Victoria Jackson, a "Saturday Night Live" cast member from 1986-1992, is an actress, comedienne, songwriter, uke player, wife, mother, ex-gymnast, Jesus-follower and new grandmother ... not in that order.More ↓Less ↑
I think I’m being spied on.
It all started over a year ago. But this was the latest strangeness.
Last week, I was walking to my car, leaving my grandchild’s home. The neighbors were watering their lawn. They shouted from across the street, “Someone’s been driving by your house taking pictures.”
N: Someone’s been taking pictures of your house. They came by four times.
V: Four times? Since I got here, or before that?
N: Since you’ve been there. Is your house for sale?
N: They weren’t taking pictures of any other houses on the block, just yours.
V: What did the car look like?
N: It was a dark SUV, kind of beat up, with tinted windows. A man …
V: What did he look like?
V: Was he using a cell phone or a camera with a long lens?
N: It was a camera. He was holding both of his arms up like this.
V: Maybe it’s my political activism. The bumper stickers. I’ve been telling people the president is a communist.
N: You shouldn’t do that.
N: Those people are out to take over the world and you might end up missing.
V:Well … that’s the point. If the people fear the government, it’s tyranny. If the government fears the people, it’s liberty.
N: I’m just saying. We didn’t vote for him (Obama), but … we know the Clintons from when we lived in Arkansas.
N: See that? (pointing to a burn spot on their lawn). That’s where his car was, burned my grass.
V: Did you get his license number?
N: No, should have. I will if he comes back.
V: Maybe it’s the tabloids trying to catch me committing adultery or something …
Way back in 2009, as a beginner political activist, I called Nancy Pelosi’s office to voice a concern. (I tell the story on video here:)
Also in 2009, I was speaking at a Westwood tea party in the heart of liberal LaLa land. As the crowd dispersed, a “married” couple asked me to pose for a picture with them and then they didn’t leave. When my friends and I went to dinner, we felt obligated to include them. They were in the military. I said, “Oh, I love the military! Thanks for your service!” I asked them which part of the military they were in and he answered, “Intel.”
I said, “What’s that?”
“Oh! You’re a spy! You’re spying on me!”
They laughed way too hard and didn’t deny it. Mysteriously, they shared all my interests. They were bicoastal, Florida, California. They loved screenwriting, acting and painting. He was a pilot like my husband. Whatever I was interested in, so were they! They pursued a friendship with my husband and me for over a year. They always called us. We never called them. They were sweet, but I always left our long lunches with a strange feeling in my gut. One time they invited themselves to my home in Los Angeles to “show me one of Bob’s paintings that was in the trunk of his car!”
When they finally left, hours later, Paul said he thought they were strange, but not spies, just awestruck fans. I said, “I’ve been around SNL fans my whole life. They do not act like that.” Paul said, “His art is weird. But all you artists are weird.”
When we moved back to Florida permanently, so did they! What a coincidence! They were even looking for houses in our neighborhood! Their car was a huge, black minivan with tinted windows and a circular, radar thing on the top. I pointed it out and they laughed, “We’re spies! Ha! Ha!” Another four-hour lunch where I learned nothing about them brought “Bob” to a long, conservative rant where he said to me, “… so you tell Glenn Beck that, the next time you see him.” I did a double take. I looked into his eyes as if to say, is that what you’re after? Glenn Beck info? I had a bumper sticker with Beck on it, and I wrote a fan letter to him on Big Hollywood. I replied truthfully, “I don’t know Glenn Beck personally.”
“Bob” started talking about a book that explained the secret of the Masons – witchcraft, Satanism. When I asked him to e-mail me the book title, he said he’d rather not. He wrote it on a napkin.
“Bob” and “Beth” wanted to hang out, so I invited them to Doug Giles’ church. They could get a twofer: spy on the Gileses and me at the same time. They attended. When I whispered to a friend that I thought they were spies, my friend said, “Shake ‘em off!”
We lunched again. Still, I know nothing about them, and they know everything about me. As I got in my car to leave, I realized I’d invited “Beth” to the W.I.N. meeting at my new home! Yikes! How did that happen? What if she puts bugs in my house? We have nothing to hide, but just the fact that I think she’s a spy, makes me feel spooky, like I can’t relax and be myself. I also don’t have the time or the energy to spy on a spy.
Several of my military friends agree there might be a file on me, on anyone who disagrees with this government, especially so publicly. “It might not be you they are spying on, but who you know; Breitbart, Hannah Giles, Farah, etc.” I was supposed to text “Beth” my address; instead I texted her, “You are really sweet, but since I think you’re a spy, I can’t hang out with you. It’s too weird. If you’re not a spy, sorry, you’re really sweet.” She never responded or called again.
My husband says I want them to be spies because it’s “drama” and I’m a bored housewife.
Flicking the TV remote this week, after Hilary had just publicly praised Al-Jazeera, I stumbled upon it! How did Al-Jazeera get on my TV?! The logo said, “Link TV – TV without borders.” Globalism/Islam has invaded my living room! The story was about the tea party being a group of ignorant Americans who were being manipulated by the Koch brothers! Wow! The evil, the lies, the propaganda is seeping in everywhere! No wonder why I’m paranoid!
This all sounds like a movie, but the truth is stranger than fiction. I heard a rumor yesterday that dictator “O” has made a decree – something about those proven innocent in court can still be jailed for life! Yikes!
In August of 2009 I was doing stand-up in Denver and heard that Obama had instructed us to report anyone who didn’t agree with Obamacare to firstname.lastname@example.org. I was shocked and horrified! Snitch on my neighbors? I turned myself in twice!
A government spying on its citizens is a good thing, if it’s for national security. If the spying is to silence the opposition, it is communism.
Whether I’m being spied on or not, I shouldn’t feel this way about my government.
When people fear the government there is tyranny; when the government fears the people there is liberty. Therefore, I will keep my bumper stickers and keep my voice loud. Obama should fear me. I can fire him!