Hello America, My Name is Barack Gump.
Some people think I was born in Hawaii. Others think I was born in Indonesia. I really don’t know, but I’m glad that I stayed in America. Indonesia is a scary place, and I never could have been president over there. I never really knew my father. My mother said he was a great man. My grandparents didn’t think so highly of him. I really don’t know, but I wrote a book about him.
Some people say I’m black. Others say I’m mixed race. Some people say I’m not black enough. Others say I hate white people. My mother didn’t like white people even though she was white. My grandparents didn’t like black people even though liked me. I really don’t know what I think, but I used a lot of drugs in high school trying to figure it out. White girls always liked me, but I didn’t really like them.
Some people say I come from nothing, and that’s why I can feel everyone’s pain. Others say I was given everything, and that’s why I’m so aloof and out of touch with real people. I really don’t know. I don’t think we were rich, but I went to private school most of the time. Then I went to Columbia and Harvard. Some people call that Ivy League. I really don’t know, but they made me editor of the Harvard Law Review even though I didn’t get very good grades. Some people say it was because I was black. Others say it was because I’m special. I really don’t know, but I like talking to people. People also seem to like listening to me. They say I have a way with words.
All these big law firms in Chicago wanted to hire me. Some people say it was because I’m black. I really don’t know, but I didn’t want to work for them anyway. I wanted to help poor people, so I became a community organizer. The best thing about being a community organizer is that you get to talk to people all the time, and they all love you because you’re helping them. It was the most fun I ever had, but I met a new friend, Tony Rezko, who told me that being a politician would be even more fun. Some people say my friend Tony is a crook, but he’s still my friend. One great thing about this country is that you’re innocent until proven guilty, right?
So Tony helped me to start raising campaign money, and I became a politician. Winning elections was really easy right from the start. Everybody loved what I had to say. I would get up and say things and everybody would cheer and applaud. It was so much fun. After you win the election, you really don’t have to do anything. It gets boring sometimes, so I always look forward to the next election. Once in a while I would sponsor a bill with somebody because my advisers told me I need to do that, but I never really understood the point. The voters don’t care what you do in office. They only care what you say on the campaign trail.
After becoming a U.S. senator in 2005, I met a bunch of new friends, such as billionaires Penny Pritzer and George Soros. They told me that I should be president. They said the country needed me. They said I was the only one who could save the country from the evil tyranny of George Bush and the Republicans. They told me that they could guarantee an unlimited amount of money for my campaign. This sounded really good, but I wondered how they could guarantee so much money with campaign contribution limits. They said not to worry about that because MoveOn.org had figured out a way to avoid campaign finance laws with small Internet-based contributions. I really wanted to be president, so I said sure, let’s go for it.
There was this unhappy woman Hillary Clinton who tried to run against me in the presidential primary. She said that she should win because she had more experience, but nobody cared about that. I felt sorry for her. Her husband Bill was always cheating on her and doing things to undermine her campaign. She even broke down and cried in New Hampshire while we were campaigning. Some people said she was faking it to get sympathy votes, but I think it was real. I know that I would feel like crying if I were her. Anyway, it wasn’t hard for me to beat her in the primaries. People felt sorry for her, but they liked me a lot more. They said I’m a strong leader, and that’s what Democrats and the country needed to fix all the damage done by Bush and the Republicans. I really don’t know, but I loved campaigning and giving speeches to all these adoring crowds.
In the general election there was this really old guy John McCain who tried to run against me. I thought it was a joke. He looked like he was half dead already. He also kept saying that he should win because he had more experience, but nobody cared. I knew he was desperate when he started calling me a socialist. Nobody was going to believe him. I don’t even know what a socialist is. Everybody loved me. I look like a strong leader and people like what I have to say. That’s all that matters in an election. Some people say it’s historic that I became the first black president. I really don’t know. It wasn’t hard. Maybe nobody ever really tried before.
After the election, things started to get hard for me. The economy was really bad because of Bush and the Republicans, but as soon I took over everybody started blaming me. They stopped loving everything that I said. Suddenly they expected me to actually do something to fix the economy and create jobs. I tried a bunch of things that my advisers told me to do, but they must all be really stupid because that stuff isn’t working. I really don’t know why. This isn’t what I do. What I do is give speeches and win elections because people like me. I don’t know how to be president, and I definitely don’t know anything about the economy.
I thought these guys like Tim Geithner and Larry Summers knew something when they told me to bail out the big banks and pass this huge stimulus to revive the economy, but they were wrong. Now I don’t know who to trust. The Democrats in Congress have also been wrong about everything. They told me to pass health care and financial reform and people would like me, but they were wrong. So now I’m going back to what got me here. I need somebody to run against. Somebody who can make me look good by being unlikable. Somebody who can take the blame for things not going well. So I’m doing everything I can to make sure that the Republicans take back control of the House in November. That way I can have somebody to campaign against. I can get back to doing what I know how to do. That is, I give speeches and win elections. Maybe the Republicans can even figure out how to fix the economy, and then I can take the credit for it. It’s like my mother always said, “Barry, you can’t trust anybody in this world. You’ve just got to believe in yourself. Good things will happen for you because people like you.” My mother was a smart woman. Now I need to go have a cigarette and relax with my best friend, the teleprompter. All this talking about serious stuff is stressing me out.