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My Facebook page

Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

WND has asked for information on my Facebook page – really.

I don’t have a Facebook page. I won’t have a Facebook page.

However, if I had a Facebook page it would include the following:

Name: Well, you know that.

Age: Let’s just say I was highly offended when our local newspaper referred to a 67-year-old as “elderly.”

Marital status: Very.

Height: No shrinkage, yet.

Weight: 30 pounds more than it ought to be.

Hobby: Trying to lose 30 pounds.

Favorite TV program: In keeping with my age, it’s “Antiques Roadshow.”

Favorite actor: It’s still John Wayne.

Favorite movie: It’s still “Casablanca,” though “Red River” is right up there.

Favorite musician: It’s still Mozart.

Most recent book read: “The Autobiography of Mark Twain” (Vol. 1).

That’s enough. In the fashion of the times, I could go on – and on and on – but the fashion of the times is too solipsistic for my taste.

Facebook itself asks, “If you look at your own online presence, the composite of your profiles and behaviors, do you see your true self staring back?” And it answers, “‘Yes,’ says Dan Rose, Facebook’s vice president of business development and platform marketing.

“As we move from the Information Web to the Social Web, Rose argues, our online presence is less like a sketch of our offline selves, and more like a high-definition reflection.”

And thus each of us can become, as the old jest goes, “a legend in our own mind.”

No thank you.

The brilliance of the legal mind: Criminals aren’t like us. This politically incorrect truth often doesn’t register with folks who deal with criminals only in the sanitary confines of the courtroom or the prison visiting room.

Hence, we have the Prison Law Office, which has filed a lawsuit against the California Department of Corrections, demanding an end to race-based prison lockdowns. Apparently, the folks at the Prison Law Office haven’t heard that conflicts between inmates in stir often, if not generally, are based on race or ethnicity.

I once covered a hearing brought in protest of the “segregation” – read “solitary confinement” – of a prison gang member. The “special master” attorney hearing the case treated him like a pillar of the community. Despite the warden’s testimony that the “gentleman” would kill if released into the general population, the special master ruled the thug must be sprung from solitary.

Within a week the gangster killed another inmate.

This isn’t to say do-gooders shouldn’t keep an eye on prison policies. They just should do so in the context of reality.

Do we have to note that the Prison Law Office is based in Berkeley? Thought not.

Direct democracy? California Gov. Jerry Brown continues to push for a plebiscite on the extension of certain tax increases currently set to expire. You are free to note this is the reverse of last autumn’s national debate on the extension of certain federal tax reductions that were set to expire.

The governor has failed to notice that direct democracy is largely responsible for the structural difficulties he faces regarding the state’s budget deficit. Because of the Legislature’s failure to act responsible on many issues over the years, California has had government by referendum and ballot initiative. The result is a hodgepodge of constitutional provisions that make the budget process virtually unworkable.

We suggest again that the solution lies in the election of legislative statesmen, and the only way to achieve that is a return to a part-time legislature whose members actually have to work for a living and to abide by the laws they enact.

White House colloquy: “You have to admit,” said Deputy Under Assistant Press Secretary Howard Bashford, “it’s tough to explain why the president took so long to release his long-form birth certificate. A lot of folks were thinking that even if he was eligible, he was an arrogant so and so.”

“You have to give them that,” said adviser-without-portfolio Amy Handleman. “He is an arrogant so and so, but he’s our arrogant so and so.”

“I guess now we’ll have to release his academic records and college writings – if any,” said Carney.

“Good God!” exclaimed Jarrett. “Do you want everybody to know what a flaming communist he was?!”