The Debt Memorandum
[Obtained from a source by Craige A. McMillan]
Date: July 31, 2011
From: John Boehner, Barack Obama, Harry Reid
To: All Federal Departments, Employees and Contractors
Subj: Debt Ceiling
As you have probably heard by now, the federal government’s galactic credit limit (debt ceiling), extended by the Bank of Beleaguered Taxpayers, has been frozen at its present limit of 14.3 quadrillion trillion dollars.
While that amount may seem large, it’s not the whole story. Other credit has been extended to the federal government by Social Security: Payroll taxes for Medicare and Medicaid have been spent immediately, not deposited into the Social Security Trust Fund, as we previously promised you, and as required by law.
And of course, the federal government has other debts, some that don’t necessarily appear at first glance. We have to keep the big banks from losing any money. We have to make sure their executives get paid a big bonus each year, because, well, they give us a lot of money for re-election.
Oh, and we guaranteed a lot of – ah – um – home mortgages that will never be repaid by the people who borrowed the money and lived in the houses – so we (the federal government, not anybody personally) have to pay.
And we have to defend the world (even if they don’t want us to), which – let us tell you – doesn’t come cheap these days!
To be blunt, we’re broke. We ain’t got no more money. Worse, the people who still got money won’t give us no more money. And the money we already borrowed? Well, the people we borrowed it from, you know? They, like – want it back. With interest. Yeah, I know. It stinks!
So, how does this affect you? That’s what you want to know, right?
Well, we’ve been borrowing 40 cents of every dollar we spend. You know, for, like, paychecks and stuff. And so some of those paychecks, well, we can’t write ‘em anymore. Because we ain’t got no money.
So here’s the deal: Every department’s budget gets cut 10 percent. Right now. And everybody who works for the federal government is taking a 10 percent pay cut. Right now. And 10 percent of you who work for the federal government? Well, tomorrow you don’t work for us no more. You’re fired. Sorry.
Now, because we gotta make do with what we got, we’re gonna kind of shift things around. So the borders, you know, those funny lines on the maps that they draw around all those countries, were gonna have the military look after ours. Because, well, that’s what a military is for, you know? And so if they’re not gonna defend the world, they can at least defend our borders, don’t you think?
And the TSA, you know, the folks who’ve been feeling you up before you get on the airplane? Well, the airlines are gonna have to hire people to feel you up before you get on the airplane. Sorry, we just ain’t got no more money for that! So all you employees who work for the TSA and the border patrol? Well, you’re, like, outta here. History. Fired. We’re sorry.
Now, it ain’t only the gropers who gotta go. Some of research projects that we’ve been paying for – well, they’re pretty funny, really! Like here’s one: predicting global warming in Australia through studying the texture and color of kangaroo poop! Now, we don’t deny that the folks doing that kind of work should be paid – that’s not it at all! We just ain’t got no money. So you gotta go, too. Sorry.
And you know, like, the whole states rights thing with the Constitution and the 10th Amendment and all? Well, we’ve been thinking about that, too. And we’ve been thinking that, well, maybe you guys are right, after all. And we shouldn’t be telling you what to do all the time, and giving you money and stuff to help you do it. And so, well, we’re not gonna give you the money anymore, because, well we ain’t got the money anymore. You know. So have at it, guys.
Credit-card limits and bondholders and ratings agencies really stink! Don’t they know that we’re the most powerful nation on Earth? What’s the world coming to, anyway?