account for one’s sins, I should sacrifice my property and my life for it. All the more so, since the reward includes also the uppermost paradise. How much more so since it also includes being in the company of the Prophet Muhammad. All the more so, since it includes being safe from the great anxiety [on the Day of Judgment]. All the more so, since it includes the right to intercede on behalf of seventy members of family… I looked at my extended family and counted more than 100 persons, both dead and alive, but I have not found among them any martyr, or the father, or mother, or brother of a martyr. I don’t know any martyr amongst whose seventy relatives, for whom he intercedes, I can be counted. So how shouldn’t I worry, and how shouldn’t I be alarmed? How wouldn’t my heart be shaken, since the great gate of intercession is closed in my face,” he wrote.

“Oh God, I beseech Thee not to let me die except as a martyr for Your sake. Oh God, I beseech Thee that I would [be given the chance to] massacre Your enemies and then be killed under the ruins of a building destroyed by the Jews and the crusaders, and that the rescue people shall not take out my body, so that my corpse should turn into human fertilizer that will bring forth fruit upon which a Muslim child shall feed and become a jihad fighter when he grows up,” he wrote.

Meanwhile, the bomber’s Turkish wife told the Associated Press “the war against t he United States must go on.”

Defne Bayrak told the agency her husband hated the United States because of the treatment of Iraqis at Abu Ghraib prison and because of the U.S. invasions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

She said because of that hatred, he decided to kill himself and others.

The Middle East Media Research Institute is an independent, non-profit organization that translates and analyzes Middle East media.


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