Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
“Boy, you in a heap o’ trouble.”
The corpulent Sheriff Buford T. Justice loomed over a perplexed Doroteo Arango, who remained seated behind the steering wheel of his 1977 Pontiac Trans Am.
“Was I speeding, officer?” Arango asked timidly.
“No, boy. I stopped you because you was driving while brown,” said Justice. “As an officer of Arizona law, I can stop anybody I think might be an illegal alien, and you look like a Mexican to me.”
“But, officer, a third of the state’s population is of Mexican descent,” said Arango. “Surely you don’t plan to interrogate all of us.”
“You bet your frijoles we do,” said Justice. “We gonna stop any dark-skinned guy or gal who looks at us sideways.”
“But … why?” asked Arango.
Justice, hooking his thumbs in his pistol belt and thrusting out his belly, declared, “Because all us Arizona law enforcement officers is racists.”
With that, Arango awoke from his nightmare and sat up in bed.
“Well, that’s how the protesters think of us anyway,” he muttered. “As Buford T. Justice said in ‘Smokey and the Bandit,’ ‘What we’re dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.’”
Then Arango got up, put on his Arizona Highway Patrol uniform, and went to work.
A word for the wise: Never were so many “conservative” candidates on a California ballot. Virtually every Republican campaign sign in our neck of the woods has a candidate’s name, followed by “Conservative for State Assembly,” “Conservative for State Senate,” “Conservative for Congress,” etc. It’s a safe bet that before the Obama presidency, some of these office seekers didn’t even know how to spell “conservative.”
A conservative mood is in the air, and that bodes ill for Democratic Party candidates come November. The politically ambitious can smell it.
The Golden State’s best? The way Meg Whitman (“conservative”) and Steve Poizner (“conservative”) are having at one another, one wonders if California Republicans are capable of producing a decent gubernatorial candidate.
It’s not that these two are the only choices. There are eight Republicans on the primary ballot. However, only three of them – Poizner and Whitman not included – have seen fit to provide ballot statements. They are Robert C. Newman II, Bill Chambers and Douglas R. Hughes. None of these has the chance of a squirrel in a cat farm, and none, apparently, has the disposable wealth to savage other candidates.
Their ballot statements are not particularly eloquent, but Hughes has a certain flare. He wrote, “As your governor, I will ensure all pedophiles will leave the state or volunteer to live confined to Santa Rosa Island, at no cost to Californians, as they will have their own self-supporting village away from children.”
Candidate Hughes neglects to mention what industry would sustain such a colony.
Meanwhile, the Democrats’ presumptive candidate, former Gov. Jerry Brown, finally has held a campaign event. Following the lead of the Republican front-runners, he issued no policy statements but went on the attack. He labeled Poizner and Whitman as well-heeled “apostles of darkness and ignorance.” Give him points for imagery.
News from the asylum: President Obama’s aunt, Zeituni Onyango, no longer need fear deportation. Not only does she not reside in Arizona, the longtime illegal alien has been granted asylum. We don’t really know why a judge granted her this status, for published reports fail to say how she would have faced persecution had she returned to her homeland of Kenya.
Said our relieved president, “Thank goodness! At last we can have Aunty Zeituni up to the White House for some ugali.”*
The quote of the week comes from Onyango’s attorney, Margaret Wong. She said, “There are hundreds and thousands of people like her who really need help to stay here. When they first come to this country, they don’t know what they are doing.”
We’d bet they know they are breaking the law.
Cultural icon: One has to applaud Donald Trump. He knows how to give the people what they want. The latest case in point would be the Miss USA 2010 pageant, in which participants showed more skin than a Victoria’s Secret catalog – and that was in the evening gown competition.
*Cornmeal porridge, Kenya’s national dish