Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
“President Joe Biden:” Those were the three words comedian Jay Leno asserted would always keep Barack Obama from impeachment.
Biden himself reinforced this contention with his greeting last week to Rep. Gabrielle Giffords.
“We’re both members of the cracked head club,” said the jolly vice president.
Biden, you see, twice has had his skull lifted to treat aneurisms – not to mention his receipt of scores of hair plugs – and Giffords is on the long road to recovery after being shot through the brain.
The injured Arizona Democrat no doubt found his sally hilarious, ranking with the Biden’s 2008 call to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham to “stand up; let the people see you.”
Graham, as a wheelchair-bound paraplegic, declined.
Let us imagine what we might have witnessed had then Sen. Biden been elected president in 2008:
2009: President Biden asserts that only a massive spending bill can halt the recession and keep unemployment below 8 percent. All enjoy a good laugh as he is proven wrong.
2009: President Biden calls Cambridge, Mass., police “stupid” for arresting an African-American professor and offers to defuse the situation “over a few beers.” The professor and arresting officer decline to reveal the content of their discussion, other than to say the chief executive exhibited a “terrific sense of humor.”
2009: President Biden bows to Saudi Arabia’s King Saud, then explains that he and the king both enjoy physical humor.
2009: President Biden compares his bowling skills to the “Special Olympics.” The mentally handicapped find this indescribably funny.
2009: Speaking of the Olympics, President Biden travels all the way to Copenhagen, Denmark, to pitch Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 games. Members of the International Olympic Committee know a joke when they see one.
2010: President Biden declares that the Affordable Health Care for America Act will hold down insurance premiums and reduce the federal deficit. He induces more guffaws by declaring the act won’t mean federal funding of abortions.
2010: President Biden leaves Benjamin Netanyahu in a White House meeting room for more than an hour. The chief executive enjoys his dinner while the prime minister of our staunchest Middle East ally cools his heels, chuckling over the president’s subtle negotiating skills.
2011: Everybody knows it’s a stock, stand-up line, but President Biden keeps telling the one about how “green industry” will create millions of jobs. As long as this keeps getting laughs, he’ll keep it on his Teleprompter.
2011: President Biden pot-shots Republican budget plans but resolutely refuses to produce a fiscal plan of his own, a tactic that evokes hilarity at both ends of the political spectrum.
2011: A poker-faced President Biden has members of Congress rolling the aisles as he deadpans that “we have to live within our means,” then fights for increased spending, calling for more federal “investment” in the economy.
Yes, a President Joe Biden might have done all these embarrassing things. It’s unlikely he could have done worse.
Speaking of “green industry:” A tip of the hat to Sacramento’s CBS affiliate, Channel 13, for doing the kind of local reporting that is increasingly rare.
The station reported that the town of Gridley, northeast of the capital, has spent more than $5 million in federal Department of Energy grants – plus nearly $700,000 in city funds – to develop a biomass energy project. All the city has to show for it is some vacant land. The feds really know how to “invest,” eh?
Nipped in the bud: The citizens of San Francisco may not be able to vote against circumcision after all. The San Francisco Chronicle reports a judge has ruled tentatively that the matter is pre-empted by state law, which prohibits local regulation of medical procedures. If only the Nazi-like cartoons touting the initiative could be cut off as well.
Remedial reading: Drifting through the verbiage of the deficit/debt debate was Nancy Pelosi’s assertion that she wanted to “read the full bill” before giving her opinion on the “compromise.”
Apparently the bill’s 74 pages were less daunting than the 2,000-plus of the health-care bill. You remember, the one Pelosi said had to pass before we could learn what was in it.